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29-9-2008 - Exhausted but OK...

My mood while writing this blog: weary

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Well, things are a little bit better I suppose... My doctor prescribed anti-depressants so I am taking those now, as well as the pill, vitamin tablets, omega 3, iron, etc etc. I hate taking the anti-depressants because I was on the on and off for years when I was a teenager, for depression and anorexia, and I swore I wouldn't take them again. I want to be able to fight it myself, but I suppose when you are exhausted you just don't have the extra resources to keep yourself sane and rational... The babies are fantastic, so much fun and so much joy: Liadan just sits there making AS MUCH NOISE AS POSSIBLE!!! She has the loudest voice I have ever heard on any child, let alone a 5-month-old baby! She makes as much noise as she can on the in-breath as well as the out-breath, and blows raspberries which causes dribble and bubbles to run down her chin onto whatever clothes she's wearing. She is a character, 100%. I keep saying she gets it from the McKinney side, but really I know she gets it from me! She is mad like her mother. We have to shout over her sometimes so that we can hear each other talk. Louis, however, has a softer voice, and is learning to blow raspberries too, and makes noise when Liadan is asleep, when he can get a word in! He is a very gentle, loving little boy, a cuddly little chap. He is skinny compared to Liadan. She is a chubby chunkers! That's what I call her. She has thunder-thighs, whereas Louis is skinnier and is all go, kicking his right leg till the cows come home. They are learning to turn over and they love looking at each other and holding hands on the play-mat. I love when they first wake up from a nap and have rosy-red cheeks and are still all floppy with sleep. They are so cuddly. No matter what I am going through in my own head, I always have smiles and love for them, I always try my best to give them a good time and to make them feel secure and happy. I can't wait till they're sitting up and playing with each other more. My mother told me, before I had them, that being a mother means you always feel guilty -- and always will. She is right; I was feeling guilty from day one, for not doing this right, or that right, or not doing enough, or being too selfish, or too unprepared, or too negative, or for not being someone else entirely -- a better mother, someone better-equipped, someone who was ready to have children, with a house of my own and an established 'life'. Mum says everything will come together, everything will fall into place, but I know that isn't true; we have to make it happen. I know I am not the best mother, and I know I'll always feel guilty for making the wrong decisions or doing the wrong things -- stopping breastfeeding early, being too stressed out and not going with my instincts, not making enough of an effort, etc -- but I can still try my best to make our home a happy one, and bring my children up as best as I can manage. And at least I will be able to explain to them where I went wrong! Anyway, Louis is not happy right now, have to go.

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3 Comments on Exhausted but OK...


babystanton - Tuesday, 28 Oct
I loved reading your latest blog. I'm so glad that the babies are doing so well. I think of you all often. I love that Drew is blowing rasberries too. He's really teething too. I must do100 loads of laundry every day. LOL
Much love and kisses to you and the babas!

lindsay j p - Tuesday, 30 Sep
You know what you are a kick ass mom! I say that because any mother that is admitting their weeknesses and trying to do better and willing to say they are not perfect means you know what you are doing. I feel that way everyday of my life ecspecially with my 7 yr old. You will always have good days and always have bad days as long as on your bad days you remember you do have good days you can get through anything. The twins get way easier and ALOT more fun when they can move. Always happy to hear from you

ambrielles mommy - Monday, 29 Sep
Hey girl, you seem to be doing a bit better. I was reading your blog and I know what you mean abou the guilt thing. As they get older you won't feel quite as much guilt or atleast I don't. I'm soo much more content being her mommy than i used to be. I mean I was always worrying when she was little if she was bored etc. Now that she's getting more independent it takes A LOT of the stress off of us mommies or mummies :) What kind of meds did they put you on? I'm taking Celexa, which is like lexapro.