27-10-2009 - 30 week update

My mood while writing this blog: in a very dark place

hi everyone. well today marks week 30 for me. 10 more weeks to go. i had my dr appt yesterday and everything went well. Kai's heartbeat was great and that always puts a smile on my face. my dr is on maternity leave so she had a PA in her office. surpirise to me it was my mom! i was shocked! but it was a great experience for me and her. she got to measure my tummy and hear her grandson's heartbeat. she listened to it for like 5 minutes! and i got to record it. it was pretty cool. it would've been way harder for me if she wasnt there. eric wasnt there with me. this was the first time i went to an appt without him. it wasnt his fault; my appt was originally schedualed for thursday but my mom told the office to call me and tell me that they moved it to monday. i decided not to tell him that it was moved. he has really hurt me and has made no effort to try and fix it. im always the one fixing our problems and im tired of it. i need him to put effort and show interest in our relationship. i sent him the recording of our baby's heartbeat and i could tell he was hurt that he wasnt there. i do care that he was hurt and its hard not to run to him to make him feel better but for what he's putting me through, i dont think he deserves it.

he's been telling my friend that he is willing to try anything yet he doesnt call or even text me. he drives by my house everyday to go to and from work but he doesnt stop so he really hasnt shown that he wants to try. i went to my prenatal class last night with my friend and i was really hoping that he would show but he didnt. he knows where it is so it was his choice not to go. i see no effort from him and it seems like he really doesnt care for our relationship. he says he loves me but then he doesnt show it. i feel so alone and like im not worth fighting for to him. ive really hit rock bottom. i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont want to do anything.... i feel so alone