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11-9-2009 - Changes in my life

My mood while writing this blog: hmmm

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So i havent written in a long time. Timmy is doing just wonderful. He is the true joy in my life. He has such a wonderful personality and loves to make people laugh. I look at him now and really its hard to remember that little 2 and a half pounder.

My husband and i have separated. I am fairly certain it will end in divorce. A lot of people dont know this about him but he is a severe alcoholic. For a long time he was doing so well, and then it was literally within a day he went downhill. Fast. Throwing tantrums about anything and everything. Even if timmy was crying because he needed something my husband would fly off the handle. The night i left he actually told me to leave. But i would have probably did it anyway. He has spent all of our grocery money at the bar and online poker. We didnt even have food for my son. Anyway, i left to my moms. The first day i was here he did the whole im sorry thing, and everything else. i thought we were going to work it out. Then he started drinking again and threw another fit. There has been exactly one day since that he hasnt called and screamed at me. He even sent me a picture of him cutting his wrists to hurt me. (FYI this isnt the first fake suicide attempt) he does these things to get attention and make people feel sorry for him so that they dont stay mad at him. Well i have a beautiful 10 month old son that doesnt need that in his life.

My husband has seen timmy one time (its been a month) and that was for about an hour. and he gets mad saying i am keeping timmy from him. he is more than welcome to come visit but he will not take my son anywhere. i know how he is. he has a 6 year old that he gets every other week...and she stays with his mom because he is too busy with drinking. and his mom is a whole other story. the woman is the definition of filth.

As of right now i am ok. of course it hurts but it isnt the first time i have been hurt. i am now in a stable place where my son can flourish without worrying that some drunk man is going to be screaming. i have surrounded myself with my friends (who my husband wouldnt allow me to speak to) and they have really helped things....i forgot how many people i had in my life that truely cared about me. i have been stuck with this emotionally abusive man for quite some time. I have rekindled the friendship with my very best friend in the whole world who i have known for 20 years. literally. i wasnt allowed to speak to this friend just because he is a man. Now i am free to talk and joke and give advice to this man without my husband throwing a fit. I have been able to eat a meal knowing there is more food where that came from. I am able to feed my son without thinking wow i need to find a way to get some more food.

my son is sooo happy. he has his grandma in the house now. which means he gets more attention. He really gets bored with me and my husband would never even hold him. much less change a diaper or feed him. so now timmy has people around him that love him.

all in all i dont know if this is all a good thing or bad thing. we shall see as time goes by. i do know that my first and only interest is my son. he has been through too much to have to deal with this too.

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5 Comments on Changes in my life


mommy2luke - Friday, 18 Sep
ok i just read this whole thing. I am so sorry you are going through thi s! I will keep you and Timmy in my prayers. I am proud of you for doing what is best for your son. it sounds like you made the right decision!

mommy2luke - Friday, 18 Sep
hey! i was mungoinjan on the pregnancy boards and just thought about you..so i hopped on here to see if you've updated lately! how are you and Timmy?

NicholasMom - Thursday, 17 Sep
I'm glad you left him! I'm sure it is very difficult, but it would be much worse to stay! And Timmy is better off without his dad than being in a house with him acting/drinking the way he was. Kids are very smart and they see and hear everything! Keep your focus on Timmy and that will continue to give you the strength you need!!

Military~mommy - Monday, 14 Sep
Hi, long time no see! We used to talk on the father-to-be page... Glad you have left him, you and your son are better off, and don't need him and his problems complicating your life. I remember the way he acted when you were put on bed rest, and hoping that it would be a wake-up call for him.

kimmeym - Sunday, 13 Sep
I just want to tell you that I admire you for that great decision that you made. Alot of women might have wimped out and stayed cause they're scared to do it on their own. You made the best possible decision for your son. Timmy doesn't need that in his life especially since his little life already started off dramatically. He needs stability and lots of love to flourish and I'm positive he'll get that with you and his grandmother. I'm sending you tons of positivity and love for your little family. Girl keep your chin up and know you're a fantastic mom that is doing the best that you can. I know you've been through a lot but you're a strong lady and I know u'll have a great future.