20-7-2008 - Thoughts!

My mood while writing this blog: down

I have put on so much weight this past month. I am dreading going to the dr on Weds. It will start out great because I get to see my sweet Olivia with my 4D u/s but then when I step on that scale my happiness will be shattered. I weighed myself at my mother in laws and I think I have put on about 10 lbs this month. DEVASTATING! That will bring me to about 20ish so far. I'm not happy but know that it's all my fault. Other than indulging on an occasional milkshake at home (I really am not a sweet eater, I like fruit more but lately the shakes have been calling my name) my eating habits really haven't changed that much. I was doing good walking on the treadmill but when my hips and crotch hurt so bad I can barely move, it's kind of hard to exercise. Hopefully I can get back in the groove...regardless of pain.

To top that off, my kids can't seem to keep their comments to themselves! Let's see, the other day my youngest (3) was talking about how big the clouds were and decided to tell me, "That cloud is huge...huge like you!" Then, when I was getting out of the shower and bending down to dry off my legs, my boobs of course hang forward...well she decides to tell me, "Ewww, don't let your boobies touch your belly button." Not that they do but I guess they do kind of rest on the top of the belly when standing. Last night at dinner I was saying how tired I was and my oldest daughter (8) said, "Yeah, I know you have bags under your eyes." Then we were talking about acne (my son (11) is getting pimples) and I told him that between my ex and I he better pray that his complection is more like one than the other. And he said yeah, "I want dads because I see acne on your arms" I DO NOT HAVE ACNE ON MY ARMS!!! I have freckles but that's about it! I meant for him to understand that my ex had to be on medication when he was younger because his was so bad...mine was normal teenage puberty acne. I then yawned and said, I could go to sleep right now and my son had to say, "mom, you shopped (for their school supplies), ate and now you'll sleep....could be habit forming." How can basically telling someone they are fat and lazy (that's what I took it as) make them feel anything but wonderful! NOT!!! Then the conversation of crows feet came up and I know one of them wanted to say something to me but I think my husband had to of looked at them with daggers in his eyes because at this point I felt about as big as a snail.

I then realized that it's not very often (if ever) that I actually get a compliment out of any of them...or anyone for that matter. Not even my husband. I mean, they all thank me for dinner and doing stuff for them but not once do they ever say, "Wow you look nice" or "Thanks for being a good mom"...I never hear that I'm pretty from the husband or anything nice. Sure I hear that I have soft lips or my skin is super soft but that's not a compliment to me. Those are things that only he knows...what about things that everybody else sees...my appearance, outfit, hair, etc. Just once I would like to hear something nice and of course right now would probably mean the most because the hormones are on over drive. I know I'm getting uber fat and that I am more tired than usual but does it mean that there is nothing else good about me???? I guess I'm over sensitive right now...who knows but it sure would be nice if they noticed me every once in a while.