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30-4-2009 - you are my new family

My mood while writing this blog: pretty good

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i figured since i have gotten to know so many people on here that i should divulge a little about myself as well.
My name is Amanda. I am a dork. lol. no for real, my life has been hard. and it will be probably the rest of my life. i honestly am the hardest person to live with you will ever meet. growing up i had my mom and my brother. when i was 4 my dad left my mom for money and never looked back. (he tried a few times but whatever) i grew up with my mom being the best thing in my whole world. she would work 80 hours a week so that we could do whatever we wanted. i remember my brother playing baseball and i was in band even though she really couldnt afford it. when she had extra money she would spend it on us....until we were adults she had the same shoes and the same clothes. she literally wouldnt spend a penny on herself. my mom is my whole world and my rock. without her i would be lost in neverland lol.
my older brother whom no matter how bad he screws up he is my best friend. he honestly is the best man i have ever known. yes he has screwed up very seriously in the recent past (if you read that blog) but to date he has a 6 year old daughter with the only woman he has ever had sex with. and no matter what he chooses his family over everything else. when we were little we fought (we are only a little under 2 years apart) but i knew he loved me when i had my first migrane when we were younger. he wouldnt let me go to sleep because he thought i would die. he kept giving me milk and water thinking i needed to keep hydrated. i was in 2nd grade at the time. to this day i remember that day like it was yesterday.
i got married the first time at 17. i met a guy that was in the navy. and he was and is an amazing man. he treated me like a princess. i got to see so much of the US because of him. i got to experience so many things because of him. but it came down to i was 18 and he was 22. he wanted a family and i didnt. he wanted so much more than i could give him. and i wanted so much different than he could provide. to this day he and i are good friends (he has re-married and has one child with another on the way as well as 3 step kids) i learned so much from that.
i dated a lot between then i met jeremy. from the beginning i was like whoa with him. he was ready to be married like the day we met....i was like ummm lets not. we have had such an up and down relationship....but something has always brought us back together. even before the baby. i actually left him in november one year. we still spoke and stuff but it was what it was i didnt think it was a right fit for me and he agreed. january we decided to try and work it out because something kept leading us back to each other. by april i was pregnant. we were married in june. ( about a week after i found out i was pregnant)
the way i see it is god is telling me something. my ex husband tried to make me pregnant. and 2 boyfriends in between tried. and jeremy is the only one who has gotten me knocked up lol.
as many problems as me and jeremy have i know that i love him with everything i have (second only to my son). and i mean he has screwed up to the point my mom doesnt really like him and my brother doesnt either. but i stay and i try to work it out. jeremy has a drinking problem. when i was pregnant and on complete bedrest he would go to the bar and say out all hours of the night. and that hurt. and still he doesnt help with the baby,
what i would like to know from you guys out there is do you have a man who was raised all messed up and they are doing the same? my husband well his family is messed up. his dad wasnt really there until now. and his mother is well his enabler. before we met he went through a divorce and was well bad off. his mom would bring him beer and pills. and was shocked when he took all the pills and drank all the beer and almost died. his mom makes excuses for him 24/7.
i am probably babbling because i actually have a few moments to myself at this point but im going to vent some more.....if you dont want to read thats cool i know im a babbler lol.
i just would like to erase his mother from our marriage and i think things would be great. everytime we have an issue he calls her. she actually had the nuts to tell me i wanted my son who was 10 weeks premature to be sick. because i took him to the hospital when he wouldnt eat for 24 hours straight. he has a metabolic disorder that says even as an adult he cannot go without food for 12 hours. i have sent and explained this disorder so many times. its the same thing as when i was pregnant. at 17 weeks i woke up bleeding. they told me to stop working and all that. all his mother said was she should be cleaning house and doing dishes. at 22 weeks they put me on complete bedrest as in a cooler beside the bed or couch and she said the same thing. she kept telling jeremy there is nothing wrong with her. like i was crazy and the doctors didnt know what they were talking about. they told me at 17 weeks that i would be luck to give birth period. it would probably be a miscarriage.
the night i had my beautiful miracle baby. i woke up thinking my water broke because of my incompetant cervix. i went to the bathroom for some light. there was nothing but blood. when i sat down on the toilet to take off my pants...i could feel the clots pouring out of my body. i yelled for my husband, he got me some clothes and called his mom. we had to wait for her to get here to go to the hospital. when she got her she looked in the bathroom and said oh this is serious. i said DUH. when we were at the hospital his mom i will give her this credit she stood there holding my hand and telling me it was ok, while my husband was outside smoking or saying he was waiting on my mom. what kills me is that while i was getting dressed i asked him to call my mom. i had to do it on the way to the hospital so she wasnt there when the event actually happened.
since timmy tots has been here i have done nothing but thank god for my little miracle. at 17 weeks they said i was losing him. today he is this active 6 month old that makes me laugh every day. i know i can never have any more children ( cervical cancer) so he is my one miracle baby for the girl that thought she would never be a mother. i never thought i could have kids considering how many have tried. (plus i only have one ovary that works) i just wish my husband could cut the cord to his mom. we are married and i would like to marry him not his mother.
my mother stays out of things. as much as she doesnt like my husband right now she still invites him to family functions and is still super nice to him when she sees him. the last fight that i had with him and she came to pick me and the baby up......he started crying and went to the bathroom and she went in there. she comforted him. and at that point she really wanted to hit him lol. anyways i have to get off here timmy tots is waking up lol sorry for babbling

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