23-5-2009 - I never thought....

My mood while writing this blog: ok

Well ladies I never thought I would be at this point. I have been a member of this site for almost a year and I really thought I would have gotten my BFP by now. I have made a decision to take a break from ttc for a while. I have not been handling the m/c the way I should have. I think I still need time to heal. I have a horrible habit of blaming myself for the loss and I believe that until I can not blame myself anymore I won't be able to conceive again. This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. So many thing have happened, I wouldn't change a thing because I know that I will be a better person because of them. I am just tired. I feel consumed with the thoughts of everyone else getting their turn and why not me. My thoughts are making me a very unhappy person and I don't want to be like that, I am NOT like that. I hope that there is something bigger reason WHY and it really isn't infertility. I guess I will just take this time to try to heal myself and learn to not blame myself for our loss..This is a hard task for me but I have to do it for ME. DH and I have discussed this and agree it is for the best if I take this time to heal-he really is wonderful to me and I want nothing more than to get out of this slump and give him a child. We have decided that once summer ends we will discuss the matter and probably seek a fertility specialist.

I will still pop in here every once in a while because I really do love reading about you wonderful ladies and the journeys that you are on. I am sending tons of baby dust to everyone that is ttc and for those of you ladies that have gotten your BFP--cherish the miracle. For you that have children-teach them to be kind and feel blessed for everyday of life that you have with them.

Thank you ladies for all of your support and encouraging words throughout the last year. I am so glad that there is this site to communicate with others like and unlike me. I know that I will heal faster knowing that I can come here to talk about what is going on and find the support that I need. Thank you.

:wub