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09-10-2009 - past the point of crying....

My mood while writing this blog: upset

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Here I am alone.....again.....I am now 7 months pregnant with my little boys....i'm healthy...babies are healthy....older kids are healthy and happy.....bills are paid.....but where is dad??? I don't know cause I am done asking questions or being able to even remotely worrie about what or who he may be doing....alone again.....here I am weeks away from taking on a big challenge and what is on his mind??? I never know cause he never tells me but surely it isnt me.....We don't touch each other (unless we are having sex.....which at this point is maybe 5 times a month) we don't kiss, cuddle, hold hands.....as sick as it sounds I would be overjoyed to give him oral sex at this point with nothing in return.....we still tell each other "I love you" and I still wear my engagement ring but why.....it seems as though it is all an act at this point.....I feel so lonely.....so tossed aside....cant cry anymore because I do not know how to fix my situation and the tears offer me no solutions.....love him more than I would like to.....I often wish I would just wake up and not love him anymore that way everything wouldnt hurt so much.......the rejection and lonliness are often to much for me.....

here I have shared 7 and a half years with this man....two children (and two that I am growing).....countless number of dogs.....two houses....fincial obligations.....laughs.....tears.....good times and bad......and here I am feeling as though I have a roomate not a soulmate or a companion but a roommate who just so happens to be a father to my children......

past the tears and time to put on that mask.......that way when people (people who really care) ask me how I am I wont have to cry.......my kids wont think that this is what a healthy relationship looks like and I wont stress myself out and cause myself to go into preterm labor.....

alone again.....

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1 Comments on past the point of crying....


Miracle 3 - Sunday, 11 Oct
SO sorry hon! Love you! Remember to give your worries to God. He loves you and will never leave you!!!!!