16-2-2010 - VALENTINES NITE WITHOUT VALENTINE

My mood while writing this blog: heartbroken

I ALWAYS ANGRY ON DEPRESSED PEOPLE BECAUSEITHINKTHEY WASTING THE TIME AND THEY ARE TOOSELFISH. BUT THATSTHEWAY I FEELRIGHT NOW. I FEEL SAD. WITH NO INSPIRATION. WITH DISSAPOINTMENT. AND ANOTHERTHING MY HEART IS SAD AND I HAVE NO ONE TO OPEN MYFEELINGSBECAUSE NONE WILL UNDERSTAND. FRIENDS GONNA FEEL SORRY 4ME, EVEN HAPPY. WHO CARES ANYWAY. ITS SHAME TOCOMPLAINTOTHE FAMILY, AND ALL OTHERS ONFACEBOOK DONT NEED A REASON TO LAUGH FROM MY UNLUCKY LIFE.

I ASK MYSELF DO I WANT TOO MUCH OR I AM REALY TREADEDAS A SHIT.

IS WASTE OFTIME TO SIT ANDCRY BUT NOTHING ELSE IS LEFT. MY SONISSLEEPING. AND IM GONNA GIVE BIRTH IN 2MNTH TIME TOTHE SECND ONE, AND MY VALENTINE INSTEAD OF WAITING ME IN AIRPRORT WITH FLOWERS IS LATE BECAUSE HAD NICE NIGHT OUT AND MISSED HIS WORK AND HAD THINGS TO DO... SOHE COULDNT MAKE ITIN TIME... HE LEFT ME A CARD IN THE KITCHEN WHICH IS RIPPED IN THE BIN NOW WITH NO FEELINGS. AS I SAW HIS SHIRT IS DIRTY WITH GIRLS POWDER AND LIPSTIC ON BOTH SHULDERS AND HE SAYS HE DOESNT KNOWWHERE ITS FROM. AT LEAST U CAN MAKE UP STORY DA I MET FEW FRIENDS AND HUG THEM WITH VALENTINES...BUT NOW,SOMEONE WAS RUBBING PWDRED FACE AND PAINTED LIPS BY HIS NECK IN THE NITE CLUB AND HE DONT EVEN REMEBER?

WHY?

AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH OR I AM JUST TROUBLE MAKER BECAUSE THE BILLS ARE LATE TO PAY EVERY MNTH AND DEBT LETTERS COMMING? AND HOUSE NEED REPAIRING, AND NO CAR BY THE WINDOWS, AND NOTHINGINTHE ACCOUNT. AND I GOT ONEWINTER SHOE, THELIFE WENT VERY DOWN, ABSOLUTELY CRISIS, FOR SO MANY REASONS...

AND IKNEW IS GONNA BE LIKE THIS. BECAUSE HE HAD MONEY TO GO OUT BUT CANT AFFROD TO GET ANYTHING. BECAUSEHE DOESNTCELEBRATE VALENTINES?WHYHE WENT OUT THEN? WHY LAST YEAR WE WENT TOGETHER? I HAD NO BIG TOMMY?

ANDFINNALY,WHAT 33 YOLD BRKEN MAN WITH 3KIDS DOING IN YOUNGSTERS CLUB???

ANDHE SAYS HE MISSED ME IN 9 DAYS. HE WAS WAITING ME AND LOOKING FORWARD.

THE SAME DAY I LEFT WASGAMINGANDDRINKING, AND GOING OUT, ALSO HAD TO HIT LASTDAY OF HIS "SINGLE" SHORT HOLIDAYS, SO DIDNT EVEN MAKE RESPNOSIBLE THINGS ON DAY I CAME. AND THINKING DA COOKING DINNER AND HAVING SEX WILL MAKE EVERYTHING UP.

HE SAYS, I DIDNT EVEN GAVE HIM A CARD.WHY?BECAUSE HE WASWAITING ALL NIGHT IN THE CLUB FOR ME??? THAT COULDNT EVEN WAKE UP IN TIME??? TELL ME

WHOM I CANTELLTHIS?FAMILY , FRIENDS? PEOPLE? IJUST SEE I AM NOT IMPRTANT TO HIM. IONLY KIDS MOTHER, ONLY HOUSE MATE, HELPER, LIKE A MUM. HW SAD DA AT THIS STAGE I HAVE TODOUBTABUT MY CHOICE.

I FEEL UNHAPPY. AND IS NOT JUST PROBLEMS LIKE WASHING MACHINEIS BROKEN BUT I FEEL UNLOVED. I FEEL IS AM TRYING GET EVERYTHINGTO MAKE HIM HAPPY AND WHAT I GET BACK IS FUN, ATTENTION AND GOOD MOOD GIVEN AWAY FOR OTHERS AND I LEFT WITH ARGUMENTS, HOUSECLEANING AND THOUSANDS OF PROBLEMS...

I HATE HIM. I HATE HIS ATTITUDE. I DNT LIKE BADHABBITS. I DNT WANT TO LIVE WITH SUCH AMAN AND BE TREATEN LIKESHIT, AS I STILL LOVE HIM AND HISKIDS, BUT IM NOT HAPPY WITH HIM, DONT SEE ANY OTHER MAN AND I KNOW IS PLENTY OF THEM.

DNTKNOW WHAT TO DO. WE TALK,THINGS GETS BETTER FOR WEEKSAND THEN AGAIN SAME THING. KEEP LOSING EVERYTHING, EVEN YEARS GOING. AND I KEEP GETTING SURPRISES UNFORTUNATELY NOTTHE NICE ONES.

how to get away from aLL this. i feeL Like an idiot. and thisis a man i wanna marry?

he is not into me and dont understand me. do ihave to teLL aLL the time what i want, that i want to ceLabrate mothers day, and vaLentines day, andfind gift under xmas tree? do i have to teLL? I CAN BET IS THOUSAND OF MEN KNOWS WHEN AND WHAT TOSAY AND WHAT TO GET FOR HIS LOVE. AND I DONT WANT FLWERS JUST BECAUSE HE HAS TO, BUT BECAUSE HE FEELS IT AND WANTS TO MAKE ME HAPPY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? MEANS HE DOSNT WANT ME TO BE HAPPY, AND HE IS NOT LOVING

AND HE UPSET BECAUSE I DONT BELIEVE HIM AND DONT TRUST HIM. HOW CAN I?????

HOW DOES IT LOOK LIKE? ANY PSYCHOLGYST? LKS LIKE IM NUTS AND NEED TO REISTER TO VISIT ONE SO I CAN CLEAN MY MIND.... ANY QUESTIONS? WEHAVE MANY GOODTHINGS BUT BAD ONES IS KILLING AND I DONT SEETHE FTURE IN THE END OFTHE TUNNEL.

S.O.S.