04-10-2008 - 22 weeks - in the maternity ward

My mood while writing this blog: EEEK

not had much of a fun week really tuesday i drank some coffee and started to get a crippling pain in my right kidney - within the hour my feet had been taken from under me and i was beng driven to the hospital grunting in the car with both kidney pain and the start of contractions...

spent the next few days in hospital with what was diagnosed with renal colic - which is meant to be the only pain in the world thats actually WORSE than labour.

i was on the maternity ward with all the new mums all the ladies in being induced and all the new babies.

during one of the nights a girl went into full labour infront of me - they worked with her for hours as she wasnt able to go to labour ward till her waters broke.. they dont keep any decent pain relief on the maternity ward so she was screaming and begging both for help and for her partner who wasnt allowed on maternity ward.. i was cowering in my cubicle..

they eventually took her away and i lay sobbing then i couldnt breathe and i was packing my stuff i just wanted to go home - i was too scared to stay in the hospital and risk another one going off infront of me like that. the midwives found me struggling for air and frantically grabbing my stuff together and trying to get a reason out of me for wanting to go.. i didnt realise how much i wouldnt and couldnt cope with the thought of having this baby and being in hospital. i couldnt stop panicing and i was up all night begging them to let me go and eventually one midwife sat me down and i told her my story i just sobbed and sobbed verging on hysterical they moved me into a single room so to shelter me from the labouring mums and the induced but not quite there mums..

i didnt sleep a wink and all i could think of was being held down and it really was just like being there all over again - i must of eventually fell asleep and at 7 on the morning someone woke me to ask if i wanted to talk about what had happened - at that point i coulnt bear to go through it. a really kind midwife called June came later to explain what had been happening with this girl - they didnt understand - i wasnt making any judgement on the care she had received - i wasnt really interested in what was happening for her to be honest- it was more a case of my life being rewound and having to go through what had happened to me in my head over and over all night. i told her the full sorfid story of poor harry's birth and the emotions of what had happened when i finally fell pregnant with this baby - she was really really kind.

A Doctor came and sat on my bed and we spoke about my fears and she agreed its not an irrational fear, theres nothing mentally wrong with me, its more a case of my control being taken from me - i liken my experience to a rape. I was needlessly held down by people who were meant to be caring for me and physically attacked by a lazy doctor who made a wrong decision and no justice was ever brought to me, my legs were wrenched open and i was held down and mocked the whole way through, there was no pain relief and the baby was in no distress so the force and damage that was done to me was completly unneccesary. The doctor agreed that when she was training some of the teqniques that they learned on manaquins she couldn't believe that was allowed to go on in this day and age and being a woman with no children couldnt imagine it having to happen to her.

The fear of all that happening again has been suppressed for a good few months now. I thought i was coping really well i was getting so excited about this baby - staying in hospital made it so clear whats going to happen to me my head is actually spinning - and if i start crying i dont think i will ever stop.

the doctor explained that i am allowed a section if i choose - but i dont want that. I never was given the chance to give birth to my son and dont think i really bonded with him for a good few years just as a result of being so traumatised by his 'birth'. They think its a good thing that i fell apart just now - we have time to prepare me for this as oppose to getting on the ward and me bouncing off the walls with fear. i know its not going to be all hearts and flowers but i need to try and get my head round it.. i may cause myself some unfixable body damage trying to give birth but to be given the chance makes me feel a little better - i just hope i dont let myself down.

ive been told to write an 'every eventuallity' birth plan.. from spontanious labour to section. detailing every step of the way if i can. i personally think birthplans are unplannable and usually a load of rubbish - but perhaps taking some control will help.. wont stop me being terrified but will give me a say in my care.

i meet my consultant on monday - been told better sooner than later, im allowed a tour of the theatre and the labour ward.. i just wish someone wa able to ast forward and tell me what happens next cause the not knowing whats going to happen to me is the worst bit.

even tho i hear my secion was fab fab fab - i still think no - not for me it would make me feel like a failure like some broken woman

and conventional birth - well i dont even think i need to type it out how much that is messing with my head.

im not looking for responses for people telling me it will be ok - cause no one knows - i dont want to know of great disney births and c sections that have been a walk in the park - i know the procedures step by step - i know the supposed recovery - i know what can go wrong with everything, im very well read on the subject of all both experiences. and no one pray for me cause im very much a non believer in god and i find the words patronising (sorry for offending but it is to me)

im convinced im going to die or lose the next three years of my life to post traumatic shock and a hysterectomy through botched surgery and there is nothing that can remove that fear. i just want to enjoy being a mummy and find happyness in it, i dont think thats too much to ask.