10-8-2008 - Emotional Outburst

My mood while writing this blog: angry

Okay I rarely ever write about personal stories but here we go. Before I became pregnant I was a very quite girl and let people walk all over me. I was wayyyy too nice. Well now that I am pregnant i've been way out of control!

EXAMPLE#1) My boyfriend has this dog which is a lab/pitt and I absolutly hate this dog. He is about 6 years old now and still pee's/poop in the house and IM the one who has to clean it up. So aggrevating. He sheds everywhere and I swear that i clean the sheets almost every day because I hate Dog Hair. BiGGEST Pet Peeve. PLUS he was always an outside dog, but ever since we got this new house, my boyfriend HASSS to have this dog stay with us.When he could actually just live with his parents OUTSIDE like he always has. well I got onto my boyfriend about it one night telling him that his dog has to go back to his parents house. && he kept saying "no" and giving excuses. I literally attacked him with anger. His lip was cut open, a huge scratch on his neck and i literally tore him up just beating him because i was so angry. This scares me. I dont know what got into me. I've never been like this to anyone. i mean ive never even got into a fight in my life. But every time he would hold me back i attacked him even more, to the point where he was crying. I felt so bad but i was just so angry. i have NO IDEA what got into me.

EXAMPLE #2) I was on my lunch break at work and i have 30 MIN to drive to mcdonalds and back (which is like exactly 20 min round trip) well i was in the drive through and this lady was in front of me who had to pull up because her food wasnt ready yet. well i had already gotten my food but couldnt get out because her car was wayyy too close and i would have hit it. So i beeped my horn && she threw her arms up like "what the hell am i supposed to do" so i sat there for like a min straight with my hand on the horn. finally she moved up like an inch and i got to get out of the fucking drive through. i drove up next to her and literally cussed her out. this is something i normally would never do TO ANYONE. im like the biggest pussy. but i sat there and just went off on her it was horrible.

EXAMPLE #3) I have never been able to stand up to my Father. He is my landlord, my boss at one of my jobs, my boyfriends boss and my dad. he controlls pretty much ALL of my life and he takes advantage of it way to much. I rarely ever ask to borrow money from him but i came to a point where i really had no choice. so i borrowed $650.00 from him which i told him i would pay him back on the 15th .but no. he couldnt wait till then because hes "broke" (which he makes like $$$9485739475938475 a year) so since i borrowed the money hes taken all of mine and my boyfriends paychecks and we literally been stressing because we currently live paycheck to paycheck trying to get rid of our debt. And he is taking our paychecks til rent is paid which is 1200 too. well i called him and bitched him out today. which ive never even RAISED MY VOICE to my father. If he would have just let me paid him back on the 15th (which i started up my old job and that was when i got my first paycheck from them) then i would have been fine. I just cannot believe i bitched out my dad.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?????? I think i need to see a counselor or something. i dont know, i dont want anyone to believe im a threat or that i could be aggressive with my child but this is NOT ME AT ALL. im afraid if i talk to anyone they will take my kid away. what do i do?? should i tell my doctor??