21-4-2008 - Update

My mood while writing this blog: devastated

At just 18 weeks, I delivered Jessie Anne early Thursday morning (April 17) at 3.02am. She weighed 220gms and had the most perfect little pouting lips and teeny perfectly formed hands and feet. I am so surprised that I was able to see pass the red skin and bruising from the delivery to see our lovely little girl. I am still amazed at how every time my husband passed her by, he would say “Hello Beautiful!”

Jessie never left our side in the hospital and she won’t need to ever again as we have decided to bury Jessie at home. I dreaded so much about leaving her at the hospital but didnt need to leave her at the hospital afterall!!!!
We have a lovely place picked out for her where you can see the hills and hear all the wild birds singing. We will plant a special garden for her. We are burying Jessie tomorrow – just my husband and I.

Next weekend we are having a ceremony with all of the kids (and just a few family and friends). They will each release a helium filled white balloon with a small message attached to the ribbon. Our kids all wrote letters to Jessie to place inside her coffin – truly heartbreaking to read.. They were looking forward to her birth more than I thought.

This plan is very different to what I first thought I would do - We were going to have her cremated so that we could keep her ashes with us. Deciding to take her home with us just feels so right. Now we can have her with us ALL of the time.

And if we move, she is coming with us!

My heart is breaking and it is hard to believe that there may be sunnier days ahead for me though I am still hoping that one day I will enjoy the warmth of the sun and the sweet sound of birds singing in the trees - one day.

Sleep my beautiful baby girl, sweet dreams for you forever, love Mummy XXX