09-10-2008 - i hate cancer.

My mood while writing this blog: hanging in there for my mom

my mother is my hero. my best friend. my inspiration. my everything. we recently just found out my mother has breast cancer. this has probably been one of the hardest things for me to ever hear because she has been sick with POTS syndrome since i was a freshman in high school. POTS syndrome attacks your central nervous system..its a very rare disease. the POTS causes my mother to not be able to sleep, not to be able to take medication, and for the most part she can't do much of anything but lay in bed because she always feels so terrible. she can't eat anything but salmon & a raw potato..and she only drinks vegetables that she has juiced to get her nutrients. she probably sleeps only 12 hours a week. (no exaggeration) now on top of all her suffering we find out she has breast cancer..well..she had surgery on Sept. 19th & we thought that was it..that they had removed it & that it would be ok. she got her results back & it said the cancer has spread throughout her & possibly into her bloodstream. the good news is..the doctors THINK she has an 80% chance to live..but in order for her to have that 80% chance she must begin to take hormone blockers..which will cause her to age very quickly & will take away her "feeling like a woman". i have come to believe that braxton cordell was NO accident! i believe he is here to bring happiness to my mother & to help her want to live. everyday she cries and tells me how she wants to be well so that she can take care of her grandbaby. i try my best to stay strong & tell her that she will be able to..that she is going to be ok..but its so hard. i am so angry that my mother has been put through all of this. she is such a wonderful, God loving woman. she would do anything for anyone. to hear my mother say "i wish i could be in heaven because the pain is so bad" breaks my HEART..it breaks my SOUL..it has just crushed me 100%. i would do ANYTHING to relieve her pain & misery. i even told her i would go with her to get my breasts removed as well so she didn't feel so sad & then we could get reconstructive surgery together a little bit later. & you better believe if it would help my mother i would do it with her! i would take both of them off right by my moms side. but she insists i keep them so i can breastfeed. when im around my mom i try to keep a smile on my face but inside my hear is breaking when i look into her eyes. i don't like for her to see me cry because i want to be her stong little girl. she is meeting with a plastic surgeon today to discuss reconstructive options. she doesn't really want to have them reconstructed because she is already in so much pain & it would just cause even MORE pain & it would cause the healing process to take even longer. she should be going into surgery within the next two weeks & we will find out exactly where it spread & how much. we will also find out if she will need to undergo radiation or chemo or both. luckily, my aunt (her sister) is a cancer doctor & owns a cancer clinic in arizona & works at one in seattle. so it will be good to have family doing her treatment. anyways. i am not writing this for sympathy..i am not writing this for advice..i am simply writing this because i have no one to turn to..i have no friends..i no longer have colby..and the only one i really have to talk to is my mother..so please please please pray for my mother. thank you all.