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09-6-2008 - Here comes the flood

My mood while writing this blog: happy day

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Yesterday I got my tummy bumped by accident. I fretted all evening over the possibility of damaging this pregnancy after all we'd been through. Would I ever do this again? (7th time's a freaking CHARM??) Would I end up in counseling? Oh surely. Would I blame someone, or blame myself? Would I resolve to just go to the gym a lot and become really MILFy and to hell with all this baby-making? I woke up more level headed. Whatever. Aware I'd be devastated to lose this possibility, yet still not at all in touch with this potential person in my uterus. I'm still thinking this part will come...

We only told DD our news TODAY. She is 6, and she has been asking for a sibling for 3 yrs. I don't know if I've ever seen her face looking as happy before. I never want to forget that smile. I have waited for so long to share this kind of news with her. Later, she told me, "I thought I'd be lonely forever," b/c she didn't think she'd ever hear this news from us. I feel ya, kiddo. She has been so patient all this time. When I told her I was tired and I wanted to rest, she took my hand in her left, and with her right she guided me to my bed and stood by as I climbed in. I told her that I'd been keeping this secret for 3 months, and she just could not believe it. I was trying to make the point that I was no more fragile today than yesterday when she was still unknowing, but I'm not sure if that part went in.

So now open the floodgates. She's free to share her news with whomever she likes. That means the grandparents are going to know soon. I mean we'd have to tell them, right? I told DH last night this pregnancy would be different. I told him, I know who I am, I know what I can expect of my loved ones, and I'm setting forth my boundaries up front. They can take me as I am, or they can stuff it. He replied, "I wish you would." I am so grateful to know that in the eyes of my spouse, to have a stronger self is to be more attractive. I'm better prepared to handle all that comes with the love of our people. I think it'll be easier this time.

And with the floodgates, perhaps things will start to seem more real. I mean, pretending there's nothing going on in there while all of these emotions run so high--How can it possibly seem real? Maybe once I start to share it. I can do this. I could do all that other crap for the past four years, right? Surely I can do this, too.

Oh but God will have to save me from myself. We took DD to a museum exhibit today about fetal development. And which one of us do you think had the pea-brain idea to linger back and take a sec to gaze at the "specimens" of genetic anomalies? YES, the very same person who had the wisdom last week to choose to decline all the screenings that were offered to her. WTF is wrong with me?? Now I have to live with those images while I wait to see this little person come out.

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2 Comments on Here comes the flood


navywife0407 - Wednesday, 11 Jun
YAY! I am sure shes so excited. I can understand you refusingthe screenings, I did that to. Don't let it worry you, I am sure you declined for the same reason I did. I tried for so hard and so long it wouldnt matter what the tests show. 2 things, 1. those tests have false positives all the time and 2. I wouldnt have terminated the pregnancy after all I had gone through getting to the point I would carry. Were you able to avoid running in for a doppler? LOL I just had to buy one on ebay I couldnt stand the suspense

nannersmama - Monday, 9 Jun
Yay!! How exciting to tell her, and see the priceless reaction! I'm glad it went over so well. I'm so happy for you!