Members

As a member you'll be able to receive and send messages, keep your own photobook, agenda, ask questions, participate in the chat, and make new friends. All is free and you don't need email.
Sign up (free & anonymous)

Name: Password:

---

Activity
• Now online | Member search | New members | Comment Spy
• New blogs & Questions | Recently updated profiles
• New photos: Pregnancy | Babies | Bellies | Ultrasound | Member pages
• Latest comments: Forums | Week by week | Baby development

Write a new blog

---

21-7-2009 - Starting to realize...

My mood while writing this blog: lost

---

You know what hurts me... more than any physical ailment... more than any spiritual one? The future hurts me. A deep aching hurt. It just hurts me to know that my son will never have the opportunities that others do. He'll never be able to go to Disney for a family vacation, probably will never see a beach, will always have to wear hand me down, or goodwill clothes... That hurts. As a parent, I know I should be happy that he's going to be healthy and loved, but it doesn't. It hurts me to know that my child, the one I wanted so badly, will never be like other kids. He'll probably always be in the system: food stamps, welfare, medical card. And none of it's his fault. It's ours as parents. We try so hard, so hard to provide for him... and all I can do is sit and watch it all collapse around me. I get hand outs from people... which makes me so ashamed and sad... but I know we need them. We get medical assistance from the state... which pains me because I know we should be able to get that ourselves... (I can only hope for universal health care, so those of us who truly need help can get treatment without having to fear going bankrupt because of hospital bills.) I know there are more important things in life... but it just hurts me that my baby will never have a normal childhood... like other kids. I sit here, college educated, proud of my degree... and nothing to show for it but that pride and a piece of paper. My family must be so sick of me being in these situations. Sick of me always needing help. I even promised... after I left Kurt, that I'd never allow my life to spiral out like that again. Now look. The only difference is who I'm with. I'm with a great guy... but we just struggle so much. So hard. I just want my son to have a good life. To have everything he needs... not for us to have to choose between buying diapers and food, or if we should pay the utilities... I hurt. I ache. And often i wonder if we should have given him up for adoption... so he could have a better life. Lord knows he deserves better than this. I'm sorry Vincent. Mommy is so sorry she is dragging you into all of this. I want to be able to promise to make it all better one day... but I can't do that unless I believe it myself. People just don't understand unless they've been in this type of situation. I do promise, though, Vinny, that your mom and dad will always love you and love each other. Even if we are in the dark or living in the car. I promise that. I hate that I can't even provide for him before he gets here. Scrapping by isn't doing it anymore... Please God... there has to be something we can do. We can't depend on my family... they shouldn't have to support us. We should be able to pull ourselves out of this... but I really don't know how anymore. I've reached that end point where there are no more straws to pull at. I need a miracle. Not just for me, but for my son.

---

3 Comments on Starting to realize...


kbfulloffaith - Wednesday, 22 Jul
Hang in there. Life has an amazing way of turning around. We have all been there, right out of school, no promising jobs in sight...you learn to take the not so promising to make ends meet, and that makes you proud because you are providing for yourself and your family. Don't ever be ashamed of yourself or the hard work you do to keep your child safe warm and fed. Chin up lady! It will turn out.

Lis-Lis - Wednesday, 22 Jul
The most important thing you can give a child is loving home and that it will certainly have. I'm sure you're hard work will pay off soon.
I only started my degree last year and now have to take a year off. The Dad is an unemployed (fully qualified) plasterer but has no work due to the recession here in Ireland and both my parents are over 60!!
But we will survive and I believe that because of many of the things I didn't have growing up, (My parents had little education and worked min wage jobs all their lives) I am a better and more caring person. My degree is in Applied Social Studies in Social Care because I wanto to work with people who are less fortunate in society.
Those who get everything easily are often the least satisfied and are certainly less appreciative of what they have!!
Don't feel inadequate for a moment!! You will be a fantastic family!!!

Brooklyn82 - Tuesday, 21 Jul
I read this and my heart really went out to you. I hope things work out, but you have to know that anything is possible. You can make things work, you just have to try hard enough. And, not saying you don't ... I'd never be judgemental like that, but don't settle for meidocrity. I totally understand what it's like to be college educated and just have that "pride and piece of paper", and still feel like you don't have anything to look forward to. I've been there, at there are still times when I am there, but you have to do WHATEVER it takes for your child. You can love him or her all you want or can, but if you want to make a life for them better than what you had, you do whatever it takes. I hope you find some relief somewhere soon and know that you just have to have faith and you cannot fail. I know its easier much said than done, but at some point, you'll be cut a break. You may not know when it will be, or how it will happen, but it will. Hang in there, lady ... regardless, you don't need materialistic things to raise a child the proper way. But you need good, postive, supportive parents ... who love each other and will do whatever it takes to make sure that their child is number one. I don't think you'll have a problem doing that :o)