16-12-2008 - But we tried so hard!

My mood while writing this blog: Disheartened and still sick

so how do I feel.. well when I told Jon he asked me if I was disappointed and I cried. I was just so hoping that I would get this. i just really didn't want to face Jonathans due date without a new brother or sister for him.. I really wanted to be able to celebrate christmas knowing that part of that hole that is inside me was filled.

so now I sit here and have a few options. I accept that I am not pregnant and focus my energies on other things..or I still cling to the hope that the early response test was just to early.. that if I wait my af just won't come and that on the weekend I will be getting bfp's

I am lucky on one hand because my cycles are so short 25 days is nothing compared to what some of the ladies on here are having. I have to remind myself that we have only been trying for 3 months... that is nothing compared to those who have tried for more. I sometimes wish I could go back in time and let this experience be an accident again. oops!! we are pregnant! no trying no counting no monitoring just ooops.

Last night I dreamt I was in a job interview in an apartment and the people there had a little baby boy. and he was playing near a heat vent in the floor and he fell in and I couldn't grab him I just brushed his little sleeper with my fingers and he fell straight down this hole. I could see him hanging on way down a few stories and so I started trying to get the people to help me. and finally when help arrived I took them to where I thought he would be but then my dream changed and I was taking care of squirrel monkeys.. they were awfully cute and sweet. and as I rocked one of them in my arms a woman who was working there let go of her stroller and it went flying into this garage..I couldn't see what happened in the garage but when she came out she didn't have her baby and she was covered in blood.. she came and spoke to me and then went back in to get her little girl. she came out again and all was fine. i then put the monkey away and locked up the zoo for the night.. though someone had forgotten to herd the Giraffes out of the parking lot.

and that is only a part of what I dreamt last night..lol

well there is not much more to say. I will keep my hopes up and I will wish so badly for everyone else to get their christmas Babies.

good luck everyone, lots of sticky baby dust.