19-1-2010 - The blessings of life and the journey it takes us on

My mood while writing this blog: HAPPY

As I sit down to begin writing a long over due update on my family, I try to gather my thoughts and where I should begin. Life is an amazing journey, I live by the motto “everything happens for a reason”, and while things happen we may never fully understand they make us who we are today. In a little less then a month I’ll be celebrating my 30^th birthday, while I’m not thrilled about the idea of turning the BIG 3-0 I’ve been very blessed with all life has given to me and couldn’t be happier…okay it might be nice to have a larger bank account ;-]. I recall being a teenager who wasn’t allowed to date until she was 18, thinking that I’d grow up to be the crazy cat women that lives in the run down shack at the end of the lane, I thought it was unfair of my father to be so strict on dating. Come on all my friends were out on Friday night dates while I was stuck at home watching movies. I doubt I’ll have the same rule for my boys (ugh, I don’t want to think about my babies bringing girls home), I can now look back and appreciate my father’s strictness, understand why he enforced that rule and thank him for allowing me to discover the women I was meant to be instead of allowing a teenage boy to intimidate me and becomes someone I wasn’t.

I envy my husband; he is an incredible writer, every month he writes a personalized letter to each of our boys. Occasionally he’ll let me read the letters, by the end I’m usually in tears. The way he expresses himself through his writing is unbelievable, I can feel how much he loves and adores his children, and I wish I was half the writer he is. John is an wonderful husband and father. Okay- I admit, like any women I have my days that I wish he would do certain things without being asked, the way he can be a complete smartass or he’ll aggravate me to no end, but then he’ll do something that melts my heart and I fall in love with him all over again. It’s rare that a day will go by without him giving me a hug, kiss and telling me that he loves me, even after five years of marriage (a total of 7 years together). It might sound stereotypical, at this point in time I have everything I could possible want, I truly felt blessed in 2009, with the exception of needing sanity at times I didn’t want anything for Christmas. John came up with a way to grant me sanity for a day; he bought tickets for a show at a nearby playhouse, he'll make reservations for a restaurant of my choice in the city. He placed the tickets in a homemade card that brought tears to my eyes, it might sound cheesy to some people but like I said, I feel so blessed with my life but the one thing John and I aren't able to do very often is have alone time…so for me it was the perfect gift! I LOVE YOU John, on August 7, 2004 I stood before our friends and family saying my wedding vow, to this day they still hold true. “I give you my promise of honesty, trust, and devotion. I will stand beside you through the difficult times, wonderful times and the strong and weak times. May we overcome all obstacles together. With this ring, I interlock my heart with yours for eternity.”

January 25, 2007 my life forever changed, I pee’d on a stick and within a few seconds a “+” appeared in the window, I glance up from my laptop and can’t help but smile at my 27 month old “baby” boy. Benjamin becomes more independent every day; constantly exploring all that life has to offer. Though it usually ends up getting him into trouble, he’s on his way to being an amazing, wonderful and loving man. My busy bee of a child only stops moving for a few seconds out of every day to allow time for me to breath before taking off on his next adventure. I’ve enjoyed watching Benjamin grow, he amazes me everyday and as wonderful as it that he doesn’t rely on me every second of every minute I most admit I miss being able to hold him for hours and feeling how much he needs me. Benjamin’s taught me a lot about being a mother, though there will always be room for improvement, the biggest thing I’ve learned is not to rush my children into growing up and enjoy the journey of parenthood. It’s hard to believe that in seven short months Benjamin will be old enough to start preschool, WOW has time flown by! We have our days of progress and days of set back when it comes to potty training and though I try not to show my frustration on the bad days I’m sure there are times it’s evident. Life has a way of making you look back on the unpleasant days when I’ve felt overwhelmed and frustrated with the trouble Benjamin got himself into and laugh. Only now am I starting to take my mom’s advice, writing these mishaps down so I can look back later in life and laugh at them. For instance- I started writing this around 11:30am, it’s now 1:12pm, my day is filled with lots of interruptions, parenthood involves constantly changing your plans.

As of tomorrow Hayden will be three months, it’s hard to comprehend that it’s only been three months since he was trying to kick his way out into the world but then I realize that Hayden is almost three months, ¼ the way of being a year old! It almost makes me cry thinking how quickly he’s growing up, I wish I could somehow stop time just so I can snuggle close and smell his hair for awhile longer. Hayden is an amazing baby, complete opposite of what his big brother was like as a baby, Hayden is a content and happy baby that hardly fusses. I’m enjoying the closeness of breastfeeding but thanks to “Enfamil Restful” night formula and Baby Merlin’s Magic Sleep Suit we’re getting eight hours of consecutive sleep. Hayden often responds to me with smiles and coo’s, he’s able to roll from his stomach to back, gaining leg strength allowing him to push up when held and holding his head up when sitting in his Bumbo.

There were many times throughout my pregnancy with Hayden that I wondered how I’d every be able to love another child as much as I loved Benjamin, there were a lot of fears associated with these feelings. As much as I’d love to say that quickly changed the moment I held him for the first time, I’d be lying. Shortly after giving birth I was having complications with bleeding causing concern, during that time John was holding and comforting Hayden. When allowed to leave labor and delivery, we stopped at the nursery to “drop” off Hayden for the pediatrician exam; at that point I broke down and started crying hysterically. That was the first time in 39 weeks and five days that he wasn’t going to be with me, I understood at that moment my love for Benjamin hadn’t lessen but my heart had grown to love another child just as much.

One of my biggest wishes for Benjamin and Hayden is the love they have for each other will continue throughout their life. My boys adore one another, Benjamin enjoys holding, hugging and kissing Hayden, he has to know where his baby brother is at all times or else a melt down will occur The first day we brought Hayden home from the hospital I laid him down in his crib for a nap, Benjamin and I proceeded to head downstairs, Benjamin stopped and made me go back to get Hayden. Hayden watches his brother, following him with his eyes and at times they’ve even played together.

I’m 13 weeks postpartum today, basically back at my pre-pregnancy weight but with a beautiful flabby stretch marked stomach. I’m finding that I’m constantly hungry which I contribute to breast feeding. My wonderful period decided to show up at seven weeks and then again four weeks later, leading me to believe I’m already back on a normal cycle. As much as John and I would enjoy having another child, we decided two was enough, not only for our sanity but finances as well. On December 11^th my husband had his vasectomy and though I’m a little sad at the thought of never having another baby I have a feeling it won’t really hit me until January 2012. If we had planned to have anymore children that would have been when I’d want to conceive again, continue with our October babies ;).

It’s now 3:19pm, both my babies are asleep and I should probably tend to my list of things to do today, at least I can cross blogging off that list. As you can see it’s not that I don’t want to write updates its life doesn’t give me time to do so. I look forward to all that life has in store for me until the next time I can find time to sit down and write.

I belong to Facebook and update my status a few times a week for those of you that might wish to continue my life journey with me. Send me a message on IAP and I’ll respond with a private message with my information.

Till next time- baby dust to those TTC, healthy babies to those that are pregnant and much joy and happiness to those of us with children!