23-9-2008 - 21 weeks ....EEK

My mood while writing this blog: emotional

What can i say really as any of you that have got to know me will have noticed ive not been feeling overly chipper the last week, ive had more ups and downs than a cheap whores polyester panties...NOT GOOD.

started the week feeling down down down, i felt disgusting and trying to get to the gym and getting stared at like some kind of veiny stretchmark alien was not easy - my moods coming out as horrific bouts of tears and tantrums - i thought i was doing really well accepting the changes to my bod, but no, turns out im not. All you ladies must be fed up with my whining so im hoping it will improve.

wed was no better with my boss being a class A Cee U Next Tue (im glaswegian this kind of chat is ok for a girl believe me) there is also no better way to describe his attitude towards me. i think it was also wed another woman in the site decribed me and all other woman who use the services of a midwife and a hospital as 'admitting their own inadequancy' that kinda pissed me off as well. i told her my story of why i need the hospital - i dunno why i felt the need to justify myself to her but once she replyed i realised her reasons as well- attack is the best form of defence i just hope she is safe when her time comes. this was the worst day i just felt really down, harry was in trouble at school and it really gutted me how he was punished. Swam 20 lengths, went to scotts for dinner, baby kicked scott on the ear while he was listening – feel really down about myself and my shape and how im going to look after.. i actually swam 46 lenghts over the course of the week so not bad for getting a shufty on...

thursday physio was great - the girl is so so nice and helpful and my hips and back are just so so much better. i also offloaded a lot of tension off on the lovely sickamoaning about my ex, something id never really put down in type before - i may have to go back in and grab it out her page just to read back on it - all this typing is really bloody theraputic for me, me and scotty boy have had a tense week due to my attitude about myself and it just helps relating to ladies that feel the same (or at least are sypathetic to my preggo mental state)

i dont consider myself to have had a hard life - ive been far more fortunate than most i was a bit of a princess when younger (apparently its named JUP which is Jumped up princess - wanting for nothing, asking for more) i feel i just had a rollarcoaster of trauma for a few years and no one would stop the ride and let me off and when you are hormonal a lot of it comes back to bite you on the bum..bob hoskins said it was good to talk.,. i think he wishes he kept that one to himself!!! if i offload anymore you will all disown me!! haah

anyhoo friday was ace with the scan the baby was huge had huge feet, a perfect little ski slope and button nose and was a pretty lazy little bum so i was made to down a coffee and cake by the consultant to wake it up. me and scott spent the rest of the day shopping for bigger knickers and some comfy jammie bottoms. friday night i conked out on the couch and was completly exhauasted with the walking and massive chinese buffet lunch we had..and a trek round ikea! really brilliant day for us being together.

saturday harry was away all day with his friend and staying over night there so in the morning i had the antenatal yoga - which can i say OMG is brilliant loved loved loved it - cant wait till saturday to go again my spine feels lovely and im now standing perfectly and my bump is teeny again!!shame bout the buttocks which grow larger by the second.

again me and scotty spent the night together going on a date i had a goats cheese salad then we went to the cinema which was brilliant -sunday was all about the food with a family BBQ (has anyone noticed i love my food???) also note tropic thunder is a stonker of a film - what a laugh.

on to monday - my boss is a dick

tuesday. woke up with cramp in my leg for the first time EVER scott rushed to my rescue - the pain was horrific before i knew it i was leg over head getting some kind of weird football massage tecnique even tho i went to bed crying cause he said my mac and cheese was bland... (bland.... ill bland him in the face with the wrong side of my hand) he was there is the night helping me when i needed him - at first he thought he had hurt me and scremed 'i swear i never touched your hips' as thats my usual scream in the night. anyway was awake from five this morning so reheated some of my DELICIOUS mac and cheese there was apple crumble there as well but i drew the line.

UPDATE OH DEAR LORD my boss is a dick.. two hour fighting argument with him, cleared the air he apologised - is it inappropriate to tell your director he fights like a woman? and that the office tension is like waiting on an abusive parent to come home... i dunno ? also told him if i was a man i would have punched him square in the face by now.... i dont care anymore.. i loved my job, but since getting pregnant his attitude towards me has been horrific - i told him i was in no position to look for a new job. ive gone home - had a half day for my physio anyway which im glad to be getting away

UPDATE AGAIN. i rubbed out the line and cheered myself up with a macdonalds the size of ... welllll.. i was going to say mars but my arse is prob on par now.

so the moral to the story this week is

im now 130lbs which is depressing

i am the bashed tin of tuna - ie slightly soiled shop seconds with my stretchies.

my boobs are veiny

things that make me happy are: -

sex (Like a little injection of happyness - sorry for the pun)

food that i want and taste how i remember them.

cold cold cold juice.

when scotts being nice ( been rather funny and not in a ha ha way this week)

harry when he brushes his teeth without being asked

my boss is a punk ass mofo

things that are making me sad: -

i really miss my dad this week