So I've been stressing myself over this just about everyday. Its on my mind constantly. All I'm praying for is everything will okay. I can't even discuss this with the closest of friends because I want no sympathy or pity,

So all my life I had this mole on my arm, now I can't tell you if its always been that size, color or shape. Because I just didn't know this sorta thing happened. So one day Aidan's pediatrician tells me I need to get checked out asap and get checked out for Melanoma by a dermatologist. I thought I still had a number for a dermatologist. The reason I had a number for a dermatologist in the first place was for psyrorasis. Which is a skin condition that makes my life a living hell sometimes and very self conscious.

So I couldn't find the number, so I remembered I had an appointment with my obgyn for my postpartum checkup. So come to find out I have postpartum depression really bad. Not something I really wanna talk about right now, but its just another thing on fricking list thats making my life hell and not only is it affecting me, but everyone around me. No one likes to be around me right now, I'm just going through a whirlpool of emotions. And I hate it. Well, anyways my OBGYN checked out my mole, and thought I definitely need to see a dermatologist asap. So she was going to refer me to a dermatologist. No big deal. Well, I forgot to get it, because we were talking about so many things at the at appointment it slipped both of our minds.

So later I'm crying my eyes out for the longest time. I didn't even want to talk discuss it with family at the time. I kept imagining Aidan being at my funeral with Jeff holding him. And in my mind I kept seeing everyone crying. And I started bawling my eyes out because I didn't want to die and Aidan grow up with no momma. That little boy loves me to death, always smilng and always upset when I'm not in sight longer than five minutes. I could't imagine how he'd feel not having me around for a lifetime.

So I so badly wanted to discuss it with family, but I found out my aunt was dying of breast cancer, and there was nothing they could. She's been battling for a couple years, but she finally couldn't fight it anymore. So my family was devastated and so was I for that matter. I really wanted to tell someone, but didn't want to worry them. So she finally passed away that week and it broke everyone's heart.

Well, battling Postpartum Depression and raising Aidan majority of the time and this strong possibility of melanoma has gotten me stressed and upset. Jeff gets offended everytime I tell him he's not helping out with Aidan. I mean he helps a little, but I'm doing just about EVERYTHING. And then I got people putting their noses in my business where they shouldn't Telling me and critisiing how I'm raising Aidan. Especially from people who don't have kids. They shouldn't have opinion on how I raise my child period!! My child is taken care of with the upmost care. I put him before anyone else including myself.

All I have is God and this beautiful baby who will listen to me. I know I can talk to people, but they will want to pity me or something. I don't mind support and advice, but I can't deal with just pity. Pity doesn't do anything, but make me feel worse. For some reason it just makes me feel more guilty, like perhaps I'm not going through enough to deserve it. I dunno I'm thinking dumb,

So like I said Postpartum Depression is messing with my mind. Well, it has gotten me thinking about suicide a few times. Now I promise Jeff doesn't put a hand on me at all, but when I told him all I wanted to do was kill myself and that he wouldn't give a shit if I committed suicide. He smacked me across the face and told me to never think that. I felt so bad, because it hurt his feelings so bad that I ever thought that. Now he apologized for smacking me, but I guess it was what I needed to get me to snap back to reality for a second.

So when I looked at my mole, its ragged, variety of colors, its big and, not one shape, and so many things that they say are the signs for Melanoma. So thats why that stresses me out.

I know my mind is in a million different places at once. And I'm so sorry I'm scatterbrained. I hope you all don't mind me sharing this. I just needed to vent my feelings...