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21-8-2008 - Who am I? I can't remember...

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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Well it has been so hectic I don't get the chance to be on this website at all any more... I love our babies like mad but I just am so depressed... I feel like I just don't know who I am any more. I don't do any of the things I used to think defined me as a person, and I feel so strange. My body disgusts me, it is NOT my body. For months people who've seen me have said, "Oh you've got your figure back!" and I just say, "This is NOT my figure." With clothes on, you would not know I've had babies, but without them, I am just disgusting. My belly has no muscle tone and is covered in unsightly stretchmarks. My breasts are so much different from what they were before, since I stopped breastfeeding. I thought they'd just go back to what they were but they haven't and it is so depressing. I wear a bra the whole time (even at night) because I can't bear them. They're really soft, they've lost their firmness. Other than that I am normal but it is just so depressing, I just don't feel young any more and I don't feel sexy. My boyfriend is so wonderful and tries to make me feel better and when he wants me I just can't understand why, and I end up really annoying him because I keep on saying, "I don't know how you could fancy me..." etc... I can't just be naked with him and feel sexy. I just feel awful and end up wishing and wishing I had my old body back. I used to have a nice body (but back then, of course I did not appreciate it because I had all the usual hang-ups, but now I look back and think, god I shouldn't have worried I should have just enjoyed having an OK body...) I know it probably sounds vain and selfish, but I just feel I've lost so much of what I was. I was a headstrong girl, very sexual, quite fit, with an all-right body, and with lots of interests and plans for the future, and with opinions. From not doing anything all day except looking after my two babies, I have become wishy-washy, weak-minded (as in I'll give in to what other people want to do or agree with them so easily just and I can't make decisions), depressed, and obsessed with my body and with being unable to accept the changes it has undergone. I feel like a completely different person and I am so sad and lost. I know how lucky I am: I have to beautiful babies and a beautiful gorgeous man who loves me and has stuck with me through everything and who tells me ten times a day how much he loves me -- I tell myself this every day trying to make myself stop being so down, trying to tell myself how damn lucky I am, and I do not take all this for granted, it's just that I can't help still feeling so depressed and every day -- at some stage or another -- I gulp back tears. I am tired of feeling like this diluted version of myself, this shadow who loves her new family but cannot reconcile her old self with this new person she has to be. I feel like my body has been through the wars, and also I have a big ugly scar (amongst all the stretchmarks) because I had a caesarean, and I also feel emotionally scarred because of having missed out on the labour experience, the experience of giving birth to my babies. As a result of having had to have the caesarean, I feel completely detached from the experience of my children coming into the world. I feel like I went through that whole pregnancy, and then just... stop. There was no... process at the end, there was no labour, no finally bringing them out. A curtain was put up to block my sight from what was happening, and that is how I feel now: there was a curtain between me and the bringing of my babies into the world. I was not part of that, and it does hurt, it does stay with me, and it does affect me. I can't believe people would choose caesarean over the natural thing. My mother says, "Oh Niamh you should be glad you missed out on labour, it was the most horrific thing I've ever been through," and I am sure it was, but I would rather have gone through it and been part of my babies birth, than have these feelings of detachment from the whole experience...

Anyway, I know I am ranting but this is the first time I've written anything down really about how I've been feeling, and as you can probably see from my pregnancy blogs, I used to be the kind of person who wrote everything down; it was how I processed thoughts, it was how I really knew what I thought. I suppose I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling because it's weighing down on me, and I'm tired of it. I never was the happiest of people, I used to suffer from Anorexia for years, and depression etc. I have never really shaken depression and sometimes it's just worse than others. In a world in which we are all bombarded by images of the perfect body constantly, it is hard to feel happy with my scarred, stretched disgusting body which has been so changed so quickly. Maybe a lot of you can relate to me, or maybe you'll think I'm being obsessive and vain and selfish. But I just needed to write this down. I am so lonely here.

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6 Comments on Who am I? I can't remember...


JessH - Sunday, 21 Sep
Hey girly :) How are you feeling? things going any better? I never mentioned this after I had the twins I was depressed also. Ive been taking zoloft since they were 1 month old and it helped tremendously. You have twice the hormones, your twice as tired, your more susceptible. I hope your family has been helpful and that you are finding coping methods that work well for you. Its tough with all these changes! My body doesnt look the same either so its not just you! I just try to change the way I think of it -- God matured me and made me a mommy! I cant be that same sexy single gal -- nobodys mother looks like that! LOL I know you dont have much time, but if you have any questions or I can do/say anything to help plz let me know!! xo Jess

booyoung - Tuesday, 2 Sep
Niamh--Want to send you a hug-I will write you tomorrow. Do tell your doc how you are feeling though--You need some meds girl!!! They help a lot. Anyway-=I will write you tomorrow. Lots of love to you-Karen

AmyJ - Monday, 1 Sep
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all the post-partum issues. I know you are not alone and hopefully it gets better with time. I wish I could relate, but my body was never "OK". I've always been larger so my body is not a shock. Although I am 42 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight I still can't fit into my old clothes right. My shirts are shorter than when
I was 42 pounds heavier. It is crazy. Everything shifts.
I enjoy jogging and when I lose another 25 pounds I will start again. It is a huge stress reliever for me. You put on your headphones and you hear music instead of crying babies!! I've completed 4 1/2 marathons and even though I am still huge it makes me feel better about myself. It is something that I train for and even though all my friends are VERY skinny, they can't imagine jogging 13 miles without stopping.
I tease my 9 year old son that the twins ruined my body and he tells me that I never had one. He does see pics of me prior to having him and so he has mentioned that it his fault I am big. I tell him that it is not his fault. I don't have much advice but maybe picking a goal and working towards it. Excercise can make you feel better about yourself. Maybe you can plan a reward for yourself each time you reach a goal. I make my goals small so they seem attainable. It helps if you have friends that do it with you as a support group. Let me know how you are doing.
xxAmyxxx

lindsay j p - Wednesday, 27 Aug
I will write more when I have more time becaus my daughter just erased everything I wrote you. But I completly understand everything you are saying.

ambrielles mommy - Friday, 22 Aug
WOw I'm soo sorry to hear you are goign through depression. I still am going through it as well but I'm taking medication which helps out a ton! Anyhow you 100% just sound completely depressed and I think you should seek help. I called my dr's office who delivered the baby and told them how i was feeling which was very similar to you and they put me on a low dose anti depressant. I am very self concious about my body also. My boobs look awful, my stomach still has a ton of fat and strecch marks. See atleast you lost the weight, see I havne't lost much weight at all and it gets me really sad. I know I'm the only one who can do something but it seems the more depressed and the more obstacles that come up in my life make me want to eat more and more. Anyhow I know what you mean, I was having all these emotions that were not me. I knew i needed help. Have you ever thought of speaking with a professional and maybe taking some medication until your feeling a bit better? I don't know how you feel about that, a lot of people don't want to take something. All i know is when I started taking my meds the only diff I could tell was that I wasn't sooo sad all the time was able to actually live life! your babies are still very young, this stage will pass and you'll enjoy everything a lot more in a couple of months. It gets better. Now granted I don't have the stress of two babies but I can only imagine how cute they'll be playing and walking around together!! Good luck sweetie!

07babe - Friday, 22 Aug
girl i understand what your saying but I hate my body too sometimes but just think, you'll get it back if you work for it, Ive lost my more weight in places i didnt think id lose it in such as my breast,hips, thighs and my belly i still have to get it back in shape but when savannahs crawling im sure itd get back into shape in no time lol.. anyways if your really depressed get on medication like me it really does help!! i cant fully understand all your depression since im not completely there but i do understand your sititation and thinking of ur feelings, you'll have ur body back soon!! =]