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15-9-2008 - IT FINALLY HIT ME... IM SO SCARED

My mood while writing this blog: scared worried

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OK SO I HAVE BEEN PREGNANT FOR ABOUT 8 MONTHS AND ITS NOW THAT I REALIZE THAT IN ABOUT 7 WEEKS I WILL BE A FIRST TIME MOTHER.... I AM SO SCARED. ME AND HUBBY WILL BE DOING DOING THIS BY OURSELFS. WE DONT HAVE A STRONG SUPPORT SYSTEM TO BACK US UP. HIS MOM IS AROUND BUT SHES ALWAYS BUSY WORKING AND BASICALLY HAS HER OWN LIFE. MY MOM ISNT AROUND. MY SISTERS ARE AROUND BUT THEY ALL HAVE KIDS OF THEIR OWN TO BE HELPING ME RAISE MINE.... OH MY.. IM SO WORRIED THAT I WONT BE A GOOD MOTHER THEY SAY ILL KNOW HOW TO BE A MOMTHER AS SOON AS I HOLD MY BABY IN MY ARMS BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT... I KNO I HAVE TO PROTECT AND LOVE HER BUT WILL I KNOW HOW... I WAS NEVER RAISED BY MY MOM AND YET ALONE A FEMALE MOTHER FIGURE. MY WONDERFUL ADOPTIVE DAD WHO IS REALLY MY UNCLE RAISED MY BROTHER AND I; HE DID A GREAT JOB BUT I JUST CANT HELP WONDER THE AFFECTS OF NOT HAVING MY MOTHER AROUND WILL HAVE ON ME RAISING MY OWN DAUGHTER...( MY MOM IS VERY ADDICTED TO DRUGS AND NEVER RAISED MY BROTHERS AND I) I KNOW IT HAS AFFECTED ME WHILE IVE BEEN PREGNANT BECAUSE THIS IS A MOMENT YOU SHARE WITH YOUR MOM. I LOOK AT MY HALF SISTER AND HER MOM AND CANT HELP BUT TO FEEL A LIL JEALOUS. IVE ALWAYS SUFFERED AND FELT CHEATED BY MY MOM NOT BEING THEIR. I REMEMBER GROWING UP AND GOING TO H.S. TELLING MY FRIENDS ALL ABOUT THIS IMAGINARY MOM I HAD AND BASSICALLY LYING TO EVERYONE I FELT ASHAMED OF MY FAMILY STORY OF MY BACKGROUND AND OF MY NATIONALITY. I ALSO REMEBER BEING JEALOUS AT ALL MY FRIENDS FOR HAVING MOMS AND THINKING WHY DIDNT I HAVE A MOM. THREWOUT THIS PREGNANY I HAVE FOUND MYSELF WANTING MY MOTHER MORE THAN EVERR TO TALK TO ABOUT ALL THE GOOD AND BAD EXPERIENCES OF EXECTING A CHILD.IVE ALSO BEEN WANTING MY MOTHER AROUND TO HELP ME WITH THIS DIFFICULT PREGNANCY IVE HAD, MAYBE DROPPING BY ONCE A WEEK TO HELP ME CLEAN OR COOK, I AM SO TIRED OF DOING THESE THINGS I GET TIRED AND FRUSTRATED SO EASILY. I DONT ASK MY HUSBAND TO HELP (EVEN THOUGH SOMETIMES HE DOES HELP WITH WALKING THE DOG BATHING THE DOG AND CLEANING UP AFTER HIM) BECAUSE HE WORKS MIGHTY HARD AT THIS TRUCKING COMPANY AND COMES HOME READY TO FALL ASLEEP SO I DONT BOTHER HIM. SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I DONT THINK WE ARE FINANCIALLY STABLE FOR THIS BABY. RIGHT NOW WE ARE BACKED UP 2 ABOUT TO BE 3 MONTHS ON CABLE AND ELECTRIC BILLS BECAUSE IM NOT CURRENTLY WORKING.... AND ON TOP OF THAT WE HAVE NOTHIN FOR OUR LIL PRINCESS BUT A PAIR OF PJS AND SHOES THAT WERE GIVEN TO US...IMAGINE WHEN THE BABY COMES I DONT THINK MY HUSBAND CAN DO IT BY HIMSELF. IM CRYING RIGHT NOW LADIES IM SO SORRY IM JUST RAMBLING BUT THEIR IS ALOT ON MY MIND... WELL IM BACK LIKE I WAS SAYING I DONT THINK WERE READY IM SO SCARED WILL I BE ABLLE TO DO IT ? BE THE MOTHER I DIDNT HAVE TO THIS LIL ANGEL GROWING WITHIN ME... I PRAY EVERYDAY AND ASK THE LORD ABOVE TO HELP ME... I KNOW THINGS WILL GET BETTERR AND ITS JUST PROBABLY MY HORMONES RAGING OUT OF CONTROL AND THAT IS THE REASON WHY I PROBABLY FEEL LIKE THIS.... WELL IM GOING TO GO DO LAUNDRY TALK TO U LATER THANKS FOR LISTENING....

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6 Comments on IT FINALLY HIT ME... IM SO SCARED


borimami - Friday, 19 Sep
Nena, you will be good, there are so many people truggling and they are getting by with their kids. You will be a great mom too... Everything that you didnt have you will naturally want to give to your baby. Motherhood will take its course... your love is priceless!

XONORA5 - Tuesday, 16 Sep
Oh Nessi...we all go through this when delivery day is almost here, and don't worry...you always find a way to take care and provide for your baby. I felt the same way when I found out we were expecting 2nd one when first was 3 months old! I though I could never handle 2..but I have, maybe not great, but they are well...and you will too. My sister had hers in March and my BIL is in Iraq, so she's had to care for baby, go to work, find day care, and do everything...she's doing fine. Know it is hard, especially financially, but God doesn't give you something you can't handle. Take care and feel free to vent and question anytime. God Bless you Both! :)

tassy - Tuesday, 16 Sep
Ohh dear dont worry at all.. you are going to be a good mother.. infact u are already a very good momma.. jsut read your own profile and see how every single day you have been talking to your baby and loving it and worrying about every small kick and movement it has shown while it is still inside you.. so i can imagine wot a lovely mommy u are going to be after you give birth... cheer up girl and look forward to welcoming the little miracle who is going to change your life for good, with its presence...

kt08dec88 - Monday, 15 Sep
Hey girl... Iknow how you feel... My mom passed when i was 1 1/2 and raised by my dad till i was 9...when he passed. So I have never had a mom either... and i wonder all the time what kind of mother im going to be, since i never had a mom like all my friends do... But i am hopeing what everyone says is right...that your motherly instincts just kick in...because right now i worry that im not going ot be really "motherly"...if that makes any sense... But hopefully it will just kick in...

CatwithKitten - Monday, 15 Sep
Oh Nessi, your mom really is missing out. Not just on you, but on your baby. I think you are having a hormonal overload! You have a lot of valid worries and I think they are compounded by your emotional state. I wish I could help you but I think you guys will figure out a way to make it all work, everything - the cable bill, the baby's clothes, one grandma. I have confidence in you. Try not to let yourself get overwhelmed with everything at once. Just tackle one problem at a time. Talk to your man about your worries, he may have solutions too. If nothing else, maybe he can be sympathetic. You are both tired and worried, do it together.

TheMommyOfAngels - Monday, 15 Sep
relax!

first off you will be fine.
dont worry.
things have a way of working themselves out.

your mom missing out on your life is her loss girl.
focus on ur daughter. dont let her feel the way you did. and things will be fine...

my mother can be the greatest but she can also be the worst... if i dont make her happy, she turns into my worst enemy...

take it slow and you'll be fine

Goodluck
n keep me posted