15-12-2008 - what will the result be?

My mood while writing this blog: sick and sooo tired!

so now I sit here wondering...could this be it? could I be pregnant? my body aches, I have peed more times in the last couple of days than I can count (including several times at night!) I am sooo gassy and bloated! Or am I simply sick? do I simply have the lurgy?

so now I still have to wait one more day before I can check.. tomorrow morning is our time. tomorrow morning I will find out whether this is a nasty lurgy or a pregnancy.

on one hand I am terrified. I was so very sick with Jonathan...5 months of not being able to do anything, 5 months of sick leave, of spotting, cramping, worrying, and if I am pregnant now...will it be the same? will I be soo sick I have to go to the doctor every week? will I be soo sick that I won't be able to do anything again?

or will I have normal morning sickness this time.. sick once or twice a day for 3 months and lallala all done! in the positive column if I do have Hyperemeses Gravadorium then I might do what I did the last time and lose a bunch of weight... I lost 15 pounds in the first 7 weeks last time. lol

and then there are my fears.. I am scared of doing the test and finding out I am not pregnant, I am scared of being pregnant in case it all goes wrong again, I am scared of being soo sick again, and I am scared of not being pregnant for xmas and Jonathans due date.

last night I held and cuddled my friends baby who was due just before jonathan...I hadn't seen her before as I had avoided the pain the thought of her brought to me....she is a beautiful baby. and though I have held other babies since I lost Jonathan I still felt so very emotional around little May. but she was beautiful and as I held her I just knew with all of my being that I needed that for myself. I need to feel that I can fulfill the role of mother...to prove to myself that my body is able to do that.. that my body can really make a healthy baby.... I need that ego boost...

anyways I am ranting and babbling (its the exhaustion!) I will stop thinking about it and take my test tomorrow and see what it has to offer up... and then I will move forward accordingly...one step at a time.

but OOOH pleeease let it be a BFP and ooooooohhhh Palllllleeeeeeeaaasssseee don't let me have HG again!