28-8-2009 - More ups & downs than a rollercoaster!

My mood while writing this blog: Fine & Dandy

So I went to my GP today for the ole monthly check up. All went well and we got to hear the heartbeat. Rather than searching around for it, this time the woosh woosh woosh came through loud & clear as soon as she put the doppler on my stomach! I always feel good after seeing my GP, she's just lovely.

Yesterday, the hospital rang me and told me I didn't get into the midwife Amity team, as they already have their quota of babies due in January. I was really disapointed, and cried of course. When I told Chris he said "Well, where are you going to have the baby then" and I said "At Redcliffe Hospital" and he said "Are you sure you can still have it there if you didn't get into this midwife Amity team?" which of course set me off on a spiral of worry and doubt! I rang the hospital this morning and checked, and they said I'm booked in to deliver there, it's just that during check ups you see whatever doctor or locum happens to be on duty that day, rather than your midwife. Needless to say, I'll be seeing my GP for my check ups thanks!

I can't believe how my hormones are effecting my emotions! I knew that pregnant women cry sometimes, but I had no idea that it goes the other way as well! I felt so fantastic yesterday at work and laughed with the boss and all that. On the drive home I started to think about this lady whom I read about on Yahoo, her baby died at 17 weeks and she had to give birth to it for some reason (I thought they would do a D&C still?) and I imagined me giving birth to my dead baby and holding the little thing and I was driving and bawling my eyes out! I had gotten control of myself by the time I got home. Later, I asked Chris to take a photo of me. He was out the back having a ciggie and I was going through the pics on my camera and he laughed and I (for some unknown reason) thought he was laughing at me, thinking I'm stupid, and I couldn't stop crying all night! This morning on my day off my boss rang me and woke me up which made me cry because I couldn't go back to sleep. I spent the afternoon shopping (window shopping really) and when I came home I felt much better. All evening Chris and I have been mucking around laughing and calling each other names, and I get to laughing and laughing, and I can't stop laughing and all of a sudden I'm actually a bit hysterical, laughing so much it hurts and it's a bit scary but I can't stop!

SOOO, I'm trying really hard just to take these emotions in my stride. I've told Chris that I can't help myself (up OR down) and to please understand, because I can't stop myself from taking the smallest things to heart, and while I know I'm being irrational, I can't stop myself no matter how hard I try!

My emotions are just overwhelming me, and I had to say to my boss the other day when I was crying "I'm so sorry, but I'm having trouble keeping my emotions under control, I can't help it". He was really understanding.

I'm sure many of us are feeling the same as this; I think we just have to run with our feelings, be sad when we feel sad and be happy when we feel happy. Allow ourselves to have these 'weeknesses' and make sure we're big enough to laugh at ourselves when the tears have dried up.

Well, after not really having a hint of morning sickness, I have to have something right?

It seems lame or corney or something, but I HAVE to say, I love this little baby so very much! So very very very very X a trillion much! (Watch out, my eyes are misting over, hahaha).

Thanks for listening (well, reading really)
Love Tanya.