29-10-2008 - life..

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

well nov. 5 my mother is scheduled to have her entire breast removed..she is really upset & i just wish so bad i could do something to help her, but there is nothing anyone can do. i can't imagine what she is going through. it breaks my heart. i cry everytime i think about it..but i know once she is in heaven (which i hope isnt for a LONG time) she will be happy & rewarded..she is such an amazing woman..my HERO! i love her more than LIFE! she is refusing chemo & radiation..which i support her decision 100% because i know both would just tear her up..she would be in a lot more pain then she is already in..i just want her to live a long happy life..thats all i pray!

nov. 7th colby finds out when he will be going away to rehab. he will be entering a 6 month program..which i know is best, but it means he wont be here when brax is born..which really breaks my heart. hes the one person i wanted in the room with me. :( i want to cherish every second i spend with him, but i feel like he doesn't really care. i think it hasn't really hit him that he will be leaving so soon..actually i know he doesn't think he'll be leaving soon because he keeps saying hes going to beg her for "one last chance" (which he has had MANY of with probation) i keep reminding him he should be in jail so he is very lucky she is going to work with him..

since colby will be leaving i have to move out of the condo :( which really sucks because we just got braxton's room all finished up & everything & it looks SO cute! i will be moving accross town with my aunt (who is one of my best friends) but the reason i am really upset is because it's 45min away from my mom & my dad. i go see my mom EVERY day, even if its just for a few minutes & i don't know how i will be able to see her everyday because i have my little jo-z all the way in bellvue & i can't leave him there all day alone & then go see my mom & then go home to let him out. so i probably won't be able to see her until every weekend :(

on a happy note..i am getting more & more excited about Braxton's arrival. he encourages me every morning to keep going, because soon he will be in my arms. so when colby is gone..i will still have part of him here with me. im sure he will look a lot like his daddy..but more like me because i have stronger features (dark hair, dark skin, etc) i just need lots of prayer that colby does change..not for me..but for his little boy..i need lots of prayer that my mom makes it through this surgery ok..& that she kicks cancer's butt!

i love you all so much! thank you for ALL of your kind support..you all mean SO SO SO much to me!! you will never know how you all impacted my life :)