17-12-2008 - a break through

My mood while writing this blog: exhausted, sick and determined

so I definitely have a virus, it has been with me for a week and hit me super hard yesterday. and at first I was really sad because if it is a virus that means I am not going to be pregnant for christmas. AF is due tomorrow so I am on the lookout for her. (hoping she doesn't arrive but accepting the fact that she might).

I have been doing alot of thinking lately about where I am in life and what I am doing, about the loss of Jonathan and about everything else that seemed to jump to the forefront of my brain by this experience. I am no longer worried about how christmas will be. as I have decided to focus on doing some fun kinds of things that will make me feel a bit more festive. and I realised something last night.

I am no longer scared of the dark at all. after I lost Jonathan and suffered with nightmares and hallucinations and panic attacks I couldn't be in the dark. I had waking nightmares and flashing images. then I desensitized myself a bit and wasn't completely afraid of it, I could have it dark if Jon was in the room but on my own I preferred to have a light on and I could still scare really easily. well last night I lay in my pitch black room and did not feel fear. I felt comfort. ..now i have not felt comfort in the dark throughout my entire life (since a traumatic childhood experience that left me outside in the forest part of my backyard, late at night alone and where I was confronted by what in my childs eye was a monster, but that I now know was an escaped convict.. he simply whispered for me to go away but I was startled and terrified so very deeply that I hadn't slept with all of the lights out until I met Jon..)

its like I am breathing a new life into what was formerly mine. Discovering that I can truly overcome my fears and worries. I am excited for when I can wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and not see the harsh judgement I put on myself, but see me.. just me how I am.. full of knowledge and prepared to live and experience life.

anyways I am babbling! and must go and prepare for a full on day of work.