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16-4-2008 - the procedure...

My mood while writing this blog: extremely depressed

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so0 i went for my consultation yesterday..it was umm interesting. the dr did a pap smear..blo0d work..urine..a quick ultrasound that i didnt even see..examined my bbs (awkward) the whole thing was just weird. like its not weird nemore cuz my gyno is a man to0 but ive been goin to him 4 years and he knows my sister from her and her kids and its not that weird. like this guy is new so0 its always weird the 1st time, u kno? anywayy he was niice i guess. it just seemed kinda rushed but it was okay. they scheduled the termination this thursday!!!! and they said i have to come in tomorrow so0 the dr can put in something to start opening my cervix (does that not sound painful?!). i dont like that idea. that seems like it would be veryyy painful. i dont want thattttt!!! im so0 scared. seriously this is the LAST thing i wanted to ever do. i dont wanna have this termination done but i feel like its for the best. and i know the baby is still a human but the baby has down syndrome and i just dont think i could give this baby the life it deserves. i dont think neone could give this baby the life it deserves. and for people who sayy o0o0hh dont get this done dont get this done. u dont know how it is until ur in my shoes and until u live it urself and i know most of r just trying to help....but ur just makin me feel worse..i alreddy feel like a horrible person for doing this and now ur making me feel even shittier. yeah i know i could give the baby up for adoption but how will i know the baby is okay? and i just cant let someone else raise my child. no i cant. this is no doubt the hardest thing im ever going to have to do for the rest of my life and i dont know how im gonna handle it afterwards. i dont wanna do it at all but i feel like its the best choice.im terrified and i just feel like crying pretty much. im trying to be as strong as i can be but im tired of being strong. im tired of being pregnant and it doesnt work out. im tired of keeping a straight face when all i wanna do is scream and cry and yell at God and ask him why is he doing this to me? why is he making me go thru all of this right now? what is his plan?? and how can all of this possibly be part of it?!?!?!? i just want this to be over. its seriously torture.

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3 Comments on the procedure...


3RD-TIME-MOTHER - Saturday, 19 Apr
IM SO BUT SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT UR BEAUTYFULL BABY HOPE GOD WILL HELP U TAKE CARE ,DID U GET 2 SEE THE BABY

xxshellxx - Wednesday, 16 Apr
I just want to send you courage & strength. You have been through so much already. You are a very strong person with a terrible circumstance that no-one else can understand but yourself. My only advice is to do what you feel is right, you are the one that has to live with the decision, no-one else. Good luck

-newnaam - Wednesday, 16 Apr
Take someone with you for support on Thursday. After this, maybe give your body a break - 3 pregnancies at 20 is a huge toll on your body, and you DO have a LOT of life left to live! Lots of time for children, enjoy being young for a while, sugar! Every thing may happen for a reason, and maybe this is the universe's way of saying "Live your life, enjoy your life, and when the time is really right, that baby will be in your arms"... Now's not the time, just think on that... xoxo