| mommy-for-first-time | |
 | Age: 27 Country: USA Province/region: City: Partner: My Husband Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: Media Representative |
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It has been almost 7 weeks since I lost Aarya but the pain doesn't stop.....especially now that i am alone and my mom has gone, i just keep thinking about it........I still clearly remember that Thursday when my doctor told me my baby was unwell. She started with showing us his legs and said what perfect feet he had......she then confirmed that the baby was a boy.........i was smiling and looking up at the screen....regularly conversing with the doctor. Then she saw his left hand and told us that he had a perfect hand ...she showed us all his little fingers..he was holding the hand up all along....as if he was waving at us :)
Doctor was then searching for the other hand....she told us that baby has it tucked under his head.....she moved the probe and didn't say anything for a while....I was just looking at her and wondering why is she spending so much time with that hand....why isn't she moving on....it's just a hand....she looked at me and said " this is normal...no need to panic ...but it seems your baby has a missing bone in his right hand".....my smile disappeared and i looked at my husband.....Doctor went on to saying that " I am not able to see all 5 fingers too".......I looked at her and said "are you sure...maybe you can't see it yet".....she said no i see it completely.....but don't worry these things can be corrected. Shailendra looked at me and his eyes told me to be calm.....I told myself....thats alright....i will help my baby and love him so much that this will not matter.......From the look on my doctor's face I knew she wasn't looking for normal features...she was searching for more deformations.....I clenched my fists and prayed "thats all my baby has......he will get through this.....but thats all he has".........Doctor then went ahead and stopped at his face.....She said " I think there is a cleft..." and I said doctor no please you can't tell me this......there must be some mistake.....till last week my baby seemed healthy and now you are finding problems??!!
She told me no i can't confirm a cleft pallet.......she rushed outside and called a senior doctor........I was not looking at my husband.......i did not want to see him as i was on the verge of crying....I knew it in my heart and was praying that the other doctor will say "oh it's all a mistake...your baby is absolutely fine".......but to my worse nightmare she came in and confirmed the deformation in his hand......they both started whispering things to each other...quickly going back and forth and writing down something......I was looking desperately at both of them to give me some answers....finally i said " whats wrong with my baby??" ......Doctors broke their silence for worse......they gave us array of problems they saw with our baby.......some of the medical technical terms which i didn't even understand but my hubby knew and a tear trickled down.....i knew at that time things had taken a terrible turn.......and then the last thing i remember my doctor saying was "It might lead to fetal demise....you should immediately contact our genetic councelor..........I broke down at the table and started crying....all my dreams ....my hopes .......my wishes had been crushed.....i would never see my baby and that my first born will never be born.....i will never have this baby in my arms, playing with me calling me mom.......i will never have this baby fill the crib and little closet in my house....my mother will never see a baby whom she was planning to meet since 5 months......my baby was dying and I could do nothing about it.........My first thought was what have I done....have i eaten something wrong, maybe slept in a different way ........but my doctor told me this is genetic ...u could have done nothing to inflict this........3rd April ...that was the saddest day of my life when i saw my baby moving for the last time.............I remember his little heart was racing.....his hands up high as if he was telling me to hold him.......he was pounding his feet......that was the last time I saw my angel inside me....Those 5 months were great....i enjoyed everyday of my pregnancy......my little baby didn't give me morning sickness or any aches and pains during his time on earth......he was a wonderful baby.......i cherish all the memories i have with him.........the only thing i regret is i never felt him kick me.....i never even tried to concentrate....maybe i thought there was time......
I miss my baby dearly and everyday i cry.......I know things can not change........but I am still grieving.....hoping he will be back again in my life...
5 Comments on Still feeling down
SarahNS - Saturday, 2 Aug
OMG I had no odea that you were going through this. I remember that we were due about the same time and we lost our little boy too. I know how you feel, and being upset at trying to get pregnant again. My hubby goes back and forth on trying or waiting. I wish you the best of luck.
firstmommy08 - Sunday, 27 Jul
Hi. I ran across your profile and I was reading this blog. OMG! I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I had suffered with infertility for 9.5 years. Gave up on the thought of us ever getting pregnant and on Apr 22 we found out we were expecting. I hadn't been feeling "right" so I tested. Positive. Everything was perfect, like your pregnancy. No sickness. Everything perfect. Other than I was a high risk because of diabetes & blood pressure. Then on June 13th I went to my regular scheduled OB visit and the doc said our baby's heartbeat had stopped. I was mortified! Reading you clinching your fists as the doctor looked reminded me of when I looked at my doctors alarming face trying to find the heartbeat. I wanted to look at the screen and he told me, "in just a minute...." I knew deep down inside something was wrong. I'm just know having my first AF. Then, hubby & I are TTC again! I hope you are blessed again. ((hugs)) Sam
number5forme - Monday, 26 May
Sorry SHALEEN - I am hoping for some joy to come into your life.
Hugs to you xxx
number5forme - Monday, 26 May
Shareen,
I am crying tears for you....
♥ ħhlЄy ▫ ßєär ®♥ - Thursday, 22 May
Im deeply sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers, both u and ur precious baby:) Stay strong.
| 21-5-2008 - Still feeling down |  My mood while writing this blog:Depressed |
It has been almost 7 weeks since I lost Aarya but the pain doesn't stop.....especially now that i am alone and my mom has gone, i just keep thinking about it........I still clearly remember that Thursday when my doctor told me my baby was unwell. She started with showing us his legs and said what perfect feet he had......she then confirmed that the baby was a boy.........i was smiling and looking up at the screen....regularly conversing with the doctor. Then she saw his left hand and told us that he had a perfect hand ...she showed us all his little fingers..he was holding the hand up all along....as if he was waving at us :)
Doctor was then searching for the other hand....she told us that baby has it tucked under his head.....she moved the probe and didn't say anything for a while....I was just looking at her and wondering why is she spending so much time with that hand....why isn't she moving on....it's just a hand....she looked at me and said " this is normal...no need to panic ...but it seems your baby has a missing bone in his right hand".....my smile disappeared and i looked at my husband.....Doctor went on to saying that " I am not able to see all 5 fingers too".......I looked at her and said "are you sure...maybe you can't see it yet".....she said no i see it completely.....but don't worry these things can be corrected. Shailendra looked at me and his eyes told me to be calm.....I told myself....thats alright....i will help my baby and love him so much that this will not matter.......From the look on my doctor's face I knew she wasn't looking for normal features...she was searching for more deformations.....I clenched my fists and prayed "thats all my baby has......he will get through this.....but thats all he has".........Doctor then went ahead and stopped at his face.....She said " I think there is a cleft..." and I said doctor no please you can't tell me this......there must be some mistake.....till last week my baby seemed healthy and now you are finding problems??!!
She told me no i can't confirm a cleft pallet.......she rushed outside and called a senior doctor........I was not looking at my husband.......i did not want to see him as i was on the verge of crying....I knew it in my heart and was praying that the other doctor will say "oh it's all a mistake...your baby is absolutely fine".......but to my worse nightmare she came in and confirmed the deformation in his hand......they both started whispering things to each other...quickly going back and forth and writing down something......I was looking desperately at both of them to give me some answers....finally i said " whats wrong with my baby??" ......Doctors broke their silence for worse......they gave us array of problems they saw with our baby.......some of the medical technical terms which i didn't even understand but my hubby knew and a tear trickled down.....i knew at that time things had taken a terrible turn.......and then the last thing i remember my doctor saying was "It might lead to fetal demise....you should immediately contact our genetic councelor..........I broke down at the table and started crying....all my dreams ....my hopes .......my wishes had been crushed.....i would never see my baby and that my first born will never be born.....i will never have this baby in my arms, playing with me calling me mom.......i will never have this baby fill the crib and little closet in my house....my mother will never see a baby whom she was planning to meet since 5 months......my baby was dying and I could do nothing about it.........My first thought was what have I done....have i eaten something wrong, maybe slept in a different way ........but my doctor told me this is genetic ...u could have done nothing to inflict this........3rd April ...that was the saddest day of my life when i saw my baby moving for the last time.............I remember his little heart was racing.....his hands up high as if he was telling me to hold him.......he was pounding his feet......that was the last time I saw my angel inside me....Those 5 months were great....i enjoyed everyday of my pregnancy......my little baby didn't give me morning sickness or any aches and pains during his time on earth......he was a wonderful baby.......i cherish all the memories i have with him.........the only thing i regret is i never felt him kick me.....i never even tried to concentrate....maybe i thought there was time......
I miss my baby dearly and everyday i cry.......I know things can not change........but I am still grieving.....hoping he will be back again in my life...
5 Comments on Still feeling down
SarahNS - Saturday, 2 Aug
OMG I had no odea that you were going through this. I remember that we were due about the same time and we lost our little boy too. I know how you feel, and being upset at trying to get pregnant again. My hubby goes back and forth on trying or waiting. I wish you the best of luck.
firstmommy08 - Sunday, 27 Jul
Hi. I ran across your profile and I was reading this blog. OMG! I was pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I had suffered with infertility for 9.5 years. Gave up on the thought of us ever getting pregnant and on Apr 22 we found out we were expecting. I hadn't been feeling "right" so I tested. Positive. Everything was perfect, like your pregnancy. No sickness. Everything perfect. Other than I was a high risk because of diabetes & blood pressure. Then on June 13th I went to my regular scheduled OB visit and the doc said our baby's heartbeat had stopped. I was mortified! Reading you clinching your fists as the doctor looked reminded me of when I looked at my doctors alarming face trying to find the heartbeat. I wanted to look at the screen and he told me, "in just a minute...." I knew deep down inside something was wrong. I'm just know having my first AF. Then, hubby & I are TTC again! I hope you are blessed again. ((hugs)) Sam
number5forme - Monday, 26 May
Sorry SHALEEN - I am hoping for some joy to come into your life.
Hugs to you xxx
number5forme - Monday, 26 May
Shareen,
I am crying tears for you....
♥ ħhlЄy ▫ ßєär ®♥ - Thursday, 22 May
Im deeply sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers, both u and ur precious baby:) Stay strong.
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09-3-2010 - Baby Shower and week 36 update
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08-1-2010 - Week 28 Update
22-12-2009 - DH felt the baby for the first time
11-12-2009 - Week 24 and counting
19-11-2009 - Team blue for me!
14-11-2009 - Week 20 update
29-9-2009 - Week 12 update - NT Scan
12-9-2009 - Week 10 visit to Doc
12-8-2009 - And the result is......
09-8-2009 - MIL driving me nuts!!
04-8-2009 - Moving my old page into this blog
30-7-2008 - Another angel in heaven
28-7-2008 - DH not helping
16-7-2008 - God think it's funny!!
04-6-2008 - Happy for everyone else
21-5-2008 - Still feeling down
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