24-4-2009 - I feel like a butt

My mood while writing this blog: ashamed

I feel so insane. Three days ago, I had a bad day, and it hasn't seemed to go away! I ordered a dress for my baby shower and it makes me look huge. I was so excited about this dress and I hate it so much. So I traded my pretty spring sun dress for a short-sleeved gray one. That was only one thing among others that made my day crappy.

The next day after trying on tons of shirts, I decided to throw a fit and throw my clothes across the room! I hate how everything fits me! I have 2 nice shirts and now one is too small. My husband felt so bad for me and I felt like an ass for throwing my clothes across the room. I just broke down into tears. He wanted to take me out and buy me a new shirt to make me feel better. I'm just so fed up! I've spent over $200 in a maternity wardrobe and I'm not buying anymore! I can't believe that my new clothes don't fit! I've only gained 20 pounds. I see now why women end up in sweats and t-shirts! I always said I'd never end up in sweats and t-shirts. But you know what? I think that's what I should have bought to begin with! I didn't let my husband buy me any new clothes because I feel the money could be better spent on the baby.

Okay, so to top it all off.... All week, I've been looking forward to going to one of our local parks with my friends. It was supposed to be my best friend, her boyfriend, and I wanted one of our guy friends to go so I wouldnt' be the 3rd wheel. My husband couldn't go because he had to work. So last minute, my friend tells me that our guy friend invited a new friend of his. I was so pissed! I told them to go ahead without me, that I didn't want to be the 5th person and get left out. I said I wouldn't have even invited him if I knew he'd be bringing someone else. I couldn't find anyone else to go with us. So I said I wasn't going. Well, I guess it hurt their feelings. I had nothing against the new girl in his life. And I am so ashamed of how I acted. I can't imagine what her first impression of me was. A pregnant brat maybe? I just cried and cried because I didn't want to go and they were still trying to talk me into going. My husband said he understood, but said my friends obviously wanted me with them. So I decided to go anyway after an hour of crying. I like to plan, and when the plans don't go exactly as I expect them to, I get so upset. Well, I went. And I had a pretty decent time. I ended up appologizing to everyone for being such a brat earlier. Everyone seemed to be really understanding even my friend's new girlfriend. I am still ashamed of how I acted. Luckily they all said it's okay that I can be a little nuts for a few more months. I was so mean to them earlier. I said I was never making plans with them again unless I knew I had someone to hang out with! Me and my best friend agreed that I'd get it all paid back once she got pregnant lol.

I just can't believe that I've been such a brat! And I never cry. I'm usually the one that keeps it all together. I've never cried so much my whole life as I have the past month. I feel bad for my husband who has to put up with me. He does really well with it. But I'm sure it isn't fun for him either. I just can't help it.