06-8-2008 - My only place...

My mood while writing this blog: Confused/Hurt

It seems like once I get to these blogs my mind goes blank on what I need to say so sorry if this gets confusing at some point.

Lets just start out by saying that I always try to pretend like everything is ok and I have this little perfect life and I'm always happy with my husband. The truth is I don't know who I am anymore or how life for me is even suppose to be. Let me just start out by saying I love my husband with ALL my heart. We have been together for 9 1/2 years and married for one. We were high school sweethearts. Around college time things started going down hill since then. We got in this pattern of moving in and out on eachother in for months on end not last more than about 2 months. Some of those times I was with other people as well as him. During two of those times I found wonderful guys that treated me like a princess and I was so happy. Once I got with other people Justin (my husband) would never leave me alone. Constantly calling, making me feel sorry for him in any way that he could just to get me to come back to him. He would say that he would change. I believed him and came back everytime. Leaving the good guys behind and expecting my husband to treat me better. It was never physical with us but when he gets mad he says things that hurt me way worse than any fist could do. He is the type of guy who likes to hang out with friends a lot. I can remember Mason was 3 months old it was christmas time and he left us alone at our apartment. There were times that he told me that he would get Mason and never show up or times that he did have him he would tell me he is never bringing him back. He would do these things thinking he is hurting me but in reality it was Mason. When Justin is in a good mood he is caring, sweet, and a wonderful dad and husband. The problem is he has more bad days then good. My mood is based on his attitude when he calls me after work. Justin blames his attitude on the type of work he does. It's the RV industry and I know the work isn't easy but I have asked him numerous times in the past to please leave his attitude at work. I will be having the best day and then afternoon time when he calls 90% of the time I end up being grumpy myself, get hung up on, or end up in tears the rest of the afternoon.

Let me tell you though I am not perfect. There were times in the past about 5 years ago that I have cheated on him. I regret that with all my heart. He still holds it against me. When we got married last year we both agreed to leave everything in the past and this would be our new chapter of our lives together. I have asked God to forgive me for what I have done and to guide me and help me through my marriage because Justin is now my life partner. Only God knows how sorry I am for what I have done and he knows now that I love him more than I ever had and I want more than anything for us to be happy.

We got an apartment the week before we got married since we been there he has left about 3 times sometimes just for the weekend there were 2 times it was for a week. The reason he leaves is because we were having an argument but I think it's his excuse to leave to hang out with his friends and have freedom for awhile because we all know there are times when life parenting can be stressful. What about me though? Anyways, we just moved out of our apartment last month and we were planning on living with my mom for about a month and we were going to save to either get a better place to rent or buy a house. Since we have moved in there, there is more days that we fight then not. I think I have cried almost everyday for the past week. Our problem now is he wants to move back where he grew up it's about 45 min to hour away. At first I agreed to this because I would do anything for him and I need to be with my family, right? Well I have been noticing that he drives out there about everyother day to every 2 days to hang out with one of his friends. What is it going to be like when WE move out there? Am I always going to be alone? Will it be better cuz his friends will be closer? I don't know but I don't want to make the move on buying a house and then being stuck alone all the time when my family and all of my friends are this way. Not to mention I barley ever see my friends anymore. I went out Saturday for a bachlorette party maybe the second time since we been married and he was sending me shitty texts and acting like he was mad. I about left until a friend of mine said well if he is already mad you might as well just stay. So I stayed and I'm glad I did because the next day when we woke up everything was fine and he wasn't "mad" anymore because nothing was said.

I'm so confused on what to do anymore. It's like I love this man with all my heart and we are about to have our second child BUT how much am I suppose to take?When we have our little "breaks" I miss him so much and want him back but I'm tired of these games. I'm tired of my heart pounding everyday when I see him on my caller id, wondering what his attitude is like or if I'm going to get yelled and hung up on. Is life suppose to be like this? Right now I can't imagine him not by myside before I leave this Earth or for me not to be by his side when he needs me. Not to mention my marriage vowels those are most important to me.

I could sit here and go on about this all day because there is alot of things missing that I wish I had time to say. I know noone is perfect but there is so much going on in my mind right now. I have thoughts of leaving but I know I ain't strong enough to stick to it but at the same time I hope things change. I have been hoping things would change for years now. My mom tells me things will always be the same between us it is just whether I can deal with it or not. I wish I could but I don't know anymore if I can.

Thanks for listening to me. This is really the only place I could go to let some of my feelings out!!!