mamacas26's I-am-pregnantblog

mamacas26
mamacas26 has 21 days to go and is now in week 37
	Age: 27 Country: USA Province/region: City: Partner: Husband Kevin Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Yes Due date: 13 Dec ,2009 Occupation: clerical
	Online: 13 hours ago. Last updated: 3 days ago. Member since: 638 days
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14-6-2009 - 14 weeks and the most horrible dream

My mood while writing this blog:
disturbed

It's early on Sunday morning. But I just couldn't go back to sleep. I've had nightmares all night about losing this baby. I didn't want to go back to that dream. I guess I should warn anyone who has lost a baby that maybe they don't want to read this, because I am going to give details of my dream to get it off my chest.

I dreamed that I went in for my check up at 15 weeks. I told my midwife that I wanted her to listen for the babies heartbeat straight away because I've been having a strange feeling. She used her ear, which then she said she couldn't hear a heartbeat, so I asked her to please use the doppler. She then used a doppler that I'm pretty sure doesn't really exist, it would tell you what it was listening to, so it would say "artery" or "fluid" or "mother's heartbeat", and it never said "babies heartbeat", so she turned it off and told me that she couldn't find a heartbeat. I started to get a bit panicky and told her that I wanted the other midwife to come in and use her doppler because she heard the babies heartbeat last time and found it straight away. The other midwife came in, and to me, she is the icon of peace, she delivered my son and I just feel a lot of warmth and comfort from her, so when she comes in I start crying a bit. She used her doppler (the normal kind) and she too could not find a heartbeat. I grabbed it from her and she let me, I moved it all over my tummy, crying, with no success. She got up and put the doppler away. I asked her to feel my uterus and to tell me what she could. She felt my uterus and told me that I didn't have enough fluid/blood. I felt terrible about all the glasses of water that maybe I should have drank, etc. So then, still trying not to accept the fact that our baby was gone, I asked her to order and ultrasound for me. I started sobbing and told her I didn't want to have to do this all over again. I told her that I just went through 14 weeks of nausea, headaches, fatigue and so on and wanted my baby, I didn't want to go through that hard work again. The rest of the dream was of me sobbing and crying hysterically, mourning and grieving and pleading with God. I never made it to the ultrasound because I woke up crying.

My hubby just said when her heard me crying, "it's just a dream" and then he rolled back over and went to sleep. But I couldn't go back to sleep, no way did I want to risk going back to that. So I'm up out of bed with this terribly disturbed feeling. What a great way to start week 14.

I'm sory if this seemed insensitive to post. I have never lost a baby and I know there are many of you out there that have. I think that is one of the reasons why I worry so much this time around because I wonder how lucky could I really be? From my dream, I now realize how attached I am to this little one inside of me and what a loss I would feel if anything did happen. My next midwife appointment is on the 25th, and now I'm really looking forward to it, I want to hear his/her little heartbeat, beating strong....

take care ladies....

2 Comments on 14 weeks and the most horrible dream

2babys-under2 - Wednesday, 17 Jun
When I first found out I was pregnant, I had a dream about having a baby girl who was stillborn. So I hoped that it'd be a boy, but we just found out we're having a girl, so now it just stays in the back of my mind. Pregnancy brings on the craziest dreams and they are so vivid.

minkymoo78 - Monday, 15 Jun
Dreams like that are horrible, they shake you up for days and put horrible thoughts in your head. I dream all the time that I am bleeding and I feel horrible all day the next day. As you know, I lost 3 babies before this pregnancy and I still pray every night that things continue to go to plan. I don't think anyone truly relaxes until the baby is born and it's healthy, I know I won't. Hope you don't have any more horrible dreams but I know they are completely normal and hormones cause a lot of them. xx

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