12-2-2009 - when will it all fit back into place?

My mood while writing this blog: tired

I pose this question (knowing the answer but wanting to ensure myself that I am not alone)

for those of you who have been unfortunate enough to have had a miscarriage when does everything go back to normal?

Its been 6 months since I lost Baby Jonathan. 2 months since I conquered post traumatic stress disorder and depression.... and still I relapse occasionally and still my relationship with my Fiance is suffering. I have made a true effort to ensure that he and I spend positive time together, I have worked very hard to make sure that I continue to heal completely and honestly. I am starting to laugh more and more, to go out, I am not afraid that everyone will stab me anymore, I don't feel like a victim anymore and yet my Fiance can't see it.

I asked him today what he saw about me lately..he said I still cry alot, and I am still not working enough. other than that he could not think of any changes. Is it in my head? am I imagining my progress? Or is he unable to see it because its not a tactile or physical thing?

I will admit that I am more sensitive now. I definitely cry easier at sad movies, tv shows etc. and also when I am trying to explain my feelings.. but I have always been an easy cryer. I am having trouble understanding him. I think he doesn't truly understand my tears. though we talk about them alot (my opinion is its ok to cry his was crying is bad so don't do it and now is crying is a sign that something is wrong and he feels he needs to fix it) he doesn't seem to understand that there is a tear spectrum. that some tears are happy, that some are simply a silent release and that yes some are of anguish and pain.

maybe I should get some flash cards and then when I cry I can hold up the relevant card so that he knows how to react.

After several attempts of speaking about it I am unsure now how to get him to see that I do feel better and I am doing better and I really can see a light out there now.

I know that I can't be alone, that there must be strain in everyones relationship simply because of the trauma and how we as individuals deal with things.... I just wonder..how much longer do I have to fight for my life back? for my relationship back?

I do know that if we can hold on, if we can work through this together it will make us so much stronger. there is that saying 'the flower that blooms in adversity is the most beautiful of all"

arrrg! I knew it wouldn't be an easy journey, I knew that because he comes from a family that is uncomfortable around emotions (any emotion other than happy) and he has come sooo very far. I have seen him cry, I have witnessed him express himself more than he ever has before. It just kills me that he can't see that I have progressed. that he only sees an unsuccessful, unhappy partner instead of who I see; a woman who has been to hell and back and can still smile, can breath, can enjoy life..if just a little tentatively.

I am compelled to write it out..to sort my thoughts...

in grief we distance ourselves, turn inwards, so that we can focus on the healing of our hearts, and in doing so we close out the people who can help heal it the most. a walking ghost of a person untouchable by those around her, and though her partner puts his arms around her neither of them are satisfied; for neither can truly feel the comfort of the other. and then when finally they have healed their hearts enough to again reach into each others arms they find that they are almost strangers sharing only the pain behind their eyes. so what now they ask? I have just now only found one answer. ... they start over.

i think I am going insane...lol