03-7-2008 - Can't stop ....

My mood while writing this blog: Depressed

I don't know what's wrong with me. I suddenly just got really depressed over the past couple days so I'm hoping writing about it will help me understand what my problem is.

I guess I need to give some background information. My boyfriend Ryan's best friend married a girl that Ryan had dated for like 4 years. In fact, she broke up with him, the next day his best friend asked her to prom, and now, long story short, they're married with 2 kids. Ryan was the best man at their wedding. He said at the time it was a little awkward cuz he would kinda look over and be like, wow that could have been me, but now, basically, he can't stand her, there are no feelings there, yada yada. I believe him. It's all good....

Except I don't believe her when SHE says the same thing. For the first few months that Ryan and I were together, every time she and her husband would come over or we would see them, I would be listening to a constant stream of "When Ryan and I were dating...". To this day she still does it. Even her husband gets in on "When you were dating her, Ryan, do you remember ...." It's so weird, I always have felt like even though she broke it off, she never actually got over him. But I was confused because she seemed so happy with her husband, and being a mom and all that, so I was always kinda wondering what the hell was going on. I'd ask Ryan and he'd say "I don't know, I've tried to tell her to stop talking about it, it was a long time ago, but what can I say, she's nuts" or something along those lines.

Last weekend Ryan went out for a bike ride. When he got home he says to me "___ just called me" (the ex) "and she just gave her husband a letter saying she wants a separation." She called RYAN bawling because she broke up with her husband??? At the time I was like, ok, well he's gonna be upset, so she's probably worried about him. And understandably. Who the fuck breaks up a marriage with a fucking letter? Ugh. So Ryan calls his best friend and he's all depressed so Ryan then was worried all night. Understandable again. But he didn't end up coming over, as he was invited, but Ryan of course was bombarded with text messages from her all night long.

So just a little more info, Ryan has his laptop set up on the edge of the couch where he always sits. Mine is on the desk across the room, but I often bring it over to the couch on the side where I usually sit. Normally he's got it open and on all the time, sometimes he'll close it, but when he's on it, usually it's sitting on the arm of the couch. He knows I'm not a nosey person, his business is his business and I don't snoop. I trust him 100% and feel no need to go through his computer and see who he's been talking to or what pictures he's got or anything. I just don't care.

All of a sudden for the past 4 days, he's been sitting with his back against the arm of the couch and basically making a huge effort to hide what he's doing on his computer. He's never done that before. If he got uncomfortable typing the way he was sitting he would bring it onto his lap and face forward, but never has he been so secretive before. So that gets me thinking. What if all this time that he's been saying he's over her and there are no feelings there, and that he pretty much puts up with her because she's married to his best friend ... what if all that is bullshit?? What if, now that she's told him she's looking for somewhere to live in Cranbrook, he's regretting me?

Here I am ... due in 2 weeks with his child ... and I'm worrying about him leaving me for his ex ....

And compounding all of that, for some reason every hurtful thing that MY ex has said to me (he was an extremely emotionally abusive son of a bitch who, no matter what I tried to do, would not let me leave him - police were involved, things were UGLY, but he WOULD NOT let me go on MY terms) is coming back to me. The horrible break up that lead to my moving out west and, consequently, meeting Ryan, has been replaying constantly in my mind. I lost EVERYTHING in that break up. I am still paying for furniture that I just left behind in Ontario because I couldn't deal with the stress and I didn't want to spend one minute longer than I needed to in that house. I lost a lot of priceless momentos from my family. I lost my guitar. I lost everything. I completely rebuilt my life in BC, met this absolute angel of a man, I couldn't ask for anything better, I'm pregnant with his child .... and I'm absolutely terrified of losing him.

I can't be a single mom. I have debt coming out of my ass from bailing my ex out of his money issues constantly, plus I just finished school a year ago and STILL haven't found a proper job. My "money" job does not offer benefits or anything at all, so right now I'm trying to live off my maternity benefits from the government, which BARELY covers my debt payments.

Deep down I think I know that Ryan's not going anywhere. When he's being all secretive he's still rubbing my leg and randomly looking over and telling me he loves me. But, in my twisted, hormonal, depressed state, that just looks like guilt to me. I know I should probably just talk to him about it, but I'm so scared that he'll get offended that these things are even crossing my mind. I don't even know how I would approach it ...

I don't know what else to write. I just feel so desperate right now, lost .... The other thing that's been weighing on me is my family. My mom has been so good (well, since we found out that the baby is perfectly healthy she has been anyway). She's been helping me understand more about my dad, who's finally managed to completely distance himself from me. It's like, I finished school, and that ended his responsibility to me. He doesn't want to be a parent. Never did. He just never had the balls to tell my mom that when she was saying she wanted a child. I come along and he freaked right out. My mom was really good about hiding it from me when I was younger. She never spoke ill of my father, even when I was crying because he chose going to a party with his new wife over seeing me. She defended him to the death to me, to protect me I guess. I'm glad she did. Now I ask him for help and he doesn't speak to me for months! I want to go for my masters, I asked him for a loan basically, to help me pay for it, because it was agreed that he would pay for my first degree, and after that I was on my own. He didn't say no, he just didn't reply to me. 3 months later I sent him pictures of the baby's nursery, and a month after that he finally asked how I was feeling. No mention of anything else. All I want to do is support my family! He gives me shit constantly when I get distant and don't update him for a while, and yet, here he is, about to be a grandfather, completely ignoring me! My grandmother is freaking out that I'm going to let the baby suffer because I'm not financially stable. If anyone is going to suffer, it's me, not the baby for Christ's sake. All I can think about is finding a NEW job once the baby is born and getting back to work, pronto. But then, of course, there's the daycare situation. No one is accepting new clients!

I really don't understand how people do this. How people have multiple children and still manage to survive. Especially when they work fulltime and the prices of daycare are through the roof. When I go back to work, it's going to be to pay for daycare. That's pretty much all I'll be able to afford anyway, and I make good money!

My brain hurts ...