13-7-2009 - Rant Rant Rant!!

My mood while writing this blog: Down in the dumps!

Ok today im feeling really down and need to rant so sorry but i have a feeling this is going to be really long!!! For some reason i've been feeling very low alll weekend, i've been snapping and depressed n tearful and pushing every1 away, then this morning mum sat me down and sed "theres clearly something wrong wots up" an i just dont know, it could be a few things, firstly im getting more and more nervous about how im goin to cope with this baby, i've not sed it to any1 but deep down im terrified of being on my own and being lonely and not being able to cope, obviously i wanna be a good mum and i already love my bean more than i eva thought i could but how do i know im gonna be good enough for him? how am i gonna cope financially???

Secondly i finished my first year at university about a week ago and have been stuck indoors doin nothing everyday, this is getting me really depressed as im gettin so bored its doing my nut in, i've tried to do things like go shopping or to the paddling pool but its just painful an tiring, thats another thing, i feel like im in constant pain and always maoning to my family about how much my back/belly/bum hurts or how tired i am, i feel the need to nap for a couple of hours every afternoon or im wrecked, is this even normal?!??!

Lastly is the babies dad, we r no longer together but we went thro a phase about a month ago where things were looking up, we wud never get back together but we were talking an arranging to meet up and really getting on well trying to be friends which has been a constant battle since the begiining, then last tuesday he started getting jealous cos i was goin to see a male friend (whom has always been my friend) and saying all my mates r prats that just want sex and that all guys just wanna shag me now and started being really mean again, he knows im not like that, i dont sleep around and i feel i have more important things to focaus on at the moment rather than getting laid, i havent even been with any1 else since we split and i've had a fair few offers!! THEN after saying that i eventually got angry and told him that was it i didnt wanna see him till our baby is born in which case i will have to see him and he started saying i was over-reacting and its just my hormones well EXCUSE ME?!?!? i know some of it prob is hormones but how dare he say that, isnt that just the most annoying thing??! but its like he thinks he can say whateva he wants an when i get upset or annoyed he turns it around and says its my hormones!! ARGH!!! now im all confused cos i want wots best for bean and that wud be for his mum and dad to be on good terms but whenever i try he just throws it in my face and starts treating me badly, how much am i meant to take???? am i wrong in saying he doesnt have to be in my life to be in his babies life???

Another thing is i have a friend that i've known about 2 years, we have always liked eachother but never let anything happen for fear of ruining a good friendship, now my feelings for him r really strong and he's admitted the same, he has been here for me since day one, always encouraging me and givin me a shoulder to cry on, its only made my feelings for him stronger and i dont know wot to do as i have my baby coming and it will make my situation so complicated to be wiv some1 else but its so hard to tell him i need the time, deep down i really do just wanna be wiv him, he puts a smile on my face an i think about him alot :-( he's gone to Corfu for a week today an im already missing him...its not fair that i've fallen for some1 so hard at such a bad time!! SO thats my rant, if u have got to the end i sulute u and thanks for reading, any advice wud be appreciated x x x