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|23-12-2008 - losing my sunshine
||My mood while writing this blog:|
after how well ive done to get this far with my little jug of happyness overflowing and being so excited and happy and in love with my new family to be suddenly for no reason the other day my bubble burst.
ive been speaking to izzie about how ive been feeling and i just want to thank her for this year really - along with the other heather and laura and some others that are in my network you have all been so great and supportive.
i want my sunshine back. im so scared thats me fallen off the wagon and slipped into some kind of early 'pre' post natal depression.
i could list the symptoms im having and my worries and concerns till the cows come home but what does it actually matter.. im already over the- is it? isnt it? stage and know my behaviour in the last few days has gotton dangerously damaging to my own health.
im in awe of all of you who are so wonderfully able to keep a check on your emotions even in the face of sadness and fear - ive managed all my life to do this and recovered through many many turmoils - for some reason in the last few days i feel like my life has fallen apart at the seams... when in reality nothings changed, just my perception.
i have 4 weeks today until i have to be in the the hospital to have this baby by c section - im terrified of infection ,scarring, the recovery and the posibility of dying on the table. my dad died after bleeding to death and the fear has never left me.
i dont want to be on a ward with other ladies full of the joys of spring and their perfect new babies when i know i will have a baby that may have something very wrong with it.. i suppose this stems from being made to feel like a freak show with harry - im scared i wont be able to love the baby at all and reject and the poor thing cause its not up to expectation and im not giving birth.
im scared the baby will get worms cause harry got them at school now its a never ending circle of changing beds and hand washing and medicine that im not allowed to take
i dont want visitors coming and going just to be nosey at the baby who dont actually care about me
i dont want anyone in my house afterwards cause they just walk through not taking their shoes off ruining my floor and being nosey.
im still deciding what to actually do with the baby - the last three days my mind has bent in half so much that im thinking i cant do this at all. ive been crap with harry recently cause ive been to tired to play with him and my mum said to me.. 'god knows how you will cope with two'... which makes me think.. is she right? would i just give the baby to scott to bring up cause im so evidently useless.
it took me 7 years to get this far. i lost everything when i was 21 and i mean everything- my mind, my body ,my house ,my car - everything, ive clawed it all back and for some reason i feel like im losing it all over again.. what if i dont make it..
i never thought i would recover after what happened to me with harry - but i did
i never thought i would recover after my dad died - but i did
i never thought i would recover after my car accident - but i did
and now.. im scared i have to go through something bigger than all of that and im going to lose scott, harry and all ive worked for all this time just to get through it all..
but nothings changed ...
its all in my head. and my head hurts and my heart aches with not knowing whats going to happen and i feel so ungrateful for what i have
9 Comments on losing my sunshinekelim
- Sunday, 28 Dec i hope your ok hun, how r you doing its been soooo long xxxxxx MichahormiltedjMom
- Sunday, 28 Dec Hello Lucky, I know we don't know each other personally, but I have been on the site since my second month, and always noticed how active you were on the site. So much so that I was looking for you when I didn't see any posts from you for a few weeks. I thought maybe you were on vacation or maybe had a early healthy baby. But now I see that isn't the case.....I read your blog and just wanted to encourage you to keep your head up. Things may seem overwhelming right now, but u seem like a survivor. In your blog you listed all of the things that you have been through and survived. This will be another testimony after you have that beautiful healthy baby. Just try to think positive, speak positive, (pray if your a spiritual person), communicate your feelings to your family and try to get some help from your doctor if possible. But most of all, just know that you are blessed, and although the mind is a powerful thing, it can be controlled. Blessings to you polly76
- Saturday, 27 Dec Aw, what a nightmare! Thats horrible you're feeling like that!
You must be so frustrated that all those horrible fears keep coming back to haunt you!! How irritated you must feel! If only it were possible to lock them away and throw away the key!
Mmm, i'm probably not helping, just realised i'm on an angry rant! It's just that you seem such a lovely person and it's horrible to think of you feeling like that. You've got so much going for you - you're young, gorgeous, witty, got a beautiful little boy and fella and expecting your next wee mircale to join you in a few weeks! I know you know all this and don't mean to patronise but sometimes we all need a wee reminder to try and drag ourselves back to the land of the living! It must be so easy to get dragged down when you think of all you've been through then add on top of that that you're pregnant and with your previous experience not being so hot then no wonder you're head is all over the place. Just talk talk talk with everyone that loves you and the professionals at the hospital about it and hopefully that'll bring you back to you're normal self. It's great that you've had so much help already from speaking to people and that you're sensible enought to do that, keep leaning on that, it will i'm sure continue to help.
It's no wonder you're struggling to keep a clear head with everything you're having to deal with, BUT you can do it!
Stay strong lady! You can and you will get through this!
- Wednesday, 24 Dec Sweetheart!!
uve made me feel 10x better as i was feeling the same!! ive not gone thru wat uve been thru but its my first baby im still living at home with my parents and ive no support form the father ov my child!!
u r such a brave women and i take my hat off to u!! u r a inspiration to all!!
u will b just fine u wuddnt have even considerd having another baby if u knew u wouldnt cope!! just remember uve got a LOVING BOYFREIND AND A SON WHOS DEPENDS AND WORSHIPS THE GROUND U WALK ON!!
u'll never b alone as uve got the support form many on this forum!!!
im also suffering postnatal depression and its really not nice as u kno!! but hey us women r made to bring children into this world we are strong enough and we all know it!! it just gets hard at times more so for some!!
Love bestwishes and light blessings,Jade xxx izziebo
- Wednesday, 24 Dec heatehr my love were all here for you and you WILL get a chance to talk it through with the surgery staff the midwives even the psychiatric staff if you ask and im the 1sdt to say how brilliant having someone there who can help n gives u the support medically can do.
you remember me this time last year lol i wouldnt get out of bed i was that miserable n if it wasnt for having that and my friends on here (like i said last night in the text) i really dont know how id have managed!
deprsion during pregnancy is a massive deal but its never mentioned coz its taboo your not alone you never will be and we all love you so much its untrue:D xxxxxxxxxxxx minkymoo78
- Wednesday, 24 Dec Oh no, I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't really know you that well so I won't patronise you by saying I know you can get through this but from reading your blogs I know you are a very strong intelligent lady - that's for sure! You are bound to be scared of having this 2nd child, it must be scary for most people and you had added worries. My advice is to surround yourself with people who love you and understand what you are going through. Try and enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy as much as you can and just take comfort in the fact that you have a precious child growing inside you who is dying to meet its mummy! I really hope you begin to feel better soon. Helen xxx kanojoca
- Tuesday, 23 Dec Are you still working missy?? you should be on holiday now. I know your still working if your on line cause you have none of that at home.
You are not alone...i can yell it from the roof top you are not alone. I am scared of labour, of tearing of complications, of having a baby with a horn or deformity or something. It is normal to be scared..i think :)
I don't know how your feeling but i can emphasize to a point. I recoverd from an alcoholic abuse father, an alcoholic abusive boyfriend..a horrific car accident and another boyfriend who stole from me...and im so scared kevan is going to walk out and leave me.
We all have those days and you are a fighter missy i know you are, your the same as me and one thing i tell myself everyday is that the happiness i'm feeling now and everythign good in my life i deserve.
You need to get on my wagon, you deserve scott you deserve to be happy and somethings in life are meant to be and are there, and are not going to go away.
You told me before how lovely your son harry is and what a wonderful little boy he is...while he is that person because of you. Mothers don't give themselves enough credit. You fought through the hard times and came out at the other end a better stronger women with a gorgeous little boy.
I have seen one other women accomplish that..and that was my mom..she was nearly in the hospital, devastated, heartbroken by an abusive husband, alone in a country with no friends nothign and two kids..and today she is in love remarried and happier then i ever thought i could see her..and she deserves deserved it.
You are going to be a wonderful mommy and your baby is going to everything you have dreamed of. Harry is going to have a little brother or sister and scott is going to have a family to love and support and from the sounds of him he is looking forward to it all.
I'm not at all a god worshiper you know that, but one thing i believe is that we are only given what we can handle and nothing more.
You are done you can't handle anymore..and it is all in your head. Your tired .... your pregnant, give yourself some slack sweetie, if you need a chat i'm here i can call you from canada no problem. Have you talked to scott about your fears and worries..if you haven't i think you should, no better support then the man you is standing by your side, your soul mate and your partner.
I'm here if you need me and i'll giv eyou a wee call if you need a chat.
Go get a massage or pedicure or treat yourself to something.
you take it easy and stop worrying!
- Tuesday, 23 Dec Lucky - it is so horrid that you are feeling this way but you are recognising it and what's amazing is you know in your are heart that it's just your 'perception' which you say a couple of times in you blog. Usually when feelings spiral out of control like this people aren't self aware enough to release that. You wrote such a beautfiul blog about scott and how loved you felt so recently. Does it help re-reading it.
I wish I could say stuff to help but I'm just as bad (maybe it helps to know it's not just you). I eat each meal in fear that I'm getting listeria, toxiplasmosis or something equally rare. I am obsessed with cleanliness...I get scared if anyone wants to visit and mentions anything about illness. It's totallly irrational and I hate hate hate my behaviour as I know it stresses out everyone around me too.
I think/hope that what's happening is some sort of chemical/hormonal thing that will even out at some stage (god knows it has to)...you rightly say you have got through much more terrifying things before and this time you know you can deal with it and you will be able to scream for help if you can't deal with it alone.
As for the looking after two thing....that is just the sort of stupid thing mothers say. And because it's your mum that said it you've given it more credence than you otherwise would. Shut that out of your head. There will be times with two when you feel can't cope - I know there will be for me. But you will. And there will be times that will be so amazing and wonderful you'll hardly believe it. I have to believe that (well it's what all my friends with two tell me)!!
heloise xxx charleston
- Tuesday, 23 Dec I am sorry you are so down. Try to focus on the positve...sounds easy enough coming from somone a million miles away. But, it always helps me get through the hopeless feelings. You will be a great mom to two!!!