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24-9-2008 - My baby story..

My mood while writing this blog: hopeful

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Well Ladies,

I know everybody had been waiting for this story, and its going to be long, so if u got to get a drink or use the bathroom, do it now…

Well I will start from the day that I left off. When I found out what happened, I had the gut feeling that I had to let her go. I just knew. You know when you have the feeling to just do something without even questioning yourself… yea that’s what I had. There was no if, ands, or buts about it. For the first time, I thought like a mother and I put her before me. I did it without even thought. I didn’t care about what it would make me feel like loosing her, I didn’t say “well, if I let her go what is going to happen to me?” I didn’t matter when it came to making sure that she was in peace and not in pain, and was not going to be in any kind of pain when she was born. It kind of scared me how my mind kicked into over drive. It just came natural, and that’s how I know I can be a great mom, cause I put her first when I haven’t even thought about it.

On Sept 4^th, I had an appt with a doctor who was willing to terminate the pregnancy due to fetal complications. Darryl, my mom, Darryl’s mom, and my aunt all came with me. When I arrived there at 1030, the walk into the office felt like the walk of death. It felt like I was about to get the death penalty. There is not a feeling in the world that I can describe to you that would tell you how miserable I felt. Those were my last mintues with my baby girl. How can you say goodbye to your living baby in your belly? Is there really a right way? I couldn’t hold my baby, I could talk to her but that wasn’t good enough for me. My mom came into the room with me first. I could only have one person at a time in the room. So my mom came in with me when the procedure was explained to me. From my understanding, they were going to do the amino when I already had the epidural so I didn’t have to feel it. But boy was I wrong. She explained that to do the termination of the pregnancy, they had to put a needle through my uterus anyways. I was pissed but it was just a small gust of wind compared to the hurricane I was about to face head on. It really had me nervous because they had SO many people in the room. For the procedure, I had my mom leave and Darryl come in, cause I needed somebody strong to be with me, and I feel like he should have a chance to see her on the ultrasound screen alive once last time cause that is his daughter, I would have loved to have my mom in there, but when she cries, I cry. I hate to see my mom upset and hurting, and I was trying to be strong as well. So when Darryl came in, I felt a bit stronger because he just gives me that extra boost I need. He is really good at staying calm in a situation like this, and just talking to me so I don’t flip out. There was probably 10 people in the room, I was so scared to get that needle in my stomach. So when the were ready to do it, I asked if I could see her on the screen alive one more time. I just looked at her and talked to her in my head, I just wanted her to know that I was doing this for her, and for her well being. She was moving around like crazy and she has always done when she was on the screen. It was hard for me knowing that she was about to have her heart stopped and she had no idea what was coming. After I told the doctor to go ahead, they stuck the needle in my belly right where she wasn’t at. As soon as the needle went in, she moved RIGHT to the needle so they couldn’t draw the fluid they needed. They sat there for a couple minutes trying to move my belly to get her to move but she wouldn’t. I felt the doctor keep moving the needle around in my stomach and I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her to either stop or take it out. She said once in a blue moon, they have to remove the needle and do it over again. I said yea, and that will happen to me. One part that I did leave out, is the doctor who put the needle in, is the doctor who gave me my level 2 ultrasound, who is Dr. Merriman. The doctor for the termination is Dr. Hockman. So once Dr Merriman could not get the baby to move, I started crying cause it started to hurt with feeling the needle just poking me on the inside of my uterus. I started crying hard. Darryl was just telling me to stay calm and that it was ok. I started crying and saying that I just want my baby and that I want this to be over with. Once I started with that, Dr Hockman told her to take the needle out and he took over and did it all over again, so I got poked in my stomach twice. By this time, I was hysterical. When the fluid came out, it was red with my blood in it. Then Dr Hockman put in the fluid that would stop her heart, and put in sooooooo much saline it was crazy. Darryl said he could not believe how much fluid there was. The saline inside the womb will start contractions. So after that it was all done. My makeup was everywhere all over my face which pissed me off even more cause I looked like I had just been hit by a truck. Everybody was so nice and understanding which made me feel a bit better. They told me that the contractions will start and I will go into labor in about 12-24 hours and everything will be done and over with by 36 hours. After I left the office, I felt like I just took a whole bottle of pills and that I just killed myself slowly. I really wanted to just die. I was in pain from where they poked me twice at, I was emotional dying. When we left, everybody wanted to go to lunch cause they were hungry, and I felt like I should go pick my coffin out. I was miserable and not hungry. They were all like you have to eat, eat this, and eat that. I kept saying NO NO NO. How can I eat when I just stopped my babies heart?! So finally I told everybody I wanted to go home so pack it up. I fell asleep on the way home cause the hospital and doctors office was an hour away. I went home and just layed in bed.

I woke up at about 430 in the morning starting to hurt really bad, or what I thought was pain! And keep in mind, I went through what a woman at 40 weeks would have went through, and a labor at 20 weeks is more painful because my body did not get the chance to prepare for labor like a woman with a full term baby does. And when I woke up, I was abnormally cold. I was freezing. I thought I woke up in snow completely naked. I told Darryl, I think I have a fever. So the pain got bad enough where I had him go wake mom up. She was like try and time how far along the contractions were, and I didn’t feel that, I just felt a constant ache in my lower abdomen and lower back and I know I didn’t like it. We had to call Darryl’s mom so she could come with us and she is 30 min away, so I had to wait till she got here so we could leave. When I finally got out of bed, I put on 2 sweat pants, and a hoodie. Mom took my temp and it was 99.6 which I thought was weird because I haven’t had a fever in years. I know everybody knows that when you have a fever, your body just aches badly. So I kind of got hit with 2 buses at the same time. So we left here at about 530 to drive to the hospital. I brought my blanket with me so I could bundle up in the car because I knew that I would be cold. On out way there, I told mom to pull over because I felt sick. Sure enough, when I put my head out the door everything I drank came right back up. I also haven’t thrown up in years. When I finally got to the hospital, I threw up again and my fever was 102.9. When I got admitted, they gave me the wonderful IV, then they had to do another ultrasound to make sure that there was no heartbeat. They did it twice, and I’m like alright, enough of that. I don’t want to see my baby’s dead body floating in my stomach, and once my mom saw it, here came the waterworks. Once they knew there was no heartbeat, they step up to have the epidural. It was not as bad as I thought it would have been so I didn’t mind it to much, and they are life savors, believe me. It felt soooo good to get some kind of relief. So when they checked me, I was not even dialated. I was pissed but oh well. I was hooked up not feeling nothing so it didn’t bother me, it was just a waiting game. I was on and off sleeping all day. I was getting a migraine so they game me other lovely drugs so I didn’t feel much. Later on, I started to get pain in my right side. They kept giving my higher doses of the epidural medicine but it wasn’t hitting my right side. Finally they called the doctor and he gave me something he called “pixie dust”. He said if that doesn’t work then they will have to take out the epidural and redo it. I said I don’t care just numb that right side. Well, the pixie dust worked and I fell asleep. I was OUT! And when I woke up it was about 1020. I woke up and I felt like I had to (excuse my language) poop! Once I said that, Darryl’s mom got the nurse, and she called the doctor. She came in and checked me and she said I was completely dialated, but part of my bag wasn’t broke so it might be a bit longer. Then all the sudden I started to feel like I was going to get sick again, so they got me that little puke bucket thing. When I sat up, I said this don’t feel right, and I told the nurse I think something is coming out of me. I said something hard is coming out, she said oh its ok, I said no its not the baby is coming out, and not 5 seconds later my baby was on the bed. I was shocked. And since I knew the baby had deformities, I did not want any of the family to see her, so I started almost yelling at my mom, Darryl and his mom to get up at the top of the bed till she was out of the room. I wanted to make sure that her face was not so deformed that she didn’t look like a baby. After the took her away, there was one hell of a mess to be cleaned up. There was blood everywhere. They did not even get a chance to prepare for her or for the labor yet cause they didn’t think that it would happen like that. She was born at 1042 pm. She was 9.5 inches and 11 ounces. She was teeny tiny. I pretty much fell asleep after that. One problem was that my placenta wasn’t attached so I had to wait till my body pushed it out. And since the pixie dust wore off, I was feeling everything on my right side. That pain was sooo bad waiting for my placenta to come out. They wanted to wait about 2-4 hours to see if it would come out on its own. When 2 hours went by, I was crying cause it hurt so bad. I told the nurse to get the doctor. She said that if it didn’t come out on its own, I would have to go in for surgery so they could remove it. I said I don’t care just get me out of this pain. She wanted me to try and push it out as a last resort before surgery, so they pulled my legs up and told me to push. I pushed so freaking hard that it came out within 10 seconds of pushing thank god! They were all shocked that it came out. I told them that it hurt so bad that I was about to reach up there and pull it out. So after the placenta came out, the pain just went away from those horrible cramps. I apparently fell asleep for a bit.

After I woke up, she was all cleaned up and everything had calmed down a bit. My mom and Darryl’s mom asked if they could go see her. I asked the nurse if her face was ok because I was really concerned about her jaw being a problem, and I didn’t want the last image of her in everybody’s head of some baby with a messed up face. She said that there was really no face deformities. That kind of threw me for a loop cause in the ultrasound Dr Merriman said that her chin looked a lot smaller then what it should be. So I sent the moms in to go see her. They both said she looked like a normal baby. I wasn’t ready to see her yet so I just waited. Mom had the pastor of the hospital come in and bless her, so that was really nice. Around 2 in the morning the moms left and that is when I held her and saw her for the first time. It was really love at first sight. She was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my life. She was mine. I made her. It was my body that created something some precious. I didn’t know that I could have so much love for something. The weird part is that she wasn’t even alive and I was still ready to take care of her, and I really had to keep reminding myself that she was not alive. I held her and I didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t help but feel some guilt because I did make her, and look what happened. I know it’s not my fault, but what happened and what went so wrong to cause all of this? What did my body do so wrong that made my baby have no future? It was the beset feeling in the world but at the same time the worst. I couldn’t even cry when I held her because she was so precious. There are so many different ways I feel I don’t know what to feel. I don’t want to say that I’m numb from all the pain, but I was just so confused on what to feel. I think everybody expected me to cry but I didn’t, and I kind of felt like I had to cry just to show people that I do have emotion. But I didn’t. I just loved her and held her. I wanted to show her lifeless body how much love I have for her cause I know her spirit was sitting right there with me. So I just continued to hold her. I feel asleep holding her and that was the best nap of my life. At least I can say that I did hold and nap with her. It just felt so right to hold her, it felt like this is what I’m suppose to do. When I was holding her, I just prayed and prayed that I would hear a cry, but I knew that wouldn’t happen. I would have done anything in the world to have her alive, and crying and moving. Darryl and I passed her back and forth. When I was holding her, and I was talking to her, Darryl lost it and started crying, and I just wanted to hold him and tell him that it was ok. I wanted to make sure that everybody was ok. I really didn’t care about myself at that point. I wanted to make sure that my baby who wasn’t living was ok, and that Darryl was ok. For that short time in the hospital room, I had my family. I had the love of my life Darryl with me, and my baby that I had so much love for her I could barely contain myself. I felt like I was about to bust at the seams with love. It was everything that I wanted, the 3 of us. When he held her, I felt like crying cause I know how he wants to be a dad so bad, and you could just tell by the way that he looked at her that he loved her more then he loved life itself. I feel so guilty that I could not give him his baby girl. Again, I know it’s not my fault, but any mother that has lost a baby will understand where I am coming from. So finally it was around 4 in the morning and the nurse came in and took her away. I felt lifeless. My world, my heart, my life, my everything left forever. She was gone. I would never see her again. I would never be able to hold Adrianna again for the rest my life, that was it. I couldn’t watch as they took her away. I really just wanted to die right then and there. I wanted to be with her. I would have gladly carried to term, then have me die and have her live. I would rather them cut my body up for an autopsy then her any day. But after that, Darryl and I went to bed. I ended up having to stay in the hospital for another day because of the fever I had. My mom had arranged for a funeral home to take her and cremate her so I could have her. I have her in a little teddy bear, and her tiny urn is inside the bear. It’s cute. The funeral home didn’t charge us at all because she was so tiny. That was so nice of them. When I left the hospital, I kept having this feeling that I needed to go back. I felt like I was forgetting something, like I left something behind. I could not figure it out for the life of me. I was almost starting to panic, then I remember that I left my baby. I just started bawling. I wanted to go back and get my baby. I honestly had to keep reminding myself that she was not alive. I couldn’t fight the urge to want to turn around. I hated it, I cried for about 10 min quietly so nobody could hear me. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world also. The whole situation is just shitty all together.

So here I am now, going on 3 weeks Friday, and I’m holding up pretty well considering. I miss her more then anybody could ever know, but I know that I did it for the best so I am comfortable with knowing that. Some people think that since I’m so quiet about the whole thing, I’m going to flip on day, which I might, and some people think that I am just handling it very well, which I am. I will still cry when I think about it a lot, and there are days where I’m in the shower, and I will almost collapse in the bathtub just crying cause I want to feel my baby again, I want her to still be alive. I literally have to take it one day at a time and keep pushing forward and know that one day I will have a baby. My future baby will have so much love he or she is not going know what to do with it. I can’t wait to give my love to my future baby, and I can’t wait to be the best mom that I can be. I have lost 2 babies, and hopefully that will be it. I’m only 20, and I have been through what most middle aged woman have been through. And I have also survived people’s worst nightmares and I am still standing here talking about it. One lesson that I have learned out of all of this is that I can’t give up. I had been through been through some pretty bad storms, but the sun always shines afterwards. I know that Adrianna Renee would not want me to be upset and get depressed, so I’m not going to. I’m going to live my life as if I am doing everything for her. She is my angel, and she is my strength.

Now, many of you ladies have asked if I am going to try again. I will tell you that I am a fighter, and I’m not going to give up. I will try again. But I will wait until my body heals properly, and when I get the ok from my doctor. After all of this, Darryl and I have decided to repair the damages in our relationship. We need to get all the results from the tests that were ran on Adrianna, and we need to autopsy results. I want a definite answer on what happened before him and I attempt to bring another baby in this world. I did get the amino results back, and the doctor was wrong in thinking that it was a chromosome problem. All of her chromosomes were perfectly normal. My genetic counselor says since it’s not a chromosome problem, it was either a fluke thing that happened, or its genetics. Darryl could have passed a bad gene, I could have passed a bad gene, or we both could have. If the problem is ruled as a genetic problem, we have a 25% chance that this could happen again, which to me is really high. I have beat the odds on everything else, so why wouldn’t I beat the odds on 25%? We shall see though, I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch.

So ladies, here you have it. There is my story. It has taken me almost 3 weeks to get it out, but I did. From all of this, I want to tell you pregnant ladies to thank God every single day for that healthy growing baby in your belly. Ladies who carry full term don’t know how lucky they are to have crying babies in 40 weeks. I want woman to stop crying and complaining about the small stuff, stop complaining about being pregnant. For woman who lost babies, it really pisses us off because woman who complain do not realize how lucky they are. It’s selfish to cry and complain about having a healthy pregnancy. Take one day at a time, rub your belly, and be thankful. For the woman who lost a baby, I’m sorry. I feel your pain. Your not alone and I’m here for anybody that wants to talk. Stay strong, it will get better in time. I wish everybody luck with their pregnancies. I can’t wait till the day I can tell you ladies that I have a BFP again. Thank you for all the support I have gotten you ladies, it really does mean the world to me.

Thanks again!

Vanessa

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30 Comments on My baby story..


greenmommy - Tuesday, 25 Nov
I just read this story and cried so hard. I will pray that you will have a healthy baby this next time. You have been through enough pain. I just want to hug you. I don't know who you are but I just want to hug you and cry with you like a sister. You are very strong.

greenmommy - Tuesday, 25 Nov
I just read this story and cried so hard. I will pray that you will have a healthy baby this next time. You have been through enough pain. I just want to hug you. I don't know who you are but I just want to hug you and cry with you like a sister. You are very strong.

sjohns5c - Tuesday, 25 Nov
omg. i cannot imagine having to go thru what you did. you are very strong. i cried reading your story and i have never even met you. i hope the next time around you get the perfect little angel that you deserve

MelissaRJohnson - Wednesday, 12 Nov
wow......cant even imagine. i cried throughout your whole story. a mothers love for her baby/babies is the most incredible selfless bond there is. i cant imagine having to face the tasks u've had to endure with BOTH pregnancies.
and to kameeder ...keep your negative comments to yourself...does it look like she needs to hear that kind of stuff?? i dont think her story or decision should be a debate on what is right or wrong. she did what she thought best. end of story, keep ur mouth shut.
i dont think any of us could possibly pass judgement unless we went through it as well.
you're a strong woman nessa, i bawled my eyes out just reading it, cant imagine living it. you're in my thoughts and just remember one day you'll get to meet up with ur babygirl in heaven...no tears, no saddness. God bless and i hope things get better for u and ur family. xox

CatwithKitten - Tuesday, 30 Sep
Nessa, thank you for bravely sharing your story with us and facing the criticism of your choice. I am proud of your selflessness and I fully support your decision. You are a brave, brave woman and we are fortunate that you have so eloquently shared your story.
I hope that you and Darryl are successful in the future; you have a lot to offer as a mom. - Cat

marie1j - Monday, 29 Sep
I could not even imagine going through what you have gone through and what you are still going through. I have you and your family in my prayers. I wanted to let you know I was one of those woman who use to complain and I am still guilty every once in the blue moon of complaining. But I know I have a healthy baby and my back pain, tiredness or whatever I am going through is well worth it for this lil boy growing inside of me. I pray everyday that he is healthy because I could not fathom the decisions you had to make. I am such a punk I think I would just ball up and die then make the brave and strong decision you did. Because your mother instant did kick in and you did best for your child not what was best for you. Because I know myself I may choose to continue to go thru the pregnancy for my own reasoning and not thinking what is best for the child but what is best for myself. I think eventually I would make the same decision who did which is best for the child.

I think the negative comments you have received is from a person who is not justing thinking what is best for the child but what is best for her and her child. But one thing I realized once I found out I was pregnant, was that its not about me anymore its about the child and only the child. As long as my child is safe, unharmed and is not in any pain, then I am content. Now if there is a chance that my child could be unsafe, harmed or in the slightest bit of pain, I would do anything to make sure that does not happen. Any mother NEVER wants her child to feel any pain and has a mother we will always try to shelter our kids from any harms way.

But let me stop writing because its just making me angry how someone can judge you the way they did. Stay strong and i will keep you in my prayers.

gabezbabe - Monday, 29 Sep
Your story was very hard for me to read. I am so incredibly sorry that you had to go through that. I respect you so much for getting through that, I don't believe there is anything harder. NOBODY should ever have to go through something like that. My prayers are with you and Darryl. Bless you and your family.

nnjmommy - Monday, 29 Sep
Wow! My heart goes out to you and your family. It took me over an hour to read your story I just couldn't stop crying. I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling.Everyday people take life and what it offers for granted.Your lil one one may be in heaven but you are definitely 100% a mother in every sense of the word.I don't know why things happen the way they do:but I know that God has a plan.You are soooo strong,I'm glad you have a wonderful supportive family.I dont even no you but I will keep you in my prayers.

skittles0607 - Saturday, 27 Sep
Your story was so hard to read.. I really hope everything works out for you. Let us know how you are doing and what the dr says.. Good Luck to you. I dont know what else to really say. I pray God gives you a precious gift when you are ready. Only he knows. Good Luck again!

jessberr31 - Saturday, 27 Sep
First I would like to say that I am truly sorry for your loss.

I have 3 children, then 2 m/c, and now pg again. I would have done the exact same thing you did. I do not believe in abortion either, but a termination due to severe defects is NO comparison. For someone to even suggest that is totally wrong. I am sorry those comments were ever made to you. Being a mother I feel like you did the right thing as a mother. I don't think this person really realizes how much harder it would have been for your daughter. You spared her from much pain and that is the greatest gift you could have given her. No mother wants her baby to endure what your baby would have went through and to only live a very short time, if at all. She is in a better place now where she can watch over you and your furture children, along with her sibling you lost before her. They will be your guardian angels forever. Well, until you are reunited with them one day!

Take care sweetheart. Good luck to you and Darryl.

-newnaam - Saturday, 27 Sep
hey, i came across your page randomly. im not sure what to say, because ive never had to deal with even a death of a relative, but i feel like i should say something..not sure what :/ heres a hug! ::hugggg::

lv2bamommy - Thursday, 25 Sep
Vanessa~ You have said so many times in the past that I am such a strong woman, you by far, are one of the strongest, most selfless, courageous women I know! I'm sitting here at work and I'm crying because i'm reading your story. I can't even fathom the feelings you felt, the pain you felt, the love you lost, or the love that was in your heart when you held your beautiful baby! I'm so sorry you had to go through this, my heart aches for you sweetheart. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! If ever you need to talk please know that I'm here.
~~~Love & Hugs~~~~

sariebarie007 - Thursday, 25 Sep
Hey girly~~
I want you to know that I would have done the exact same thing if it were me in your shoes. I cant even imagine how you are feeling or what you are going thru. Because of your story, it made my boyfriend and I so thankful to have this healthy pregnancy. I dont know why these things happen to good people like you, but someday you WILL get your precious little one! Im amazed at how strong of a person you are. You made the right decision so dont let what other judgmental people say bother you. That woman who made her little comments doesnt have a clue what you went thru or what you are still going thru. Please dont second guess yourself and think that you made a mistake, because you didnt. That woman is ignorant and she should have never even left that comment. How dare she?! She is obviously the one who doesnt know the difference between an abortion clinic and an actual hospital. I agree that they are 2 totally different things. Like I, she will never ever know what you went thru and she certainly shouldnt pass judgment like that. In my eyes, it would have been selfish to keep the pregnancy going and bring your child into a world where they will be in pain and not live long. Please ignore her. You were so smart and strong in that situation. You are an inspiration to many! I know that you will get your baby someday! If you EVER need someone to talk to, message me!! Stay strong girl! xoxo

nessa11709 - Thursday, 25 Sep
kameeder- from what i am getting from you, you do not have one idea or clue what i am going through. If that is the case, do not respond to anything that I am saying. God forbid this ever happen to you, you will know then. Until then, dont ever say what you would do in this situation because you dont know. I was in the same shoes that you were in 2 and a half weeks ago, When I was in the genetic counselors office, I said I would never terminate my baby. I would never in a million years agree. But knowing what I know now, knowing what would have happen to my child, I would rather her not suffer. Maybe you are not grown up enough to know put yourself in my shoes, which is fine, but dont ever try and tell me what you feel is right when I just went through the worst possible thing in my life. I would never ever go abort my baby. I cry all the time and miss my child, but every single mother understands, and would not want their child to suffer. I have been in your shoes, believe me, cause I swore I would never terminate my baby. And terminate is not a nice word for abortion. Abortion is abortion, simple as that. Abortion is a word for somebody who does not want their child, somebody who feels they cant handle a baby. I wanted my baby, I wanted her more then I wanted my own life. I did what was right for her. We may have different beliefs, but when Im going through this, dont try and make me feel that what I did was wrong. Maybe you need to learn to put yourself in other peoples shoes and try and feel what they feel. You obviously will never know what its like to loose a baby at 20 weeks, and I hope that you never do. But dont be so insensitive when somebody just did. If you cant be be understandable, dont comment anymore. Im not being rude, and Im tryin my best not to be hateful right now. I need support, not somebody asking if I know the difference between an abortion clinic and the hospital. I went through labor and delievery, I will go through the same thing you will. There is not f'n difference. The only difference is that your baby will be healthy, and my baby would have been taken right away from me and be in surgery for the next year. Like I said, if u cant understand. Dont reply back. I got bigger problems to deal with then somebody who cant show a bit of support when that is what this whole website is about.

AnGeLaZBaByBoY - Thursday, 25 Sep
Nessa - I posted a comment to you about your story yesterday, and told you that my daughter had been through something very similar - she too was told that her daughter - at 23 weeks, had many very serious problems and probably wouldn't have lived through birth, and if she did, she wouldn't have lived long after birth, and she was told she only had a few days to decide to terminate or not, because the cut off was 24 weeks, after that she would have had to carry the baby until she either went into labor or the baby died.... Well she struggled with the decision but then decided that the best thing for her child would be to terminate the pregnancy - as hard as that would be on her, losing her first child, it would have been best for her child, to not have to go through suffering - she was searching for a doctor to perform the procedure as well and was having a hard time finding someone, she had the choice to have a d&c but she wanted to be able to give birth to her daughter and see her and have her cremated and be able to have memories of giving birth to her - so she wanted to be induced and go through labor and deliver the baby. She found a doctor that agreed to even meet with her, and it would have been1 day before 24 weeks, and she wasn't even sure if she was going to be able to have the induction done by the doctor, but it was her only chance, and the day before the appointment she was feeling sick and hadn't felt the baby move, so I took her to the hospital, they did an ultrasound, and the baby had passed away already - there was no heartbeat. So she was induced that day in the hospital and after 24 hours of labor she gave birth to her daughter - 8 oz and 9 3/4 inches long - she named her Angel... but what I'm trying to say here - is after reading the comment from the woman on your page who suggested that you were going to an abortion clinic and didn't like your comments about pregnant women complaining, I completely understand your anger and outrage - you did what was best for you and for your daughter, and no one can judge you unless they have been in your shoes - the decision you faced is something no one would ever want to have to face, and you did what you felt was best for your child - putting your own feelings aside, this proves the fact that you are a good mother - you wanted what was best for your child - and no one has the right to tell you what you did may have been wrong! God made the decision to end my granddaughters life, so that my daughter didn't have to go through with the termination - but she would have done what was best for the child - not having to suffer needlessly.... Please don't feel bad about yourself or question your decision because of someone else'scomments to you - someone who hasnt' been faced with the reality of being told that their child wouldn't live - and would have to suffer if they lived through birth - You did the right thing, and you will be blessed with another child some day - and when you are you will appreciate every puking episode and every back ache and every kick and punch, because you will truly know what you are going through is a miracle and a blessing - to carry a healthy child - I pray for you and for your family and hope that you don't take these mean comments to heart! If you need someone to talk to my daughter, who is sitting in bed on bedrest right now right beside me - praying for a healthy pregnancy and healthy son right now - in 10 more weeks or less... would be glad to write to you - and keep in touch with you - having been there and gone through what you did...ok? Take care hon!!!

kameeder - Thursday, 25 Sep
First of all...im not passing judgment on you. From what you said, it sounded to me like you searched for a doctor to do the procedure and that it was hard to find a doctor to even do it. That is why I mentioned an abortion clinic. And then you said in your blog that she had a perfect face and no chromosome problems. Im not trying to make you feel bad...but when someone says 'terminate' i just take that as a nice word for abortion that is why I even questioned that. Im sorry, Im not trying to be mean, or make you feel like shit. My baby could potentially have a genetic problem as well and I don't need a couple days to think about it, I will tell you now I would rather him have a chance even if he did pass away during labor or live to be only 6. I just couldn't be the one responsible for his heart stopping. I dont think I misread your statement...you said.... "I want woman to stop crying and complaining about the small stuff, stop complaining about being pregnant. For woman who lost babies, it really pisses us off because woman who complain do not realize how lucky they are. It’s selfish to cry and complain about having a healthy pregnancy. Take one day at a time, rub your belly, and be thankful" So, when someone who just terminated their pregnancy tells pregnant women not to complain because it's selfish pisses me off that is why i even left a comment in the first place.Im not trying to bully you or leave a rude comment... ANYWAY... So goodluck.

nessa11709 - Thursday, 25 Sep
Kameeder- Ok, let me get one thing straight. I would never ever get an abortion. I have never in my life believed in them. I dont believe in abortions when some woman doesnt want a baby because she was not responsible enough to use protection. That is not the case at all. I would never step foot in an abortion clinic. I am tryin my best not to be pissed off by asking me if I went to an abortion clinic. I went to a doctor who has been in the type of work for over 30 years, I would not terminate the pregnancy because I didnt feel like having the baby. For you to even say that I went into an abortion clinic is the most insulting thing you could say. It was hard to find a doctor to do the procedure, but since it was due to fetal COMPLICATIONS, and let me break that down. That means that I was told that my baby had severe heart defects that my baby might not even make it through labor, and would not live to be a year. My baby had such a bad abdoman condition that she would face several surgeries, and if you read it correctly I said that I would not go through this if that was the only problem. I would sit right next to her bed everynight in the hospital if that was the only problem. There were so many different problems you would not understand. I had about 4 doctors tell me my daughter would not make it, how can you pass judgement on me based on that? If you have been through the same thing I have, then I would understand. But for you to even ask if I went to an abortion clinic like I dont know what I did is crazy and completely disrespectful. And for me saying about complaining woman. I never meant to say that just cause you complain that you dont love your baby. I never once said that. I just said that I want woman to take it, and stop complaining because they dont know how lucky they are. And obviously you fit into the exact people that I am talking about. EIther you twisted my words or completely misunderstood what I said. You need to be grateful that you have your baby and quite complaining about the petty crap. Thats what I meant. It has nothing to do about whether or not you love your baby.
And for future reference, dont ever tell a woman who just lost their 20 week old baby 2 and a half weeks ago that she might have done the wrong thing. You have never been in the type of position so you can not say what you would do. By what you said basically implied that I did the wrong thing. I did what was right for her. Answer me this, if there was 4-5 doctors telling you that your baby would have no life at all, what would you do? Sit and think about that for a couple days, then get back to me. You think about that baby in you now, and hearing the exact words that she would not make it to kindergarden, what would you do? I hope your happy on making me feel like even more shit by letting my daughter go. As if it wasnt hard enough, you want to try and pass judgement on me by what I did cause it was best for her and for her life.

kameeder - Thursday, 25 Sep
What a poor baby, bless her heart! Are you sure that you went to a hospital or was it an abortion clinic? I just find it hard to believe that doctors would abort a baby at 20 wks esp. when they weren't sure what was wrong besides the fact she had the intestine problem (which is treatable with surgery). I'm not trying to sound judgemental because whats done is done... but it just breaks my heart. I can't even imagine seeing my little boy on the ultrasound moving around and knowing I was the one to choose to end his life. Even if he had no arms or legs or even a genetic problem (which he actually might) it wouldn't matter, I just couldn't do it. But thats just ME. Im sorry for you, and I will keep you in my prayers because I know what its like to LOSE a baby (miscarriage) and how painful and empty it feels. But mostly I pray for your baby girl and that she didn't suffer during the procedure. As far as complaining during a healthy pregnancy, I do complain, I complain that my back hurts, or when I puke and can't eat. But that doesn't mean I don't love my baby, or that I would trade feeling better for his life and it kind've makes me mad that you would even say that complaining is selfish... but anyway..goodluck with future pregnancies I really hope they are healthy ones.

babymomma67 - Wednesday, 24 Sep
hey honey...i dont think i even know what to say..i havent been through anything quit that hard so i couldnt possibly understand what you are going through...it just hurts me to know that you are hurting so much. i am so sorry this has happened to you. The only thing i know to say is that this will make you a stronger and better person..and you are right you are an amazing mommy.

there is a girl that i made friends with on this site that had something similar happen to her, she doesnt get on often anymore but maybe it would be nice for you to see that your not alone and im sure she would be more helpful than i could since you two have experienced something so similar...her site is http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/vip/mollieblake2k7

i just wish things were better for you sweetheart...i wish you the very best!!!

~Alicia~ - Wednesday, 24 Sep
Your story was very moving. I could not stop the tears. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad to hear that you might try again someday. Dont give up and I hope God blesses you with a bundle of joy some day soon. Good luck and God Bless. Dont forget to keep in touch.

2nd baby - Wednesday, 24 Sep
it has taken me almost 3 hours to read your story. i keep having to stop because i was crying so much. i can't tell you truly how sorry i am for you and your husband. I don't know what i would have done if i lost my baby girl. you are a stong woman! you have made me think about how i have a good life- and i do need to open my eyes and see what i have! Thank you! There are so many woman here for you if you need anything including myself. ;-)

meecob - Wednesday, 24 Sep
You are going to be an amazing mother and I know that you will be blessed with a healthy baby when the time is right. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system around you in Darryl and his and your mom...and you know you have a support system in all of us - please talk if you need to talk...take care of yourself *sending love and respect to you and your family*

TheMommyOfAngels - Wednesday, 24 Sep
IM NOT SURE Y THINGS HAPPEN THIS WAY...
WHEN I LOST MY KIDS I WAS A RECK AT FIRST...
AND THEN SLOWLY I STARTED TO MOVE ON...

I GOT PREGNANT EXACTLY 6 MONTHS LATER. I GAVE BIRTH NOV 12, 2007 AND GOT PREGNANT MAY 12, 2008

BEING PREGNANT AFTER A LOSS IS SCARIER THAN BEING PREGNANT FOR THE FIRST TIME CUZ U KNOW THE RISKS... U KNOW UR PUTTING ALL UR HEART INTO THIS OTHER BABY AND YOU COULD LOSE IT LIKE THE PREVIOUS ONE...

YOU AND ADRIANNA ARE IN MY PRAYERS...
IM SO SORRY YOU WENT THROUGH THIS.. I WOULDNT WISH THIS ON MY WORST ENEMY...

UR STRONG... AND U KNOW ITS OK IF ONE DAY U JUST CRY

SHIT I DO ALL THE TIME!
ILL BE DRIVING AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I JUST GET SO EMOTIONAL.. N I CANT CONTROL IT.. ( N THATS EVEN WHEN IM NOT PREGNANT! )

I HOPE THINGS GET EASIER FOR U..
N THE NEXT TIME AROUND THINGS WILL BE PERFECT...

XOXO...
-STEPHANIE

wskjc - Wednesday, 24 Sep
i am a young mother who has lost babies and had two healthy babies and I am pregnant with my now third helathy baby as far as we can see, I have a 50 /50 chance of passing a defective gene for Hemophilia, which isnt devastating but it is a long hard life for a little man, my brother and uncle both are hemophiliacs and its not easy. but you are strong and courageous and you are in my thoughts and prayers and i hope you know women like you give strength to others.


mandalyn21 - Wednesday, 24 Sep
Vanessa,
I'm at work and I kept having to stop reading your blog and then a few minutes later start back up again because I was trying so hard not to cry. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did. You are stronger than me because I couldn't have handled any of it mentally. It is people like you that the world draws inspiration from and when you do get your miracle (notice I'm saying WHEN and not IF- because you will get your miracle, Vanessa) we will all be celebrating with you. I wish you nothing but the best of luck for the future and if you feel up to it, give us updates on how you're feeling. Lots of love, Amanda

mommieof4 - Wednesday, 24 Sep
I am so sorry for your loss. Ihave never cried so hard. I just can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I am so sorry.

sickamoaning - Wednesday, 24 Sep
I can hardly breathe. You are awesome and I'm heartbroken for you.

One day Vanessa you and Darryl will get your baby, in the meantime your little miracle is at peace and watching over you.

Love to you and yours xx

sunflowerc - Wednesday, 24 Sep
i am so sorry you had to go trough all this, it was so hard to read throught so i can`t even begin to imagin how you are feeling an have gone throught it all. i wish you all the luck in the world that everthing for you now goes well. sending you a big hug xxxx and when you do become a mum you will be agreat one. take care x

AnGeLaZBaByBoY - Wednesday, 24 Sep
I'm writing on my daughter's page again, this is Angela's mom - and I have been waiting for you to update your page because I wanted to hear from you that you were doing ok. My daughter went through something very similar - she was going to have to terminate her pregnancy too - for the same reasons you said you did - to do the best thing for her daughter - she did the same thing and put her child first - and this does show that you are a very selfless mother - and some day you will have another child - and you will enjoy every second of your pregancy and not take anything for granted - thats what Angela is now doing. She didn't actually plan this pregnancy but all things happen for a reason - and even though she's been on bedrest 6 weeks and will be til the baby is born - this time things are going differently and hopefully she will delivery a healthy baby - and so you will also one day! Writing out things the way you just did took alot of courage and you should be proud of yourself for finding a way to express yourself the way you did - I could feel the love you had for your child from reading your words, and that is something that nobody can ever take away from you - and that will never die. Continue to heal and take time for yourself - and you will now have a special little angel watching over you - and she will take care of you and any future brother/sister that you may have some day for her! Good luck and feel free to write to either me or Angela on her page - either one of us would be more than willing to talk to you - she has been there and nobody knows what it feels like to lose a child unless they have been through it - I too held my first little granddaughter in my arms and was there for my daughter through it all - the hurt will never go away, but you sound very strong, and you will heal.... my thoughts are with you and your boyfriend and all your family at this time....

jbtplusone - Wednesday, 24 Sep
I am so sorry you and your baby had to go thru this.. I cried reading your entire story. I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, so I'll just leave it at that. You are a very strong person and going to be a very.. very good mother one day soon.