08-1-2009 - seeing results in my mind

My mood while writing this blog: feelin good

I had no idea when I decided to lose some weight that I would take the path I have chosen towards this goal but today with improvements in my behavior and my weight and my self image I have to admit it was the right one for me.

I had made a plan to get fit, to lose weight to be thin and healthy so that I could have a healthy baby. and as soon as I made that choice I found myself bingeing and it was harder than ever to go to the gym. there was this HUGE invisible wall stopping me so i was forced to sit back and wonder why.

I know that I emotionally eat so I started doing some experiments on myself. I started keeping a log several ago monitoring how I felt throughout the day and what stimulus's were effecting my mood. I discovered I could catagorise my negative feelings into a group. These were feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, self hate, feeling overwhelmed, depression and self doubt.

I then bundled all the positive feelings into a separate group Happiness, excitement, confidence, self love, appreciation, pride, calm, fulfillment, warm fuzzies, and contentment.

I then monitored when these feelings hit me, where was I? what was I thinking? Was the trigger a physical object or a memory?

and I discovered that food, clothing, and the hospital where I lost Jonathan all fed me negative thoughts and stories, talking to others about my experience, singing, exercise, group activities and music fed me positive feelings.

so once I did that i started playing my feelings around a bit. when I ate I would do so whilst remembering a hapy experience, or listening to music that really moves me. when I tried to figure out what clothes to wear I told myself stories of how once upon a time there was a girl who didn't fit into her clothes and always at the end of the story the girl would fit them beautifully. and when I went t to the hospital for my therapy this week I listened to music and sang to it on the walk there and the music still resonated in me whilst I was inside.

well it sounds really whacky and crazy but by doing these things and by eating really slowly and conciously I have lost 4 pounds this week. far more than I had aimed for! also I have not planned my workouts and have been to the gym 2 times the pool once and done a lap round the park as well and also did some active Wii'ing. I have not felt like this before in my entire life!

Oh and the best part, I haven't binged in 2 days. (I know its not that long but its like a battle to me I have won 2 days of battles and am still facing the war!)

today i feel truly calm. more so than ever before. I accept my food issues and I accept that I am beautiful, I accept my sadness in the loss of my son. and I now know that I can be good and kind to myself and still mourn for him. I do not have to drive myself into the dirt to mourn him properly. in fact with more energy and more self love I will probably morn him even better.