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24-5-2008 - 36 weeks 1 day

My mood while writing this blog: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! Is it too late to get a refund??

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So this is me... sittin' on mah butt at last... on what is officially my second day of maternity leave... and I can't help thinking... "AHHHHHHH - Noooooo, wait!". Spent the last 32 weeks (that I've been aware of this pregnancy) counting down eagerly. Now it's real, very real, and almost TOO real in being bonked over the head with the realisation that I'm sitting at home with nothing better to do than *wait* to go into labour... every twinge, every little ache, every BH and every little toe-poke I get makes me stop dead in my tracks and hold my breath (and my belly) in the "uh-oh-is-this-it?" posture, which is something akin to Gollum sitting hunched over, clutching his "preciousssssss" with that wild-eyed look. It's exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time.

I've hit the stage of doubt... can I really do this? Am I ready for this? The age-old "will I be a good mom"? I feel as though there is some personal, mental or emotional preparation that I need to do for this, but I don't know where to start! I guess one just has to trust one's instincts, and go with it. I'm wracked with questions, they swirl through my head constantly, but with all the organised procession of a swarm of gnats... in other words, none at all... I've barely finished contemplating one, then another one pops up and it's "omg, I haven't even THOUGHT of that... where do I start?" and, most importantly... "I want my mooooooommmmeeeeeeeee!" LOL

Other than all this, I am LOVING my maternity leave (even though day 2 falls on a Saturday). I had a great day yesterday just pottering around the house, baking, cooking (my favourite past time), actually being able to get washing done BEFORE the weekend, reading my books... and today I start washing the boy's clothes etc :) Despite the messy head, there is something beautiful about this underlying sense of calm and purpose which pervades through me in between the panic lol. It helps to be able to leave work behind and finally focus on what really matters.

This feels like my true transition into womanhood, and there is some part of me which misses that ageless term of "girl"... the freedom which came with it... and there is something very daunting but beautiful about the fact that my persona is about to forever alter from "me" to "him". I've never been so ready to sacrifice everything I have or want for this amazing little person I've never met, but love nevertheless. I think this paradox of resigning and giving yourself up to a greater purpose, possibly the greatest purpose of all, versus what you had and what you wanted up until now, is at least partly responsible for the nervousness I feel.

*Sigh* pretty tough, not really knowing whether you're coming or going! lol

Had my appointment almost 2 weeks ago... ALL CLEAR ON THE GD FRONT! No diabetes AT ALL! The Doc looks at my sugars and goes "so the question is... how long do we keep persecuting you and draining you?"... AGAIN, I told him my husband is pretty big... and for once he said I'd convinced him that the size of the baby is NOT due to GD. Course, at 34 weeks, he was measuring 37... hmmmmm. Will be back next week to check his growth and hopefully discuss birthing options... I'd still love to have a vaginal birth... but while I might be wide at the moment, due to extra padding, I'm actually pretty narrow skeletally speaking... I've been instructed to stay with the OB's in the GD Clinic, due to their superior experience when it comes to big babies... Fingers crossed for next week then :)

So after ALL that babbling, and nervous talk, I am taking a lot of comfort in the writings of Kahlil Gibran, lately and particularly this passage:

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday."

XXX

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1 Comments on 36 weeks 1 day


Rosieb - Tuesday, 27 May
Stupid cell wont allow me to reply to yr msg on yr vip page. Will do that when my cell is charged. Lol! Btw i'm holding thumbs for u and hope yr baby will b here soon!