29-10-2009 - Friendship

My mood while writing this blog: Sad

By best friend has been trying to get pregnant for years. She's almost 40 and on her final journey - implantation. She was implated last Friday but feels like she'll be getting her period soon. It hasn't been an easy road for her.

We were talking through email yesterday (she lives far away) and she was going on and on about how she felt like her period was coming and she was sad....pretty much the same I hear everyday. It's sad especially when I can't say or do anything to make her feel better. I had my ultrasound yesterday morning and was late getting into work. She asked where I was and I told her, without going into detail cuz I understand it hurts her knowing I'm pregnant and she's not. She made some comment that I thought was scarastic so I wrote "LOL." She writes back and tells me it wasn't funny that she was actually crying. I finally (after keeping it in for so long) told her how her situation is hurting me too.

She's my best friend and has been for over 10 years. She knew me before I met my finance. In fact, because of her I met him. Him and I were friends for 8 years but he never wanted to be serious. Here we are engaged, living together, one baby already and another on the way. This is my life now. My friend doesn't want to hear about it though. She's asked me not to talk about my daughter or this pregnancy. I've tried that but she's my BEST friend. How can I not share my life with her? Isn't that what a friendship is all about? Two people sharing their lives together? I'm not supposed to share my happiness with her but she can share her feelings about not being able to have kids with me? How is that fair?! It feels like a one-sided friendship right now. I feel like I'm supposed to censor my comments just to make her happy. It's depressing to ME! Then she asked me to show her some respect and have my kids call her aunty. Are you kidding????? They are supposed to call her aunty but yet she doesn't even want to hear about them? How is that supposed to work?

As of yesterday I think we have agreed not to be friends until she has kids.........if she has kids. She was supposed to visit for Thanksgiving and now she's not. She said it's too hard on her. I understand where she's coming from and how hurt she must be but what about my feelings in this friendship? Do they even matter to her????????