18-4-2009 - feeling sick about me

My mood while writing this blog: surprisingly down

I am researching the internet trying to write a wedding ceremony and have come across someone's blog. I dont really understand about blogs although I am writing one right now, but I have missed something in life and only now coming in on the tail end of stuff - like some song that everyone knows and I am the only one who has never heard of it. What is up with blogs? They are so arty and contain the barest of information sometimes and glorious photos. I realise it is probably just people's thoughts and I have been a blogger from way back -- only when I was young we didnt have the internet. Otherwise I seriously doubt I would have ever got married and had kids and become the boring housewife I am. I know there will be people saying 'dont say that' and 'it's worth it' etc etc and I know this but there is a part of me that grieves for the person I was pre 24 years old who was INSPIRED, CREATIVE, INTELLIGENT, FREE, INDIVIDUAL, UNIQUE. I would think of more things to write but my mind is a blank. I think I have been on a path of ending up like this for a while now. I almost feel sick and like crying at meeting the person I could have been. I would come up with more adjectives about the kind of person I was but My brain is like mushy cat food. I struggle to write when i used to find it so easy - see I didnt even bother to capitalise the i's sometimes and speak in different tenses. I used to be free, I used to be free, I used to be free.

sure I used to be bored and lonely for socialisation although I loved my alone time. I used to feel as though other people had a much better life than I and that they were always out doing something more fun or more worthwhile than I. That is why I was grateful to have kids as I knew I would always have something to do, but have I just woken up now at 40 with 4 kids and wondered what the hell I have been up to for years? That is what I feel like. Why did this blog do this to me? this blog I read not wrote. I have even gone to the trouble of blocking people on facebook who drive me mad with their passionate outbursts.

I used to do things only a single person would do but I knew the day would come when I would no longer do those things. Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy with where I am and what I am doing. I guess I am just lamenting the lack of inspiration and the reason I am not inspired.

Having a moment.............. that's all