14-6-2008 - 1st scan- apologies for content, colourful language, spelling and grammer

My mood while writing this blog: doomed

dont know how i got through this weekend after fridays disaster, had my scan with the most evil patronising bitch of a consultant i have ever met..

i seriously hope she she gets whats coming to her.. and thats struck off. Im lodging a formal complaint

i was to go to make sure the baby was in the right place, to check that my body would take the pressure and to discuss my care and my fears about this baby and the fact im terrified to give birth, i explained about my prolapse and my reconstruction op that i am still waiting on- she laughed and said can you pee i said yes even when i dont want to .. she asked can you poo i said not easily at the moment. and she went well whats your problem - i told her my bowel is pushing through my vagina and she went thats not likely... without even reading my notes they were closed on the table the whole time......i told her i cant be pregnant for one more second without reassurance that my body can take this as ive had three miscarridges she said and these were proper clinical miscarrages i said yes she asked you took tests i said no but ive held a misscarried blob in my hand and was told by NHS 24 to flush it away...i was examined the next day and told that i had been pregnant , she asked about the other two and one was a late latepainful period with pregnancy syptoms and the other i developed a infection from remaining tissue.... she can dismiss one as you can never be sure (even if i am) but not the other two.. no way

her reaction

'how dare you insist you have had three clinical miscarridges without a positive test... you are 1 + 0 in medical terms not 1+ 3 as you claim... a doctor verified two of these pregancys one of them i just knew. i said how dare you take my grief and loss for the sake of pissing on a stick and walked out the room.

all she did was laugh at me patronise me talk about god - i mean what the fuck i have no belief in god and she was spouting about a fucking book when all i did was ask for reasuurance..' shes prays to god.. she hopes to god.. ' I hope to 'god' she drops dead

she laughed when i told her what i went through before, and when i got upset when she showed me the baby and its heart beat on screen she said its a ridicoulous reaction and its a psyciatrist i need to see and not a gyn..total bitch. And ill end up in the 'looney bin' (her exact words) if i dont basically stop crying. how the hell can i stop crying, im petrified totally petrified.. i feel that no one believes what i went through before- who the hell is actually going to get me through this.

patronising me saying you should have sorted your contraception a bit better lady... eh.. what.

so now i have no doctors care, no midwives care no hospital to have this baby im screwed totally screwed i hate the NHS and the arseholes that work there.

Ive done nothing but cry and have panic attacks all weekend and i really dont know where to go from here.. i im so so mad at scott for not telling her not to talk to me like that but all he said was is that not just how all doctors speak..

so much for reassurance.. please help me i dont know what to do - i so so want to be happy and proud.., but i still dont know if im going to end up with a prolapse, a hysterectomy, if my incontinance will get worse.. if i will ever go to the toilet again.. if my vagina will ever be back to normal.. i cannot walk about with this deformity any longer i refuse to have no pelvic floor and continue to 'hang out' the way i do.. i feel people can see that my body is deformed and its killing me, its actually killing me

i have lived and coped silently with what happend to me for 7 years ive only recently been brave enough to ask for help with my down stairs problems.,. the rest of the trauma has just been pushed to the back of my mind. now when i really really need the hope, help and reassurance there is no one, no one to listen to me or fix my body, or even let me know that this baby is not just going to fall out fully encased in my uterus with my vagina trailing behind cause thats what i think is going to happen i just know it is.. im having terrible terrible flashbacks and panic attacks of being held down and i spent all saturday morning begging scott to punch me in the stomach and hold a pillow over my head...

please help me im so ashamed, im usually such a happy go lucky person but the traumas coming back its swooped in and its swallowing me whole.. ita making me so ill the worry is making me feel sick and dizzy all the time and i cant even face going to see my best friend and her new wee baby... i just cant - im such a bad friend - i want to be happy and excited bout my baby but i cant not till i know im not going to die... everyone else seems to get such a happy and healthy time and im faced with just horror.