05-3-2009 - short luteal phase frustration

My mood while writing this blog: havin a pity party

so after 3 months recovering I thought go back to the plan, have sex, get pregnant again, and get that baby this time round.....

month one passed, I knew it was probably too soon, that my body was probably still not quite ready and so though I was terribly disappointed I made a plan to try again.

Month 2 passed quickly, again I was disappointed, I cried, I was so terribly let down. but again I made a plan to get back on the horse and try again.

all this while I monitored, i noted every temperature, I checked cm, cervix etc, I researched.....

Month 3 passed and again I found myself so very broken hearted, I want this soo badly, like soo many do. and I know there are others who have been trying for far longer than I and that there is only a 20% chance to become pregnant every month but still it hurts. but again I got back on that horse and did some more research and made some more plans...

Month 4 has now passed. and being the researcher I am I have discovered that I have a short luteal phase. sometimes its 9 days, sometimes its 10, it has not been longer than that since I lost baby Jonathan.

I would like to scream! why? why after all that my body did to my baby must it now do this to me? when did my body declare war? when did it start fighting against what it should naturally do? and now, must I declare war on my body?

I will you know.. I will stand and fight for this until I cannot fight any longer. I will wage war on my useless body and ply it with whatever drugs and herbs I can find that will make it cower and behave like it should. I will seek out fertility aids and doctors. I will do what I must for I must have what I want...

and now to you dear friends I ask for help. I have made my first step , I have made an appointment to see the evil doctors (they are still evil and ignorant in my eyes until they prove useful and knowledgeable) but what do I ask for if they are useless? vitex? or is there something out there that will work faster? should I get progesterone? what should I take to get my body to do what it should. I only need to extend it by a day or 2..... do you have any suggestions?

I also extend an invitation to my pity party. there will be much food and tissue paper, I have invited the sunshine, and the rain, and there will be warm blankets and slippers for all who attend.

**realises that the above has been written in a strange theme but cant be bothered to go back and change it**