13-3-2010 - Being Positive, Trying Again

My mood while writing this blog: okay

Well, here I am again. Chat and I have made it through the hardest parts of losing our baby, and we are okay to go ahead and try again after I get my first period after the miscarriage. I didn't get an 'answer' as far as why it happened - no information from pathology to indicate a problem, my blood work came back fine. Granted, pathology doesn't do genetic testing til like the third miscarriage, so I figured I wasn't going to get any info from their testing. I can only move forward from this point, so that is what we are going to do. We'll always love our baby #2. But I don't cry now thinking about it or talking about it. I am not angry now. And now I have moved past the jealousy as well. I am sure there will still be moments when I feel like I got cheated and that it's not fair, but we'll move forward and it will be okay!

So, in the mean time, I have been trying to be positive and find the bright side of NOT being pregnant, because whether I choose to be positive or negative, the fact is that I am no longer pregnant and nothing is going to change that right now. I have decided to get a tan! I'll only be tanning for these few weeks before we start TTC again, but already I can tell a difference and feel better about having some color! Enjoy it while it lasts, since I pray that I will get pregnant ASAP when we start TTC! I am thinking about getting my teeth whitened again too before TTC. And last but not least, a pedicure, and maybe I will get my hair cut and possibly get some highlights. Just pampering myself some! I deserve it! After the whole miscarriage ordeal, I am finding it helpful to give myself a little more attention. There at first I questioned everything I did while pregnant, still thinking that somehow it was something I did that made me lose my baby. Of course, these things just happen sometime and I didn't cause it by lifting Chathum, or being too stressed, or eating in a breakroom across from the Xray tech. Still, I think every mother out there who has gone through it will always wonder "if I had done something different".

So, I am not too sure on the whole time line of when to expect my period. My doc said to expect it in 4 to 6 weeks after the miscarriage - but did she mean from the date I started spotting? The date the miscarriage actually happened? Or the date I stopped bleeding? Right now it has been 2 1/2 weeks since I started spotting, 2 weeks since the miscarriage, and just 4 days since I stopped bleeding. So I have no clue! LOL! We'll see I suppose. My OB is so supportive and reassuring and I just love her to death! Should we happen to get pregnant again right away like we hope for, she said she would do anything to help us feel more comfortable. If we want early scans, if we want extra visits, just let her know. I will NOT be going for early scans however - since in my case we saw the baby at 7 weeks and 7 weeks 2 days - both times with a heartbeat, both times the baby was growing on schedule. So for me an early scan wouldn't be reassuring, because it didn't really mean anything as far as my second pregnant went. I still lost the baby, and not even 48 hours after my 2nd ultrasound. So, we'll probably wait until 10 or 12 weeks before going in for an ultrasound the next time.

Chathum is doing so good! Though he definitely seems to have started his terrible 2s early! His new thing is saying "Let Go". He hates when we try to take something from him or close a door he wants open, or even put up a baby gate! He's so rotten, LOL! But so sweet too! He LOVES Yo Gabba Gabba, and says each of their names during the theme song and dances with his hands in the air. And he knows happy and sad faces, and when he says 'sad' it is THE SWEETEST thing ever! I love him to pieces!!