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15-4-2008 - Almost there.....

My mood while writing this blog: Mental training......

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I do feel like I am in mental training you know?....... All of these demons I've held so close over the past 20 years I am due to face next Thursday! Hell, I've already faced a few! I've managed to get pregnant and carry this little soul to 38 weeks and I've remained quite calm (all those years of therapy have paid off them eh?).

You see, as long as I can remember I've had a fear of pregnancy, childbirth and 'medical stuff'. Now, all you gorgeous Mamas to be out there know these things tend to go hand in hand eh? I never wanted children - I had a lot of baggage from my own childhood, and along with my depression I didn't want to risk putting anyone else through life! How the hell could I be a Mum?????? I know Rich (my husband) would have stood by me if I'd put my foot down and said 'no kids', but deep inside me I could feel the desire for them growing.

I attended hypnotherpay for 2 1/2 years - this helped me get to grips with actually carrying a baby and put a lot of things to rest for me. I dropped the anti-depressants and cut down on the copious amounts of alcohol I used to drink to bloat out the horrible thoughts that haunted me 24/7.

One issue I couldn't get passed though was the thought of vaginal birth. I'd had a minor operation on my cervix about 6 years ago, and finally got the all clear January just gone. This meant I had no excuses left regarding trying for a baby. At this point I panicked. 'What the F*!k am I going to do'? I asked myself. 'I can't go through with it'. 'I can't give birth'. My head was being messed with again. I went to visit the nurse at my local G.P's and she suggested a C-sectiom. At first I panicked (I'm good at that! Lol), but after hearing about her own 2 experiences I was soothed, and for the first time I really had hope! I booked an appointment to see my Doctor,as I was determined a C-section was to be agreed before we tried for a baby - I couldn't risk being hung out to dry at the 11th hour! I beared my soul and my history to my G.P, who wrote to my local hospital asking for a guarantee. I waited, and waited......and waited a bit more.........

On 14th July 2008 the guarantee came through. A C-section was go! I felt relieved and terrified. An operation is only 2nd to my fear of natural childbirth - and I know I wasn't taking the easy option by a long shot.

I became a Wiccan in 2005 (though I have practised this 'religion' all my life looking back) and to celebrate my 30th birthday last July I wanted to be Handfasted to my husband, Rich. A Handfasting, put simply, is a Wiccan wedding. This was performed on our traditional anniversary (21st July) by a dear friend of mine, Nana Nik. Birth control was put on one side from this point on (not straight after the ceremony you understand...Lol).

I concieved the 26th July 2008. The pieces in the puzzle were finally coming together.

Pregnancy has not been anything like I thought it would be. Emotional? yes. Scary? A little at times. Alien?....never. I haven't had to do a thing, my body has done it all for me! Lol. And guess what? It knows what its doing! If I can make it this far, anyone can. I spent almost ten years with my head completely messed up, obsessed by drink and escaping - I had a mostly kind family and supportive partner, but even they couldn't calm the torture I felt (You get good at hiding it too...). I feel like I have finally grown up with the only reminders of the old me being some crappy tattoos - which I still like so thats O.K!

So all this comes to an end next Thursday. I do the thing I have always feared. But, hey, he's got to come out somehow eh? I can't comprehend what I am going to feel meeting my son, and finally shedding what remaining past skin that still clings to me. My baby is not the only one being born - he gives me another chance.........

cross your fingers for me ladies and gentlemen. XX

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1 Comments on Almost there.....


mrsssh - Monday, 21 Apr
Had a show today! Eek! A bit nervous, though I do know it doesn't mean anything is to happen immediately! Due to have my c-section Thursday....I so want to make that date and not be rushed in :-/ Would hate to have made it this far and things to go astray at the last minute.......though I can't wait to meet my little one :-)