17-11-2008 - week 29 update

My mood while writing this blog: young, foolish and happy.

its been a funny old couple of weeks - ive been poorly so not really been able to work or think straight so thought i better update my blog.

so far i have breeeeeeezed this pregnancy ive been happier and generally more settled than i have felt in a long time - last week came as a shock of epic proportions in terms of mood and health and everything

i had my hospital antenatal on mon ( last mon) and had a growth scan followed by seeing the doc then the consultant.. scan went really well although i did panic that the baby looked really ugly .. you could see it drinking the fluid and having a wee wave to me and scotty.. he was thrilled

then the boring part came with the doc who sat me down for a chat explained that Leicester Royal had not released my notes and instead sent a summary to them.. i asked to see it and it was written and signed by the butcher that delivered harry.. i went from happy and excited to what can only be descibed as that horrible sinking feeling you get when you hit panic mode and your heart sinks.. she asked if i was ok to carry on and i just said yeah ( i was gutted the doc was still allowed to deliver babies and the way the letter was written she was making out that i was a jammed photocopier in a back office and that i suffered mental problems and there was only so many times they could explained what happened to me)

i found it really difficult to know that harry head was born in 4 contractions.. he then slipped back in and took a further 2 minutes to be delivered and it took 10 mins for him to get a decent apgar reading -- so my trauma was based on what .. only about 15 mins of my life.. ive spent days/weeks/months/ years traumatised by what a quarter of an hour.. i felt like such a dick the words - routine episiotomy repair totally haunt me.. as i know it needs fixed.

anyhoo.. she measured my fundal height and i measured about 4ish weeks behind she then took my blood pressure which was rocketing and checked my swelling.. she said she was concerned the baby wasnt growing and that i needed a growth scan as i had lost weight as well.. i told her i just had one and she checked and pretty much was shocked... this baby is HUGE .... HUGE and hiding..

Im well above the 90th centile and the baby is measuring far greater than harry would have at that stage. so destined for a elephant like i knew i would..

i was seen by the consultant who again was fantastic with me cause i was really teary just from seeing that womans signature

monday was teary tuesday went to anger - i had to go back to hosp for the glucose test and i lost it with scott in the morning for being so useless ( hes not i just lost it) i headed to the hosp for my test and the midwife there read my notes and sat down next to me and told me she had the exact same delivery as me, shes not long had her second baby and she never thought she would recover to what happened to her.. her husband is a surgeon and she is a midwife and it nearly tore them apart - her husband suffered as well. so it just goes to show. it doesnt matter who you are or what you do - or how long a trauma takes its still there and is not any less significant cause someone can sign you off like a broken machine..

she made me feel like i wasnt a drama queen..

when i got home scott had scrubbed the flat and bought me flowers and just sorted everything out i needed him too and i was too knackered to do.. i was so nasty to him that morning i scrunched up my scan pictures, binned them and told him i hated him and what he had done to me - it was just fear coming out , fear and mortification of thinking that my pain was being dismissed as four contractions and a two min wait and wasnt relevant. its not the case.

scott even tried to fix the scan pictures by flattening them out under vases. and bought me flowers to replace the dead ones that had been sitting for weeks festering.

so last week was hard.. being borderline diabetic and borderline pre-eclampsia is hard, i feel terrible all the time - im just lucky i have scott and when i told him to leave he never. so this weeks changed and im all back to chipper and happy and settled and not worrying about whats went in the past. im so in love with scott and his baby and harry. i cant believe i even felt like i did last week..

heather x