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29-8-2008 - The diagnosis and my decision...

My mood while writing this blog: depressed

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Well yesterday I had my level 2 ultrasound. It was suppose to be a 2 hour appointment cause I had to meet with a genetic counselor and then my ultrasound, then the doctor would come in and explain everything that was found. It was hard meeting with the counselor because you go over everything that could go wrong, and what could be wrong, and she kept pointing out trimosy (sp) 13 and 18. Those 2 little chromosomes are lethal. They say if a baby is born with an extra, or missing chromosome from 13 or 18, the babies dont live up to the age of 1 and definately wont see preschool days. They wanted to push for the aminocentsis. I said before I make any decisions on what I am going to so, I want to see the extent of the omphalocele and if there are any other problems, considering 50-70% of babies born with this condition have other defects. If it was just the omphalocele, I would have to meet with surgeons, drive an hour away every week for the sonogram, be considered high risk pregnancy, the baby would be in NICU for months probably, which I was ready to take head on, if that was the problem and it was isloated. Well, the ultrasound took up to almost an hour and a half. It got to the point that when I looked at her heart, I couldnt look no more. I just cried. I couldnt even watch her on the screen cause I knew what was going on, I may only be 20, but you cant take away from the instincts that I have. I did see a 3-d image of her for a sec, and she was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo freakin cute. She does take after her mama lol. Then the doctor came in, who was very very very nice and stated there is a possible heart problem, face defects, spine problems, and missising an umbilical vessel, she had 2 out of the 3 that are needed and she will go over it again to make sure it just wasnt the wrong angle or just a bad pic. Well she realized that the babies back was ok. We couldnt get a great picture of her heart, but it looked like her heart was facing left, instead of the right way. Her chin, almost looked like it wasnt there. I got a profile shot of her, and you can see her nose, but then it looks like no chin is there. Her hands were great looking, but her feet looked like she had no toes so I heard, I wasnt looking the whole time cause i really didnt want to see it. Her omphalocele was pretty much huge. It was on the big side. Which is serious, but its something that can be fixed with surgery and Im not to concerned with it like I am with everything else. I pretty much knew what time it was when she kept bringing up chromosome problems. In the state of Delaware, you have up to 24 weeks to terminate a pregnancy. My baby has no chance at life. She has a face defect which wont really be fixable, she has heart problems that will take multiple surgeries to fix, and for the year that she may live, she wont enjoy life outside the hospital. She may not even make it through labor with her heart the way it is. They said I could have a fetal echo, aminocentsis, fetal mri to see what organs were included in the omphalocele. By the way, they couldnt find her liver or stomach, so it either does not exsist, or its up in her chest by her heart. It would be way to unfair to have a baby live like that. And it would be 50 million times harder to bring her into to world, care for her, then have her die. I think Im more confident in terminating the pregnancy considering all the organs she needs to survive are damamged and may not even be there. This is the choice I have decided to make. And most doctors wont do it, but considering its a fetal anamoly (sp) they will. Its not that I dont want her, cause I love her more then I love myself right now and that is why I have decided to do this... its just not fair to her. This time around, Im ok with it. I feel good that she has a better chance in heaven then she does here. There are 2 ways to terminate a pregnancy, through a D&E or labor and delivery. I want a labor and delivery cause she will come out in 1 piece, and she can get an autopsy to find out exactly everything that was wrong. I hope all the moms out there can understand where I am coming from and help me through this. Im sure any mom would not want their baby to come out deformed. I will let you know when I get everything scheduled.

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39 Comments on The diagnosis and my decision...


Liz3 - Monday, 29 Sep
I read your story and I am so sorry you had to go thru this .. You and your little girl are in my prayers! God Bless you and please dont take anyone negativity to heart. I can not imagine it was an easy decision!

lilmissk - Wednesday, 24 Sep
I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through this. I probably would have done the same thing.

mum444 - Tuesday, 23 Sep
i would have done the same thing. i am so sorry for you. please dnt give up we are all thinking of you xoxo

leesa007 - Tuesday, 9 Sep
I feel so hurt -I am praying for you, and send you God's comfort and peace.

juniper willow - Monday, 8 Sep
you are in deep prayers..I am hoping you are healing and doing well...May you be blessed always...

skittles0607 - Monday, 8 Sep
I was just writing to see how you are doing? I hope things are going well.

sickamoaning - Tuesday, 2 Sep
Right behind you with your decision. A massive hug to you, I'm so so sorry xxx

bellaswan - Monday, 1 Sep
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

prayer-n-a-blessin - Monday, 1 Sep
Awl mama I was so hurt reading this...I am truely sorry. I will have to pray for you and your family...I am heartbroken! Im so sorry!

babigirl1108 - Saturday, 30 Aug
im so sorry hunni....just remember everythin happens for a reason...ill keep you in my prayers x0

mommieof4 - Saturday, 30 Aug
Reading this broke my heart. I am crying reading this. I hope that everything works out for you.

californiabeso - Saturday, 30 Aug
I am so sorry for all that you are going through....you are so brave. I am a complete mess just reading about it...God Bless you.

AnGeLaZBaByBoY - Saturday, 30 Aug
I"m writing on my daughter's name, she's pregnant with her second child, and the first one was stillborn, but she was faced with a similar decision - her baby's fetal alpha protein levels were high, she had very low amniotic fluid and the baby had intrauterine growth restriction - and they also thought that the baby had heart problems - and the head was about 3 weeks ahead in growth than the rest of the baby's body - she was 23 weeks when she got her diagnosis and at the time she was living in OHio and they had the same laws about terminating the pregnancy before 24 weeks. I flew into town to be with her because she also had made the decision to terminate the pregnancy but wasn't able to find a doctor in her area willing to do it due to the lateness in her pregnancy. Fate stepped in and on Monday she had an apointment with a doctor to see if he would terminate and the day before (Sunday) she wasn't feeling well and wasn't keeping anything down so we went to L&D and she was given an ultrasound and the baby had already passed away - she was induced and after about 20 hours of labor she delivered her daughter - she was stillborn - God had taken the choice out of her hands, but God chose to take the baby to heaven so that she wouldn't suffer here on earth - it was so hard, but now she's pregnant again with a little boy - and things are going well - be strong - and know that you are making the best decision for yourself and your child - you will be in my prayers!!
(Angela's mom... Angela is here too and feeling bad for you - she's on strict bedrest right now - staying with me - which is why I"m here on her page!!)

nevada69 - Saturday, 30 Aug
i am so so sorry sweet heart :(

mummypig - Saturday, 30 Aug
Wow that was really hard to read about let alone actually going through it. Brought a tear to my eye. Stay strong and we'll be thinking of you...

skittles0607 - Friday, 29 Aug
Im so sorry what you found out. I am a mom of 2 and TTC and I would do the same thing if there was something this serious with the baby! We will be here for you if you need to talk.. Again I am sorry!!!

mcbender3 - Friday, 29 Aug
IM SOOOO SORRY to hear this!
I'm 100% behind you on your decisions.. its the right thing to do in my mind because like you said, it wouldnt be fair to the baby to suffer.



~Alicia~ - Friday, 29 Aug
That is such a hard decision to make. I am so sorry to hear about your little one. I can not imagine how hard this has been for you and I just pray that everything will work out. God bless you and your family. Keep us updated and take care of yourself.

lv2bamommy - Friday, 29 Aug
O sweetheart! YOU are the strong one! I can't imagine what you are facing right now! Please know that I am here for you! I pray that you find peace!!

kameeder - Friday, 29 Aug
OH my goodness...i'm soo sorry!!!!!!! I can't even imagine how hard this must be. What a poor little baby! :( I will keep you and your baby girl in my prayers.

sariebarie007 - Friday, 29 Aug
I am so sorry to hear that. I cant even imagine what you are going thru, but I can tell you that you are one strong woman! This breaks my heart but I would have done the exact same thing! Its only fair to your little one! I hope everything goes ok for you!!
xxx

12.28.08 - Friday, 29 Aug
Hi hunni,
I just wanted to let you know that i feel your pain so much and i couldnt even imagine being in your position. I am so truly sorry for everything your having to endur and most of all everything this bright little baby girl will have to go threw. I think all moms are sympathetic to your situation and i dont think there is one person out there who could judge. This choice is being made because things are wrong and not for any other reason. She will always have a place in your heart, and i wish you much luck and health with any further children you do choose to have. Best wishes, love the Rubletz family.

babymomma67 - Friday, 29 Aug
aww honey it killed me to read this...i am so sorry. this really and truly breaks my heart. i wish you the very best and i know this is going to be very hard for you so if you wanna chat just let know.

Much love!!!
-Heather

DANIELLA - Friday, 29 Aug
Im so sorry to hear what youre going through..youre in my prayers hon...

mellabella1922 - Friday, 29 Aug
oh hun, I'm so so sorry that you have to make a decision like this. Many condolences! You and your family are in my prayers.

chikadee29 - Friday, 29 Aug
I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your family will be in my prayers.

sunflowerc - Friday, 29 Aug
im so so so sorry, i can`t even being to think what you must be feeling. i would have done the same as you. take care. an i will be thinking of you, xxxx my heart goes out to you xx

missmeliss - Friday, 29 Aug
I don't even know what to say....I can't even imagine how you must feel. What a difficult decision to have to make....God bless you and your little one....stay strong and good luck.

Megan - Friday, 29 Aug
oh i am soo soo sorry! your post made me start crying. i cant even imagine. you are in my prayers.

tuesday - Friday, 29 Aug
your so strong, and i would have made the same decision..

im so sorry,
your in my paryers

barbie0mafia - Friday, 29 Aug
omg! i am sooo sorry hunni...im pretty much crying just reading that. i cant say that i kno how you feel..i dont..my heart goes out to you and your lil one..im so sorry you have to do that. thats terrible that your baby would have so many problems. you and her both do not deserve that. i cannot believe that something like that would happen to an innocent lil life. i understand what you have to do...it would probably be harder if she was born and had all sorts of problems. im really sorry hunni..i dont even kno what to say..i just wanna cry thinkin about it...i will deff pray for you and baby..i hope everything goes good for you and your lil girl will deff be in heaven.

msmillsap08 - Friday, 29 Aug
Oh dear, I am so very, very sorry that you have to go through this and had to be forced to make this decision. Life is so unfair sometimes. You are doing what is best for you and your little girl. May God give you peace throughout this whole ordeal. Best Wishes!

Britney8328 - Friday, 29 Aug
oh :( reading your blog really broke my heart, Im so sorry you are going through this, im sure that was an extremly hard decision to make but you going to do the right thing letting your angel go. God bless you and your family. I wish you all the best.

Autumn - Friday, 29 Aug
I am so sorry for what you are going through... I firmly believe that you are making the right decision for you and your little girl... she is so lucky to have you for a Mommy!! You are in my thoughts and prayers...

meecob - Friday, 29 Aug
There are no words that can make this easier for you and your family....but please know you are in my thoughts - take care.

TheMommyOfAngels - Friday, 29 Aug
what you're going thru is something i cant even imagine...
but i do think i understand.
its kinda of like y i pulled the plug on my little girl
she was suffering
and she would only continue to suffer.
and thats not what u want for ur child

this world is hard enough without problems, being born with problems would just make life easier...
especially with such serious problems

may God bless you and your family and help you through this time

keep in touch

soblessed88 - Friday, 29 Aug
Im so sorry this has happened. You and your family are in my prayers....

kady-x-x-x - Friday, 29 Aug
:( im soo sorry. i hope you are feeling ok, well as ok as u can feel. goodluck with everything. xxx

Anesha - Friday, 29 Aug
I AM SO SO SORRY TO HEAR THIS! I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.