12-7-2009 - just thinking

My mood while writing this blog: ok

Just thinking about the pro's and con's of me looking for this guy for my son . I have been trying to find him but not having any luck i am beinging to think that maybe i should just step back and let god do what needs to be done . Because i have tried so hard to find him and it isnt happening i know if this is something that isnt in gods plans then it will never be . I want whats best for my son and i am not sure if this person wants anything to do with my son i just dont want to uncover something i should of just left burried . I feel like it is the right thing todo . I am not even 100% sure this other guy is his dad . I dont want to hurt my son but i dont want to keep the thurth from him but he is just a little boy he wont even understand if i do find this guy . As for my ex the one that was with me while i was pregnant wants to do a D.N.A test i dont know if i should tell him not to do the test ??? . i just also dont want to not be able to find this other guy and my son end up hating me . or him losing the man he knows as his father cause he loves him and i am affraid of him finding out he aint the dad and walk out of my sons life (((sad )) I dont want to keep the turth from my son . But i might tell him and there might be no point to it . i cant find him and dont even know for sure .As a mom i just want to protect my son . I am just so confused about it all . My consuler seggested that it is the right thing todo . in my heart i feel it is but then i feel like it aint . I am glad to have you ladies here to help me through this hard time . thanks a bunch . me and my husband are on a ttc brake right now until i figure out what needs to be done about my son . as i do want to have another baby i want to just focus on this right now . As for the kids they are doing great . i would like to say congrats to reeces.paiges.mummy . i am happy for you . As a mom & a women what would you do .

thanks i appericate it