16-1-2009 - getting healthy entry number 3

My mood while writing this blog: swinging from the barrel bottom to the rafters

so I am not going to do my measurements till next week so that I don't get disheartened but I can report another pound lost!

I have been swimming a bit but not enough to reach my goal yet so I will be increasing my workouts next week.

I have also decided that I will not beat myself up for not going to the gym enough this week. This week was an emotional work out and that is just enough for me! It's just as exhausting! so I shall say that I am happy with my work this week!

I did go running in the park and it was sooo nice! ( I only ran on the grass so as not to destroy my poor little knees) but I did run for about 3 minutes without stopping so there is some improvement there!

food update ...

this week I continued asking myself why I eat emotionally and went on an investigation back in time to discover where it started. now I can remember when I was six, my father telling me to suck in my stomach because if i didn't I would be fat and ugly when I was older, I remembered my first diet at 8 years old whilst at my dads for the summer because when I arrived he exclaimed over my thin sister and then commented about how beautiful she was and sort of just brushed over me. and I was informed by my sister this week that when I was a child my father would buy my sister a chocolate bar or ice cream but would not give me one and would not let her share it with me. from my mother I remember having not one ounce of sugary or naughty food in the house and then on fridays we would have a junk food day where we would binge on everything she would bring home (pizza, cookies, chocolate you name it we ate it all in one sitting!)...

then I added to that the deaths of my grandparents, step mother, aunts, uncles, animals, friends and then my child...

then I mixed in the bullying I received as a child, moving 17 times by the time I was 18, having 2 parents who suffered from depression, alcoholism of my grandparents, aunt and cousins, my having male pattern facial hair whilst growing up, and then all of the experiences that happen in and around those things.

so I took a big deep breath and realised that if I want to truly conquer my emotional eating I have to firstly confront and forgive my father, and understand that my parents were ill and did not always make the best choices but that they love me and had good intentions. I must continue to work on my grief for those lost to me, I must know that I am ok and I am in control of my life now, I have removed the negative elements and am successfully working towards a positive and educated life. and I have to continue my journey to loving myself. and most of all I must forgive myself for being who I am right now because it is clear to me now that growing up I didn't have time to work on my image I was just trying to survive.

I am amazed that I have spent 33 years of my life thinking that a diet or a health kick would fix all my weight problems and now to discover that it is as simple as working through my mind it makes me releived and also angry that I didn't do this years and years ago!

so how am I doing when it comes to emotionally eating?

well, I still have not craved chocolate! or eaten it !!! ..ok yesterday I wanted some Hotel Chocolate but instead of running to the shop and eating emotionally I filled my bodies need for a serotonin release with upbeat music ( I think it was the Muppets that really did it for me this time..lol) and after few songs I felt that I was really feeling good and didn't have an urge to eat anything so went and got a blankey and snuggled on the couch instead!

so to summarize this week I am still proud of my successes and am still working on winning the mental battle.

and thats my 59 cents! (sorry guys this is sort of becoming my place to vent about my entire life! lol sorry!!)