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|01-10-2008 - Feeling guilty
||My mood while writing this blog:|
So one day after I found out I was having a boy, I'm starting to feel guilty. I think this pregnancy thing has just sunk in....late I know. You would have tought it would have kicked in during the first, second, or third ultrasound, or during any of my other visits to both of my Dr. Maybe it should have kicked in when I was hugging the toilet, or when I started to feel him kick. Maybe when I've gone shopping for clothes or the few baby things I've already bought. No it kicked in today when I was taking care of my dog who just had surgery and after I visited my other dog who is spending another night at the vet due to the Greenie incident.
I'm going through some type of depression today. I'm worried that I will be a crappy parent. I am an expert at taking care of sick children. Hell give me a child who is dying and I am super nurse. I have no idea what the hell to do with a child who is healthy can get out of bed and can talk. I don't even like my nephew who is 2 or something. Although I do like my 8yr old niece. Don't get me wrong, I like kids otherwise I wouldn't work in pediatrics. I just like kids better when I can walk away from them.
I'm worried about future finances, having two dogs who are sick and have cost me the price of a new car over this last year has got me thinking. How am I supposed to take care of my fur babies if my real baby gets really sick or has some sort of condition? I love my dogs more than anything. Thay are not spoiled, just well taken care of.
Mostly I think I'm morning my loss of independence.... no more sleeping in, going out without much thought or planning. No more alone time. I'll have to be a mom 24/7 for the rest of my life. I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.... I just want to cry.
8 Comments on Feeling guiltyAbbiesmom
- Sunday, 16 Nov I hope you're feeling better than you were this day :-) I had to smile (with you not at you) in your despair because I was SOOOO there! I had to put my 10yo Boston Terrier down WHILE I was pregnant and my 15yo Calico down a week after Abigail was born. They were my children. My husband and I were go, go, go and our life very busy and I wondered how I was going to do it. I'm living proof it works out just fine *smile* I was the most independent person you'll ever know. With a few adjustments, the baby will fit right into your life and you'll wonder how you got by before! Take what you read, see, hear with a grain of salt and TRUST your instincts. *hugs* and congratulations on your upcoming motherhood. jonewman
- Saturday, 4 Oct The love you have for your own child is sooooooo very different than the love you feel for other people's children, and as far as knowing how to be a Mom, as corney as this may sound, you will just know and you will be great. I have a three year old and when she was born, I did mourn the loss of my independent life. I did cry over not being able to sleep in or have a lazy day or going out at a drop of a hat. The thing is, all of that is not nearly as fullfilling as when your baby grabs your finger with it's hand, or smiles at you, or says Mama, or any of the million of other wonderful things that happen when you have a child. Also, it gets easier, we have date nights and time to ourselves and sleeping in time, it's just planned and my husband shares breaks with me. For example, he's with his friends golfing now, but later when he gets home he will give me some time to take a nap. We share alone time and parent time, it works out. Take a deep breath...this is a big life change, but it's one I am sure you will be wonderful at and one that will be amazing, it just takes adjustment. I couldn't even imagine my life without my child, I don't think I would like or want my old life back...you're are in for a wonderful life! stargazer530
- Friday, 3 Oct Hang in there! We all go through this I think, at least i have and do - it seems once a week or so I get super excited and can't wait and all I can think about is my little one and how great it's going to be and then in the next couple of days I start freaking out thinking I won't be a good mother, I don't have any patience, I will never be able to just get up and go or do what i want or hang out with friends again. And the whole finances thing scares me to death.
I am sure once we both have our little bundles in our arms everything will be amazing. I tell myself when i get down to look around and see all these people, most of them who i wouldn't believe could make it out of the house themselves - they have kids. They have a job. They make do. They have happy, healthy kids. If so many other people can do it, we can too. :) lilmamaaua
- Thursday, 2 Oct Hi hon,
Hope that you're feeling better about things today. But the lesson from this hard time is that you'll manage no matter what is thrown at you and also that you will make the right decisions.. Some people who couldn't cope might selfishly have made other decisions regarding the dogs need for the operations and care. Life throws lemons at us at the worst times but corny as it is.. all you can do is make lemonade.. How depressed would you have felt had you chosen not to help your puppies?
You will be a fantastic mother I have no doubt! Not that I know you in person but I am certain from the support you have given me, your sense of humor and the loving relationship you and your hubby seem to have that this baby is truly blessed.
- Thursday, 2 Oct Hi,
I just wanted to make a comment about your blog.
I know I should be sending you a positive message - you obviously dont need to feel any worse than you already do..
I cant even imagine for a minute feeling more concerned for my pets than my own child???? Don't get me wrong, I can see where you are coming from but I also think that you are selling yourself (and your baby) short. You say you are mourning the loss of independence and yet you have been TOTALLY RESPONSIBLE for your TWO dogs already???? Dont you think that they too are quite 'dependent' on you? You couldnt just pack up and leave them for the weekend or not worry about them being fed could you????? What makes you think that a child would make you so much more "tied down"????? You are an ICU paediatrician, OF COURSE you can take care of a wonderfully healthy baby and you should be in a better position than most to appreciate that.
I understand that you may be feeling a little unsure of yourself - ALL first time mothers do!!!! You are not alone in your feelings. I am going to say again - DONT sell yourself short. you are OBVIOUSLY a very smart and educated woman (you dont get to hold a position such as yours without abilities.) It is true MOST of what you learn about mothering DOES NOT come from books but rather experience and 'hands on' stuff. No one, no matter how many books they read (or how many kids they already have) will ever be an 'expert' on parenting/mothering as it is ALWAYS a work in progress. Everyday we continue to learn.
Though you may not feel it now or believe me when I say "you WILL be just fine". Just know this, your dogs will still be looked after and loved just as much as you always have but nothing, NOTHING can compare to the love you feel or will feel for your child, your own flesh and blood. Sure, some take a little longer to warm to the idea but I guarantee you, you WILL feel for your child like you have felt for no other.
Give yourself (and your precious baby) a chance. I hope that you have some close friend or relative (and it sounds like you do, having a nephew and niece) to help you in your new role as a mother. Good luck and I really do wish you well. I am here to give you my honest and true opinion or help if you want it.
(((hugs))) for you and I really hope that you feel better soon.
Sorry I rambled so long...all with good intentions! CaliKatie
- Thursday, 2 Oct Funny because I havent really felt it all kick in yet and I havent really 'realized' all that is yet to come. I know me and my hubby plan on being the best parents, but not letting the little one be excuses to not have a life. I have some good friends who have a 2, almost 3 year old and they are still young and totally hang out all the time, late nights and everything, their little boy is so good for them. Have hope. Im sure you will be a great mother... I too dont like other little kids sometimes, but it is motivation to have a child that is raised and acts how I want them to! ErinFirstTimer
- Thursday, 2 Oct I think all of us first timers will feel those feelings. I know I have thought about how it will be very difficult to go snowboarding with hubby every weekend like we did last season. It has been just the two of us for three years now and sometimes I feel sad that that is going to end. Life is really going to change and I don't really know what to expect. There is nothing to do but look ahead at this point. Look forward to family I will have and the joy it will bring. New experiences. Bonbon81
- Thursday, 2 Oct I honestly had one of those days yesterday. Since James lives an hour away i am alone all week and it gets really hard doing it by myself. Its funny that you say you dont like your nephew because i dont really like James' niece, she's such a brat! haha. I am sure that once you see your little one you are going to fall madly in love with him. You are going to be a great mother. Take care hun!!