04-6-2008 - Starting Over

My mood while writing this blog: hopeful but still scared for the future

Well AF has been and gone with almost no fuss at all. I guess everything is on its way back to normal (although I dont feel as if I will ever be the same again....)

We have decided that we will try again for another child. I have discovered that some people have decided that I am not worthy of conversation so I am guessing that they (you know who you are) will also not think that I am worthy of another child either but guess what, I am! I struggled with my decision to deliver my baby early, I STILL struggle with my decision but it is done. I do not want to bring my child into the world with serious health and mental problems, just like EVERYONE. NO ONE wants an unhealthy child and I am no different. I would like to have a beautiful , healthy happy child , JUST LIKE EVERYONE DOES.

So we will start again.

PS. EVERY SINGLE DAY I CRY FOR MY JESSIE. I MISS HER!!! I HATE KNOWING THAT SHE SHOULD BE GROWING AND KICKING AROUND INSIDE OF ME!!!! A HORRIBLE TWIST OF NATURE TOOK MY BABY FROM ME. YES I HAD A HAND IN HER EARLY DEMISE BUT REMEMBER SHE WAS STRUGGLING, HER LITTLE HEART WAS NOT RIGHT AND THERE WAS NO WAY OF KNOWING JUST HOW MUCH OF A STRUGGLE HER LIFE WOULD BE.... IT WAS A VERY HARD DECISION TO COME TO. OH, AND IF YOU THINK THAT I NEED TO BE PUNISHED FOR MY PART? I AM , EVERY DAMN DAY!!!! I DONT GET TO LOOK INTO JESSIE'S EYES AS I HOLD HER CLOSE. I DONT GET TO FEEL JESSIE'S BREATH ON MY CHEEK AS I KISS HER GOODNIGHT. I DONT GET TO SEE JESSIE'S TINY FINGERS WRAP AROUND THE CUDDLY PUPPY THAT I BOUGHT HER. I DONT GET TO STAND PROUDLY BESIDE JESSIE'S CRADLE AND SAY "LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL" !!!!! YES, I AM PUNISHED EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY THAT MY BELLY LIES EMPTY. IT IS NOT FAIR!!! IT IS NOT FAIR!!!

Eyes full of tears, my heart heavy and my arms empty, I sit and wonder where my angel is tonight. Does she miss me? Does she forgive me? Does she love me?

I dont know...