04-2-2009 - My Angel 1st birthday in Heaven

My mood while writing this blog: Missing my baby girl

Today makes 1 year since my little Angel Alanah entered Heaven. I wasn't really sad because I know God didn't make a mistake, but I am human so of course I still question the situation sometimes. I just look in her little brother's face and I wonder if she would have looked just like him. As some of you may remember I never had the chance to see my baby girl. At the time it was the best thing for me given my circumstances. I had to be strong to keep Chris Jr. alive. I said that on her 1yr birthday I would look at her pictures, but honestly I couldn't do it! I don't know if I'm just scared or if I didn't want to add anymore stress on my Angel in my stomach. I know one day I will get the courage, but as for now I know she understands my reasoning. I always felt Alanah gave her life for her brother and for that she will always be our family guardian Angel. At times I feel like I'm pregnant with her all over again. Strange I know, but given my past situation makes me feel like my Angel is just making her grand appearance when she knows it's safe. Yesterday my aunt sent me this e-mail about what your birthday means, this is what Alanah's meant: Hebrews 2:4 NIV
God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

That scripture means so much to me honestly-

Signs: when Chris Jr. was in the Nicu his first few days of life he gave me a thumbs up like everything will be fine mom, don't worry. With this current pregnancy I went to the dr around 17wks and they told me they saw a white spot on my baby heart which was a soft marker for down syndrome, well during that same u/s she gave me a thumbs up. I knew at that moment my baby was fine!

Miracles: Chris Jr. is our miracle

Holy Spirit distributed according to his will: He meaning God is the only one who knows when that time is right, and it's meant for us to have our baby girl now.

Alanah mommy, daddy, and Chris Jr. loves you so much princess. You will never be forgotten-EVER. Honestly it hurts all over again, but I know one day mommy will hold you in her arms and it will mean the world to me. I love you soooooooo much Angel....