moncheri09's I-am-pregnantblog

moncheri09
	Age: 30 Country: USA Province/region: Southwest City: Partner: Husband Alex - 40 Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: Domestic Engineer
	Online: 39 days ago. Last updated: 339 days ago. Member since: 1096 days
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16-6-2009 - Sometimes I Feel Like He Just Doesn't Get It

My mood while writing this blog:
Frustrated

Let me start by saying that I love my husband and he really is a great guy - heck, he's been to every doctor appointment with me since I've been pregnant. But sometimes I seriously feel like he just doesn't get it.

I have been trying to figure out who I would like to attend the birth of our child. I am typically a very shy and modest person, so allowing anyone other than hubby in the delivery room is difficult for me. I realize, however, that he may need a break or two while I'm in labor and I think it would be beneficial to have someone be there that could video the birth, get a nurse or doctor when needed, etc. So I am considering having another person in the room, I just don't know who I could look at again after the whole thing was over.

He asked if his sister could be there. While she may be one of the best people to attend due to her experience working in the medical field, I don't know that I'd be able to face her at all the future family get-togethers, knowing she has seen me in all my butt-naked glory, naughty bits and all.

I asked why he wanted her there so badly and he said for support. Sorry if I'm rude, but support for WHAT? What could he possibly need so much support for that it is worth my dignity and modesty in future interactions with a family member? He said he's a people person and that he gets his renewed energy from other people and that she would help him not take things too seriously in the delivery room - she would be someone he could laugh and joke with when he got stressed. That's fantastic. He will feel the need to have someone to laugh and joke with while I am giving birth to our son. I asked him what he would laugh and make jokes about, he said "you know, the cats... funny noises..." What funny noises? Could those be the funny noises that my body will be making? WTH? You mean to tell me you need to joke about the cats and funny noises so badly that I am just supposed to say you're right - your sister should really be there for you, despite my embarrassment?

Then we ended up on the issue of my embarrassment. I tried to explain to him that I will basically throw my dignity and modesty out the window in order to have this child, and while I feel comfortable doing so in front of him, it doesn't mean his sister needs to see that. He told me that I'm the only one thinking that I won't have any dignity during the birth. Easy for him to say. I am sure at times I will be too distracted by the sensations of childbirth to even care that I'm exposing myself to everyone in the room, but that does not mean that it will be a dignifying experience! I still have to face people after the birth, when I'm more aware of what exactly it is that I did and they saw during the ordeal.

I explained that if someone is going to see me in that state, they'd better be able to comfort me somehow and be able to ease the pain. Since we were driving home from our childbirth class during which we watched a labor and delivery film depicting a very calm woman, he decided that "maybe childbirth isn't as painful as most people make it out to be..." Again, WTH?? He told me it "just didn't seem as bad as [he] thought it would be." So on top of everything else, I'm worried about expressing any pain to him during the birth in case he wanted to put me in the category of most other people that make the pain out to be more than it really is. Well, if it's not going to be "that bad" then why does he need a support person at the cost of my modesty??? Sorry, but I must give a final: WTH?

Maybe I should just get over it, but at this moment, I don't know who is going to be there for me! I realized just how very much alone I am, no matter who is in the room. It really doesn't help that he gets frustrated when I try to use him as a sounding board about the whole 'who should be present issue' and he usually just says "well, we'll figure it out when it comes time." It's friggin' decision time and I'm trying to figure it out, so give me some freakin' support! AAAHHHHH!!!!

Okay, so maybe my hormones and nerves about the whole delivery thing have gotten the best of me. I'm sure it would be fine to have his sister in the room - I totally love her and she does work in the medical field, after all. But I would really feel better if I were assured she would play an integral role in helping us (me) during the birth, not just providing comic relief for my husband. I'd also be a bit relieved to know that my husband will be focusing on trying to increase my comfort and help get this baby into the world, rather than joking with someone about "funny noises."

Okay, so now I feel like a total bitch, but I had to vent and feel a bit better that I did. Now if I could just figure out what to do...

6 Comments on Sometimes I Feel Like He Just Doesn't Get It

westcoastgirl - Saturday, 20 Jun
i'm so with you on this! and i don't think you're being a bitch at all - it sounds like he's just not thinking this through or trying to see it from your perspective. my near-perfect husband has the same problem at times. in fact, he was on the phone with his mom last week and invited her to be in the room for the birth - without ever asking or even mentioning it to me beforehand! i shut that idea down pretty quickly and when he got off the phone explained that was absolutely not ok that he did that and that it was up to me who to invite into the birthing room - not sure he quite got it but he agreed, anyway. good luck getting him to see it from your side; i'm sure you'll succeed because duh, it totally makes sense to anyone who thinks about it for two seconds! men, sometimes! grrrrr!

sngr82 - Friday, 19 Jun
Girl I feel your pain!! We have been having the same convo here and it is a big decision! I am also a 'modest' girl who even runs the water in a public bathroom so people don't hear me pee!! ;)

I think his sister could be a great choice for you. Why don't you take her out to lunch and talk to her without your hubby. Explain your hopes and fears to her about the whole thing. I think by the end of that lunch, you will know if she is the right person to have in there with you.

Also the hub needs to know he is there FOR YOU not the other way around and that day the world shall revolve around you and your baby.

Last but not least, what happens in the delivery room, stays in the delivery room! You do whatever it is you need to do to get that baby out safely. Don't worry about nakedness, nasty noises or exposing to the world. The whole staff has seen it before and if your sis in law is the right person it won't matter in the end! Everything always works out the way it should and this will too...GOOD LUCK GIRL!!

Ruchira - Wednesday, 17 Jun
I totally agree with all youve written here dear..And i myself am at a loss thinking about the whole thing and who might be with me during the actual process.Im from India and to have your husband in the delivery room is a BIG thing...so am hopin n prayin that it does happen and I dont end up with anyone else ther, like you mentioned a fmly member or whosoever!!! But to think of it now and get hassled, i think its just me n ma baby who would be worried and get affected, coz no one else can understand our frame of mind at this point with the hormones dancing away to glory!!So id say relax for now, you have told your husband what you would be comfortable with, and going by the kind of person he has been so far Im sure he would know what would be the best support at that time and what would make you the most comfortable then:) So dont worry am sure ull end up smiling when you remember this fight in future:)Take care!

maryf914 - Wednesday, 17 Jun
I hear ya! I'm sorry DH doesn't always get it sometimes, but it is better to discuss these important issues now before it's too late. Who would you have it if wasn't his sister? Maybe she can be there for first stage and transition and then step outside during 2nd stage. I'd much prefer a sister then a MIL....haha. But really, I'm a very modest person too and have only elected to have hubby there with midwives. I told him that I'll be doing way more work and will be in more pain than he'll ever be so he can't complain about getting tired or hungry...maybe that's mean but we made this baby together and we're going to bring him into this world together too. I hope it all works out and that your happiness and comfort level comes first. Hugz!

mommie-2-2 - Wednesday, 17 Jun
You dont sound like a bitch at all, your statements are truthful! I didnt want anyone looking at my hoo ha either, but to tell ya the truth, once youre in labor, youre so swept away by it, that Jesus could walk in the room and you wouldnt know it...... I had so many people in my room when I gave birth to my dd that the only thing missing was a keg! LOL Have you thought about a doula? I'm getting one for this birth, they dont cost alot and the good thing is they are strangers!!! You never have to see them again! Let me know what you decide to do!

maebeth - Wednesday, 17 Jun
Hi. Reading your blog made me smile a bit. I went through alot of that with my first. Show him a 10 cm circle (that's as much as we dilate) and show him a baby's head. Ask him if that looks so comfy? I tried that on my hubby the first time and he didn't believe me that I didn't dilate bigger....he asked my doctor and she had a good laugh. Lol. Anyways, I found hubby to be absolutely wonderful during the experience, but I definitely had my doubts about how good he'd be or if I'd want to kill him before it was done. The only thing he did was describe to a friend of ours about the c-section and what organs they actually took out of me to get the baby out (about a week after). I informed him if he ever wanted more kids he would keep his c-section descriptions to himself. I guess he wanted more kids because he never mentioned it around me again. Lol. As far as who to have with you, I feel for you on this. I'm a private person as well and didn't want anyone around but hubby and the hospital staff. Honestly, I think they just get in the way sometimes with the intimate moment that it can be for a couple (just my opinion though). Nurses are typically great and if you find that you want another person there maybe ask them to be "on call" or in the waiting room. My MIL camped out in the waiting room almost the whole time and was great about not being in the room. Remember, at first you probably won't be too overwhelmed by pain and having someone in there might not be a big deal and then just have the nurse kick them out as you get more uncomfortable. Good luck and it'll work out. Just stand your ground and don't let people push you around as to who can be in the room. Good luck and God Bless.

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